For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
027.
Time heals wounds. There's no denying that. Even when it feels like you've been cut so deep that you keep thinking that you're going to die, you heal. All that's left is a big, ugly scar and that memory of how you got it. But guess what, you've healed.
Then there's some wounds that take longer to heal than you'd like. These are never the ones that are caused by a knife or a bullet or a psychotic dog. These are the ones that leave little scars all over your body which you know are there, yet are invisible to everyone else. These take the rest of your life to heal. Even if you try to kid yourself that they don't.
My eyes stung and my throat burned when I woke up at what I assumed was morning. Every inch of my body ached and tingled as though I'd been pricked with tiny, tiny needles. A part of me hoped that I'd done something stupid last night and there was a chance that I'd died and was on my way to heaven.
But that seemed stupid. Heaven wouldn't have various articles of clothing strewn across the floor, literally covering every square inch of the room. And in heaven, the people wouldn't have fallen asleep on the floor next to their bed then bump their head on the cabinet beside them when they tried to move.
And heaven would be a happy place, right? In heaven the sun would shine all the time and everyone would smile and be happy. But the scene in front of me didn't show any signs of happiness. It didn't even show any signs of being real. It was almost like I was having an out-of-body experience, that I was watching that pathetic person curled up in the corner of his bedroom.
Sighing heavily, I rubbed my eyes open with the back of my hand trying to remember if I'd been drinking to excess last night. No...I couldn't find any empty bottles lying in the sea of clothes that could be responsible for my current state. This could only mean one thing. I hadn't imagined last night. It was all too real.
A lead weight suddenly dropped in my stomach as I became vividly aware of the seemingly heavy object in the palm of my closed hand. I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump and eliminate the bitter taste that had crawled into my mouth. There was something that was almost holding me back, preventing me from exposing myself to the reality that I already knew existed. I tore my gaze away from my fist and focused my attention on something else, which turned out to be as equally tormenting. The diary.
It was useless trying to deny the truth no matter how much I tried to. If I had my way, I'd live my life on a blissful wave of denial and naivety, distancing myself as far as I could from reality. But that's a cowards way out. And I'm nothing like that. Or at least I hope I'm not.
I slowly got to my feet with slight difficulty as I was refusing to open my left hand. But somehow I managed it. My first instinct was to go to the bathroom and take a leak, to try and trick myself into normality. I went to the bathroom, but no leaking took place. Instead I stood at the unnaturally white basin, gazing at the face in the mirror in front of me. The reflection I saw was nothing like the Frankie I saw every day. This Frankie looked like the victim of a disaster, which wasn't far from the truth. This Frankie's eyes were red, bloodshot and swollen, the result of hardly sleeping and excessive crying. His skin looked unhealthy and ungodly pale. And the fact that his hair was dark, limp and lifeless was doing nothing for him. Add a five o'clock shadow to this picture and you've got a very unhappy Frankie in front of you.
It was only when I saw that this Frankie's movements mirrored mine at the exact same time as me that I realized somewhat reluctantly that it was actually me I was looking at. This made me feel ten times worse than the heavy weight in my hand had done already.
After I'd showered and dressed on auto pilot, I wandered out into the living room to find that everything was unusually tidy. No empty coffee mugs lying around, no random pieces of clothing hanging off the sofa and there was certainly no junk mail cluttering the place up.
I ran my hand through my slightly damp hair as I tried to remember exactly what happened last night. Besides the whole being distraught about finding the ring situation.
"Frank? That you?"
My feet remained glued to the spot as I heard footsteps from the kitchen coming in my direction. I clenched my hand even tighter around the ring in my palm then watched as the person came into view.
I released a breath I never knew I was holding and relaxed my hand. It was Jon, I wasn't being robbed or anything.
"You okay?" he asked standing in front of me and rubbing my shoulder lightly with his hand.
I smiled weakly, "Yeah I'm...I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."
Jon nodded slightly and dropped his arm back to his side. "I tidied up a little while you were still sleeping. I hope you don't mind."
"No...it's fine." I sighed and toyed with the ring in my palm. "Look, I have something important I need to do today...um...you wouldn't mind coming with me would you?"
"Not at all. What do you need to do?"
I chewed on my lip ring a little before answering, still tracing my finger over the ring. "I uh...want to go to Gerard's grave."
---
For some reason, the fact that the sun was shining brightly outside and everyone seemed to be happy didn't do much to lightly my mood. It wasn't far to the cemetery from my apartment, so it didn't matter that Jon and I walked there in near silence. We still linked our hands together which seemed to make me smile on the inside.
As we passed through the open iron gates, I felt that familiar sick feeling rise in my stomach. The feeling that brought back all those memories of that day I fell apart. Needless to say I was chewing on my lip ring more than ever.
I guided us along various paths and through the maze of gravestones to the spot just by a large tree under which Gerard was buried. I swallowed that lump away again and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall.
