For My Boyfriend's Eyes Only
006.
The next morning I woke up feeling like I'd had the worst night's sleep of my life, I was aching all over from lying in an awkward position and my eyes were puffy from crying. I vaguely remembered that this wasn't the worst night's sleep, the night he died was the worst.
I can remember every single detail of that day, but I'd rather not. I spend most of my time sat in front of the TV, not paying attention to it but just giving me something else to concentrate on. I thought that day was going to be just like any other, I was proven horribly wrong when Gerard didn't come home when he said he would and I had two cops standing at the front door and asking if I would go to the hospital with them.
It felt like a bad dream and even now I still foolishly think I'm going to wake up one day and Gerard's going to be here with me.
Later that day I went out, something I didn't do as often as I should. But I had a specific reason today, I had an appointment with my doctor.
I got a cab into town and walked the couple of blocks to the building where I was going to get my head looked at again. I groaned inwardly to myself as I entered through the main door and up to the reception, greeted by the same trying-too-hard-to-be-nice girl beside the desk.
There wasn't exactly anything wrong with her, it's just she was always so happy, I found it impossible to understand how anyone could smile so much.
"Hi Mr Iero," she greeted in that slightly squeaky voice of hers, "how are you feeling?"
"Fine thanks." I said simply, cursing her in my mind, she wasn't the one that was getting paid to talk to me about my problems.
"Um...Dr Rowland is it?"
"Yes." she should know that by now, I'm here every three weeks.
"Okay..." she clicked a couple of times on her computer mouse and typed something on the keyboard, the tapping of the keys sounding louder to me for some reason. "I'll just give her a quick call and then you can go up."
She smiled at me falsely again, picked up the phone and put it to her ear whilst dialing a three digit number.
I wandered slowly over to the corridor that lead to lift leaving just enough time to hear the girl speaking to my doctor. When her voice stopped I breathed a sigh of relief and quickened my pace to reach the lift.
Once I'd arrived on the right floor, which didn't take that long, I headed out and along yet another plainly decorated corridor that smelt of bleach and various other cleaning products, laced with the scent of those plug-in air fresheners you get, feeling worse than when I left the house.
I carried along until I reached the right room, it wasn't exactly hard to miss, the doctor's name was clearly visible on the brass plate screwed to the door. It read;
Dr Rowland.
Please knock for assistance.
Which is what it said on all of the doors, except the name was changed.
I lifted my fisted hand to the door, knocked three times and waited.
"So Frank, how are you feeling?"
I was sat in my usual spot in the black leather chair by the large window in Dr Rowland's room, staring at the city below and completely ignoring her questions. It was a good thing my doctor was a she, I don't think I would've been able to say all the stuff I needed to a man without wanting the ground to swallow me whole. Not that I'm embarrassed about being gay, just some people are still really homophobic in this day and age.
"What's happened since the last time we met? Have you done anything nice?"
"I packed Gerard's stuff up." I mumbled, "Not that I wanted to."
"Why is that?"
"I don't know. I still miss him."
"I understand, it's completely normal for you to feel that way so don't worry about it."
"So normal that you had to put me on medication." I stated bluntly.
"Frank...I..you weren't sleeping, eating or taking care of yourself properly. You were admitted to me because it was in your best interest."
"My mom's don't you mean."
"If she hadn't have contacted me, what would you be doing now? You could've done something as serious as take your own life. That's why I put you on medication."
"At least then I'd be with him...and the pills haven't done much."
Dr Rowland scribbled something down in my file, probably that I was beyond help and I needed locking up. I continued to glare out of the window, wishing I was anywhere but here.
"Anyway, how's the diet being going? Have you still been following the plan I gave you?"
"Yes." I lied. I hadn't been bothered to eat, I'd been living off coffee and maybe the occasional slice of toast, which I would throw up an hour later.
"Hmm...you don't look much different to last time." she commented, looking me up and down.
"It's been three weeks. How on earth can you notice something like that?" I sneered. I don't usual talk like this, only Rowland pisses me off alot.
"It's my job Frank."
It's lines like that that make me want to throw myself or her out of this very large window. I've never really gotten round to making a full scale plan...
"Have you spoken to your mother lately?"
"No."
"She hasn't called?"
"No."
"You haven't called her?"
"No."
"Have you seen anyone the past couple of weeks?"
"Only Mikey, Ray and Bob. They came round and help me put his things into boxes."
"I see..." more note taking, "Did you enjoy the company?"
I shrugged. "It was okay, I guess. I still would've like Gerard to be there."
"But Gerard's gone, I thought we covered this?"
