For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
004.
After yet another sleepless night of crying silently to myself, I decided to sit and read some more of Gerard's diary. In all honesty I didn't want to because it hurt me to read the words that he'd written from his own mind, to feel the exact emotions that he had felt while he was still alive.
I sat up in bed and withdrew the black book from the drawer at the side of the bed and opened it to where I last got to.
20th September
Thank fuck it's Saturday. Finally I have two whole days to myself that will probably involve drink, drugs and getting off with a totally random person. Tonight there's a party over at Bert's place, Bert's pretty crazy so that's why I like going to his parties, to get fucked up.
The funny thing is, my parents don't realise that I come home stoned and or drunk 'cause I just run down into my room and fall straight to sleep. It only hits me the next day when I've got a terrible headache and I throw up like five times on the morning, or whenever I drag my sorry ass out of bed.
Anyway, tonight. I hope it's gonna be just as good as last time. With lots of alcohol and whatever drug Bert can get hold of, which is usually anything you want. The only really bad thing about going to Bert's is that we always end up making out then fucking. And I mean always.
I know it's stupid 'cause I never remember anything before or after, I just know we do it.
And I don't wanna be like that any more, Bert only asks me round 'cause if I'm there, he's guarenteed a good fuck. I don't even like him in that way...not anymore.
Yeah, we used to be an item, me and Bert. About two years back when we first met was when he almost imediatly made it clear that he fancied the pants off of me (which would turn out that he literally did) by saying he thought I was cute.
Cute, I could handle.
Then it turned into hot, then gorgeous and so on. Then it just got ridiculous.
Bert was like a sex-crazed animal, I feel bad saying that about one of my 'friends' but it's the truth. Everytime I went over to his place he wanted to fuck, fuck, then fuck some more. I got bored of it. Hell, I'm not gonna deny that it was amazing at the time, but he got more and more demanding.
So I ended it, for now anyway.
He keeps dropping hints that he still likes me in that way, when I've said a million times I don't. Okay, you heard it first, I don't like Bert in that way and I've stood by that ever since that day we broke up.
Shit, I better go and get ready for the party. It's weird, I've spent the last...ten/fifteen minutes describing how crazy and fucked up Bert is and now I'm going to spend the night with him.
Not in the way you're thinking right now...
G
xoxo
I put the book down on the bed, trying to take in what I'd just read.
So Gerard and Bert used to fuck alot? Sure I knew they were together before me and Gerard, but I didn't think they did that much.
Sighing, I climbed out of bed and walked into the bathroom and flicked the shower on.
---
I decided to call Mikey.
"Hello?"
"Hey Mikes, it's me."
"Oh hey, what's up?" he replied, in his usual cheery voice.
"Nothing much...um, what do you remember about Bert?"
There was a slight pause from the other end of the line, damaged by the faint buzzing noise that phones usually have.
"Well, he, uh...they were together before."
"Mhm, I've known that since forever."
"Oh...well in that case I don't really know. Only that whenever Gee went over to Bert's for one of his parties, they always fucked."
"Yeah..."
"D..did you know about that?"
"Not until today, see...I..uh...started reading his diary."
"What? Why I..." Mikey stopped himself, then started again, this time changing the way he answered.
"It's not really up to me to say whether you read it or not is it?"
"Not particularly."
"Anyway...what did it say?"
I swallowed away the lump in my throat. "Just that, uh...he used to get beat up like every day by Anth and that him and Bert fucked alot. Like, whenever they used to see each other."
"Really?! So, not just at parties?"
"By the sound of things, no."
"Man, that's...whoa, I never knew that."
"Me either."
"So, are you gonna read all of it?"
"What he's wrote, yeah."
"I wonder how much stuff's in there that we didn't even know about."
"Yeah...me too..."
"Okay, well I'll see you later then Frank."
"Bye Mikes."
As I wandered about the kitchen and made myself some coffee, Mikey's words still ran through my mind, over and over, like a record playing on a loop.
"I wonder how much stuff's in there that we didn't even know about."