Jon slid his hand away from mine and I turned to look at him in confusion.
"It's alright, I'll just...let you have a moment by yourself." he said, a reassuring smile on his face.
I nodded, showing some understanding. He placed a kiss on the side of my head and walked away leaving me alone by Gerard's grave.
Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and sat down in front of the glossy black stone and read the inscription to myself. I felt a few tears escape from my eyes as I reached the last couple of lines, which I had chosen to be put there.
We loved you and will forever. We'll never forget you.
So long and goodnight.
Using the edge of my sleeve, I wiped away some of the tears that had streamed down onto my cheeks before I pulled the ring out of my pocket along with the diary.
"Hey Gee...it's me."
Even to myself, my voice sounded small, weak and pathetic talking to him like this. But I ignored whatever was placing doubt in my mind and continued talking.
"I'm sorry I haven't been here since it happened, I don't think I even have an excuse for it. I miss you so much. Everyone does. Mikey's coping well I think, better than most of us I have to say. He's happy that I'm trying to move on. Trying because I found this."
I put the diary I was holding down by a bunch of flowers I guessed his mom had put there.
"I'm sorry I read it but it made me feel like you were still here. Still with me.." I quickly wiped away some more tears that were flowing down my face. "I found the ring as well Gee. I...I would've said yes. You know that right? There's no way I would've turned you down, I loved you too much. I still love you...I always will."
I held my head in my hand as I tried to regain some calm inside of me. After a few moments, I looked back up at the stone then down at the ring in my open palm.
"This is going to sound awful, but I've met someone. His name's Jon...he came with me today just so I had someone here. I think I love him too...wait, that sounds worse. Loving him and you at the same time. But, I'm allowed to aren't I? Cause...you're not here anymore...and..."
I sighed heavily again.
"I still miss you Gee, I miss you like crazy. I still think about you everyday and wish you were still here and that...that you hadn't been...taken from me. But...I think I'm finally moving on. I'll never forget you Gee, y'hear? Never. I'll...I'll come here as much as I can and..."
I took the ring from my palm and held it up to my eyes before I slipped it on my fourth finger on my right hand.
"I love you Gee...I always will."
It was at that moment I realized that I was healing. Very slowly, but I was still definitely healing. No matter how many times I thought about Gerard or cried myself to sleep at night and felt like nothing was getting better...I was healing. That scar would always be there and so would the memory of Gerard...
My Gerard.
Then there's some wounds that take longer to heal than you'd like. These are never the ones that are caused by a knife or a bullet or a psychotic dog. These are the ones that leave little scars all over your body which you know are there, yet are invisible to everyone else. These take the rest of your life to heal. Even if you try to kid yourself that they don't.
My eyes stung and my throat burned when I woke up at what I assumed was morning. Every inch of my body ached and tingled as though I'd been pricked with tiny, tiny needles. A part of me hoped that I'd done something stupid last night and there was a chance that I'd died and was on my way to heaven.
But that seemed stupid. Heaven wouldn't have various articles of clothing strewn across the floor, literally covering every square inch of the room. And in heaven, the people wouldn't have fallen asleep on the floor next to their bed then bump their head on the cabinet beside them when they tried to move.
And heaven would be a happy place, right? In heaven the sun would shine all the time and everyone would smile and be happy. But the scene in front of me didn't show any signs of happiness. It didn't even show any signs of being real. It was almost like I was having an out-of-body experience, that I was watching that pathetic person curled up in the corner of his bedroom.
Sighing heavily, I rubbed my eyes open with the back of my hand trying to remember if I'd been drinking to excess last night. No...I couldn't find any empty bottles lying in the sea of clothes that could be responsible for my current state. This could only mean one thing. I hadn't imagined last night. It was all too real.
A lead weight suddenly dropped in my stomach as I became vividly aware of the seemingly heavy object in the palm of my closed hand. I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump and eliminate the bitter taste that had crawled into my mouth. There was something that was almost holding me back, preventing me from exposing myself to the reality that I already knew existed. I tore my gaze away from my fist and focused my attention on something else, which turned out to be as equally tormenting. The diary.
It was useless trying to deny the truth no matter how much I tried to. If I had my way, I'd live my life on a blissful wave of denial and naivety, distancing myself as far as I could from reality. But that's a cowards way out. And I'm nothing like that. Or at least I hope I'm not.
I slowly got to my feet with slight difficulty as I was refusing to open my left hand. But somehow I managed it. My first instinct was to go to the bathroom and take a leak, to try and trick myself into normality. I went to the bathroom, but no leaking took place. Instead I stood at the unnaturally white basin, gazing at the face in the mirror in front of me. The reflection I saw was nothing like the Frankie I saw every day. This Frankie looked like the victim of a disaster, which wasn't far from the truth. This Frankie's eyes were red, bloodshot and swollen, the result of hardly sleeping and excessive crying. His skin looked unhealthy and ungodly pale. And the fact that his hair was dark, limp and lifeless was doing nothing for him. Add a five o'clock shadow to this picture and you've got a very unhappy Frankie in front of you.
