For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
005.
Just like I'd promised myself, I sat down later that night, this time on the sofa, with Gerard's diary in my hands. I lightly traced random lines over the front cover before lifting it open and flicking through the first couple of pages.
1st November
This has to have been possibly the worst week or so of my life. I can't remember much from Bert's party apart from the fact that we did it again, even though I told myself I wouldn't. I'm such a faliure.
When I got there, Bert was already out of his mind on drink, weed, and possibly cocaine. I didn't want to get so messed up I wouldn't be able to remember the next day, but me being the fucked-up-faggot I totally went back on my word.
Bert came up to me and snaked his arm around my shoulder, trying to nuzzle into my neck, making my skin crawl.
"Hey Gee, long time no see."
"Yeah, how's things?"
"Oh fine, y'know...Hey! Come and get a drink or two down your neck! Then we can start on the weed!" Bert screeched, dragging me into the kitchen.
Clearly he didn't have to wait to start on the weed, he'd probably smoked a good few joints by now.
By the time it got to one oclock in the morning, I was just as wasted as Bert was at the begining of the night, I'm pretty sure I was snorting lines of cocaine then drink half a bottle of hard liquior every fifteen minutes or so.
I was sat in the living room in a circle with the dealers that were supplying the white stuff for us, when Bert suddenly came out of no where and took me away from my new "friends" and lead me upstairs.
"This is getting a regular sight for us isn't it Gee?" Bert whispered in my ear as he pushed me into his room and onto his bed.
I was so fucked, I didn't even realise my surroundings had changed, so I just nodded and laughed along with him.
Bert began to kiss me along my neck and up to my mouth while his hands found their way up underneath my shirt. I let out quiet moans of protest though they were muffled by his mouth pressed against mine.
The whole thing happened in a blur, only small parts of that night are clear enough for me to piece little things together like a fucked up jigsaw. Anyway, when I woke up in Bert's bed the next morning, wearing nothing and with no one next to me, I knew I'd broken my promise.
I'd let myself down, yet again...
To make matters worse (and the reason for it being the worst week of my life) somehow Anth found out about me and Bert fucking the other night, so, curtosy of the school events oraganisers, he put up posters around the school simply saying GERARD WAY FUCKED A GUY LAST NIGHT.
(I can see how much thought went into that!)
It wasn't the fact that he'd done that to me that pissed me off, or the fact that someone had saw me and Bert then told him.
It was the fact that Frank saw the poster and gave me the most confusing look I've ever seen in my entire life.
Even though the eye contact we shared lasted for only a few seconds, I saw so many emotions that I think I felt ill afterwards. First, it was confusion, followed by anger, disgust and maybe hatred. But then came the weird part, it was almost as if he felt sorry for me, like he knew what it felt like to have people say shit like that about you.
And, call me paranoid or whatever you want but I swear I saw something in his eyes that reflected the exact way I felt when I thought about him.
And I knew I was stupid for feeling that way, because now, he won't even look at me or speak to me so basically I just feel like shit and I just wish that I could disappear into nothing and hope that no one would realise I was gone.
G
xoxo
I suddenly started to cry, this time more harder and louder than I think I'd cried since his death. It was my fault that he'd felt like that and wished me never exsited, it was stupid because I knew things were going to get better. But it was so strange reading those words from that long ago, from when we were in high school and things were so different, yet easier in a way.
I was angry that he'd lied about him and Bert, angry at myself for being the cause of his misery, however short or long that lasted. But most of all I was angry at the world for taking him.
For taking my Gerard and never, ever going to give him back.
1st November
This has to have been possibly the worst week or so of my life. I can't remember much from Bert's party apart from the fact that we did it again, even though I told myself I wouldn't. I'm such a faliure.
When I got there, Bert was already out of his mind on drink, weed, and possibly cocaine. I didn't want to get so messed up I wouldn't be able to remember the next day, but me being the fucked-up-faggot I totally went back on my word.
Bert came up to me and snaked his arm around my shoulder, trying to nuzzle into my neck, making my skin crawl.
"Hey Gee, long time no see."
"Yeah, how's things?"
"Oh fine, y'know...Hey! Come and get a drink or two down your neck! Then we can start on the weed!" Bert screeched, dragging me into the kitchen.
Clearly he didn't have to wait to start on the weed, he'd probably smoked a good few joints by now.
By the time it got to one oclock in the morning, I was just as wasted as Bert was at the begining of the night, I'm pretty sure I was snorting lines of cocaine then drink half a bottle of hard liquior every fifteen minutes or so.
I was sat in the living room in a circle with the dealers that were supplying the white stuff for us, when Bert suddenly came out of no where and took me away from my new "friends" and lead me upstairs.
"This is getting a regular sight for us isn't it Gee?" Bert whispered in my ear as he pushed me into his room and onto his bed.
I was so fucked, I didn't even realise my surroundings had changed, so I just nodded and laughed along with him.
Bert began to kiss me along my neck and up to my mouth while his hands found their way up underneath my shirt. I let out quiet moans of protest though they were muffled by his mouth pressed against mine.
The whole thing happened in a blur, only small parts of that night are clear enough for me to piece little things together like a fucked up jigsaw. Anyway, when I woke up in Bert's bed the next morning, wearing nothing and with no one next to me, I knew I'd broken my promise.
I'd let myself down, yet again...
To make matters worse (and the reason for it being the worst week of my life) somehow Anth found out about me and Bert fucking the other night, so, curtosy of the school events oraganisers, he put up posters around the school simply saying GERARD WAY FUCKED A GUY LAST NIGHT.
(I can see how much thought went into that!)
It wasn't the fact that he'd done that to me that pissed me off, or the fact that someone had saw me and Bert then told him.
It was the fact that Frank saw the poster and gave me the most confusing look I've ever seen in my entire life.
Even though the eye contact we shared lasted for only a few seconds, I saw so many emotions that I think I felt ill afterwards. First, it was confusion, followed by anger, disgust and maybe hatred. But then came the weird part, it was almost as if he felt sorry for me, like he knew what it felt like to have people say shit like that about you.
And, call me paranoid or whatever you want but I swear I saw something in his eyes that reflected the exact way I felt when I thought about him.
And I knew I was stupid for feeling that way, because now, he won't even look at me or speak to me so basically I just feel like shit and I just wish that I could disappear into nothing and hope that no one would realise I was gone.
G
xoxo
I suddenly started to cry, this time more harder and louder than I think I'd cried since his death. It was my fault that he'd felt like that and wished me never exsited, it was stupid because I knew things were going to get better. But it was so strange reading those words from that long ago, from when we were in high school and things were so different, yet easier in a way.
I was angry that he'd lied about him and Bert, angry at myself for being the cause of his misery, however short or long that lasted. But most of all I was angry at the world for taking him.
For taking my Gerard and never, ever going to give him back.
♠ ♠ ♠
I had this idea so I had to update again xDAgain, another big thanks to the comments
Love you all (:
Next update will probably be tomorrow (:
xoxo