That sentence made me all the more curious and scared at the same time. I made a mental note that later that night I would read another entry as my mind wouldn't rest until I knew more about what happened before there was ever an Us.
I sat up in bed and withdrew the black book from the drawer at the side of the bed and opened it to where I last got to.
20th September
Thank fuck it's Saturday. Finally I have two whole days to myself that will probably involve drink, drugs and getting off with a totally random person. Tonight there's a party over at Bert's place, Bert's pretty crazy so that's why I like going to his parties, to get fucked up.
The funny thing is, my parents don't realise that I come home stoned and or drunk 'cause I just run down into my room and fall straight to sleep. It only hits me the next day when I've got a terrible headache and I throw up like five times on the morning, or whenever I drag my sorry ass out of bed.
Anyway, tonight. I hope it's gonna be just as good as last time. With lots of alcohol and whatever drug Bert can get hold of, which is usually anything you want. The only really bad thing about going to Bert's is that we always end up making out then fucking. And I mean always.
I know it's stupid 'cause I never remember anything before or after, I just know we do it.
And I don't wanna be like that any more, Bert only asks me round 'cause if I'm there, he's guarenteed a good fuck. I don't even like him in that way...not anymore.
Yeah, we used to be an item, me and Bert. About two years back when we first met was when he almost imediatly made it clear that he fancied the pants off of me (which would turn out that he literally did) by saying he thought I was cute.
Cute, I could handle.
Then it turned into hot, then gorgeous and so on. Then it just got ridiculous.
Bert was like a sex-crazed animal, I feel bad saying that about one of my 'friends' but it's the truth. Everytime I went over to his place he wanted to fuck, fuck, then fuck some more. I got bored of it. Hell, I'm not gonna deny that it was amazing at the time, but he got more and more demanding.
So I ended it, for now anyway.
He keeps dropping hints that he still likes me in that way, when I've said a million times I don't. Okay, you heard it first, I don't like Bert in that way and I've stood by that ever since that day we broke up.
Shit, I better go and get ready for the party. It's weird, I've spent the last...ten/fifteen minutes describing how crazy and fucked up Bert is and now I'm going to spend the night with him.
Not in the way you're thinking right now...
G
xoxo
I put the book down on the bed, trying to take in what I'd just read.
So Gerard and Bert used to fuck alot? Sure I knew they were together before me and Gerard, but I didn't think they did that much.
Sighing, I climbed out of bed and walked into the bathroom and flicked the shower on.
---
I decided to call Mikey.
"Hello?"
"Hey Mikes, it's me."
"Oh hey, what's up?" he replied, in his usual cheery voice.
"Nothing much...um, what do you remember about Bert?"
There was a slight pause from the other end of the line, damaged by the faint buzzing noise that phones usually have.
"Well, he, uh...they were together before."
"Mhm, I've known that since forever."
"Oh...well in that case I don't really know. Only that whenever Gee went over to Bert's for one of his parties, they always fucked."
"Yeah..."
"D..did you know about that?"
"Not until today, see...I..uh...started reading his diary."
"What? Why I..." Mikey stopped himself, then started again, this time changing the way he answered.
"It's not really up to me to say whether you read it or not is it?"
"Not particularly."
"Anyway...what did it say?"
I swallowed away the lump in my throat. "Just that, uh...he used to get beat up like every day by Anth and that him and Bert fucked alot. Like, whenever they used to see each other."
"Really?! So, not just at parties?"
"By the sound of things, no."
"Man, that's...whoa, I never knew that."
"Me either."
"So, are you gonna read all of it?"
"What he's wrote, yeah."
"I wonder how much stuff's in there that we didn't even know about."
"Yeah...me too..."
"Okay, well I'll see you later then Frank."
"Bye Mikes."
As I wandered about the kitchen and made myself some coffee, Mikey's words still ran through my mind, over and over, like a record playing on a loop.
"I wonder how much stuff's in there that we didn't even know about."
That sentence made me all the more curious and scared at the same time. I made a mental note that later that night I would read another entry as my mind wouldn't rest until I knew more about what happened before there was ever an Us.
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xoxo