It was only when I saw that this Frankie's movements mirrored mine at the exact same time as me that I realized somewhat reluctantly that it was actually me I was looking at. This made me feel ten times worse than the heavy weight in my hand had done already.
After I'd showered and dressed on auto pilot, I wandered out into the living room to find that everything was unusually tidy. No empty coffee mugs lying around, no random pieces of clothing hanging off the sofa and there was certainly no junk mail cluttering the place up.
I ran my hand through my slightly damp hair as I tried to remember exactly what happened last night. Besides the whole being distraught about finding the ring situation.
"Frank? That you?"
My feet remained glued to the spot as I heard footsteps from the kitchen coming in my direction. I clenched my hand even tighter around the ring in my palm then watched as the person came into view.
I released a breath I never knew I was holding and relaxed my hand. It was Jon, I wasn't being robbed or anything.
"You okay?" he asked standing in front of me and rubbing my shoulder lightly with his hand.
I smiled weakly, "Yeah I'm...I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."
Jon nodded slightly and dropped his arm back to his side. "I tidied up a little while you were still sleeping. I hope you don't mind."
"No...it's fine." I sighed and toyed with the ring in my palm. "Look, I have something important I need to do today...um...you wouldn't mind coming with me would you?"
"Not at all. What do you need to do?"
I chewed on my lip ring a little before answering, still tracing my finger over the ring. "I uh...want to go to Gerard's grave."
---
For some reason, the fact that the sun was shining brightly outside and everyone seemed to be happy didn't do much to lightly my mood. It wasn't far to the cemetery from my apartment, so it didn't matter that Jon and I walked there in near silence. We still linked our hands together which seemed to make me smile on the inside.
As we passed through the open iron gates, I felt that familiar sick feeling rise in my stomach. The feeling that brought back all those memories of that day I fell apart. Needless to say I was chewing on my lip ring more than ever.
I guided us along various paths and through the maze of gravestones to the spot just by a large tree under which Gerard was buried. I swallowed that lump away again and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall.
Jon slid his hand away from mine and I turned to look at him in confusion.
"It's alright, I'll just...let you have a moment by yourself." he said, a reassuring smile on his face.
I nodded, showing some understanding. He placed a kiss on the side of my head and walked away leaving me alone by Gerard's grave.
Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes and sat down in front of the glossy black stone and read the inscription to myself. I felt a few tears escape from my eyes as I reached the last couple of lines, which I had chosen to be put there.
We loved you and will forever. We'll never forget you.
So long and goodnight.
Using the edge of my sleeve, I wiped away some of the tears that had streamed down onto my cheeks before I pulled the ring out of my pocket along with the diary.
"Hey Gee...it's me."
Even to myself, my voice sounded small, weak and pathetic talking to him like this. But I ignored whatever was placing doubt in my mind and continued talking.
"I'm sorry I haven't been here since it happened, I don't think I even have an excuse for it. I miss you so much. Everyone does. Mikey's coping well I think, better than most of us I have to say. He's happy that I'm trying to move on. Trying because I found this."
I put the diary I was holding down by a bunch of flowers I guessed his mom had put there.
"I'm sorry I read it but it made me feel like you were still here. Still with me.." I quickly wiped away some more tears that were flowing down my face. "I found the ring as well Gee. I...I would've said yes. You know that right? There's no way I would've turned you down, I loved you too much. I still love you...I always will."
I held my head in my hand as I tried to regain some calm inside of me. After a few moments, I looked back up at the stone then down at the ring in my open palm.
"This is going to sound awful, but I've met someone. His name's Jon...he came with me today just so I had someone here. I think I love him too...wait, that sounds worse. Loving him and you at the same time. But, I'm allowed to aren't I? Cause...you're not here anymore...and..."
I sighed heavily again.
"I still miss you Gee, I miss you like crazy. I still think about you everyday and wish you were still here and that...that you hadn't been...taken from me. But...I think I'm finally moving on. I'll never forget you Gee, y'hear? Never. I'll...I'll come here as much as I can and..."
I took the ring from my palm and held it up to my eyes before I slipped it on my fourth finger on my right hand.
"I love you Gee...I always will."
It was at that moment I realized that I was healing. Very slowly, but I was still definitely healing. No matter how many times I thought about Gerard or cried myself to sleep at night and felt like nothing was getting better...I was healing. That scar would always be there and so would the memory of Gerard...
My Gerard.
♠ ♠ ♠
:'( Well, that's it. This story's officially finished.God, I'm gonna miss it a lot.
I hope you all enjoyed reading it and thank you sooo much to all the people who read/subscribed/commented <3 You're all amazing.
For anyone interested, I have two more stories on the go right now and I'm going to be starting a joint Frerard soon. Look out for that ;]
Don't forget to comment one last time!!
<3
xoxo