"Yeah well I'm so fucking sorry I can't control my fucking feelings for him!" I yelled suddenly.
Dr Rowland didn't flinch at all, she merely sighed and wrote some more then spoke just as calmly.
"Please don't shout at me Frank....now, how did it make you feel when you were sorting through his things?"
She was un-fucking-believable. Only two seconds ago she'd told me that he was gone and that "we covered this". Now she was asking me about him! i think she's the one that needs her head looking at.
"I don't know....like I wanted him back."
"Mhm..." she mumbled, scribbling down more notes in my file before nodding her head at me, her way of saying "continue."
"I...I...I still keep wishing that he'd come back, but I know he's never going to...even when Mikey comes over I don't feel close to Gerard."
"Mikey and Gerard were brothers, am I right?"
"Yeah, um...I just feel even more alone as I realize that he is gone forever."
Rowland didn't say anything after that, she just continued writing for what felt like forever, when in reality it was only five minutes.
Finally, she closed my file and recapped her pen and set them down on the desk and smiled at me.
"I still want you to take your medication and to follow the diet plan properly, if you don't mind." I should've known that she would've sussed me out. "And I'll see you in three weeks. Is Thursday okay with you?"
"Yeah...fine." I said forcing a happy voice.
"Great, I'll see you then."
I knew she was shit at her job, I left her room feeling ten times worse than when I arrived. The only thing I could look forward to now was getting back to my apartment and reading some more of Gerard's diary.
I can remember every single detail of that day, but I'd rather not. I spend most of my time sat in front of the TV, not paying attention to it but just giving me something else to concentrate on. I thought that day was going to be just like any other, I was proven horribly wrong when Gerard didn't come home when he said he would and I had two cops standing at the front door and asking if I would go to the hospital with them.
It felt like a bad dream and even now I still foolishly think I'm going to wake up one day and Gerard's going to be here with me.
Later that day I went out, something I didn't do as often as I should. But I had a specific reason today, I had an appointment with my doctor.
I got a cab into town and walked the couple of blocks to the building where I was going to get my head looked at again. I groaned inwardly to myself as I entered through the main door and up to the reception, greeted by the same trying-too-hard-to-be-nice girl beside the desk.
There wasn't exactly anything wrong with her, it's just she was always so happy, I found it impossible to understand how anyone could smile so much.
"Hi Mr Iero," she greeted in that slightly squeaky voice of hers, "how are you feeling?"
"Fine thanks." I said simply, cursing her in my mind, she wasn't the one that was getting paid to talk to me about my problems.
"Um...Dr Rowland is it?"
"Yes." she should know that by now, I'm here every three weeks.
"Okay..." she clicked a couple of times on her computer mouse and typed something on the keyboard, the tapping of the keys sounding louder to me for some reason. "I'll just give her a quick call and then you can go up."
She smiled at me falsely again, picked up the phone and put it to her ear whilst dialing a three digit number.
I wandered slowly over to the corridor that lead to lift leaving just enough time to hear the girl speaking to my doctor. When her voice stopped I breathed a sigh of relief and quickened my pace to reach the lift.
Once I'd arrived on the right floor, which didn't take that long, I headed out and along yet another plainly decorated corridor that smelt of bleach and various other cleaning products, laced with the scent of those plug-in air fresheners you get, feeling worse than when I left the house.
I carried along until I reached the right room, it wasn't exactly hard to miss, the doctor's name was clearly visible on the brass plate screwed to the door. It read;
Dr Rowland.
Please knock for assistance.
Which is what it said on all of the doors, except the name was changed.
I lifted my fisted hand to the door, knocked three times and waited.
"So Frank, how are you feeling?"
I was sat in my usual spot in the black leather chair by the large window in Dr Rowland's room, staring at the city below and completely ignoring her questions. It was a good thing my doctor was a she, I don't think I would've been able to say all the stuff I needed to a man without wanting the ground to swallow me whole. Not that I'm embarrassed about being gay, just some people are still really homophobic in this day and age.
"What's happened since the last time we met? Have you done anything nice?"
"I packed Gerard's stuff up." I mumbled, "Not that I wanted to."
"Why is that?"
"I don't know. I still miss him."
"I understand, it's completely normal for you to feel that way so don't worry about it."
"So normal that you had to put me on medication." I stated bluntly.
"Frank...I..you weren't sleeping, eating or taking care of yourself properly. You were admitted to me because it was in your best interest."
"My mom's don't you mean."
"If she hadn't have contacted me, what would you be doing now? You could've done something as serious as take your own life. That's why I put you on medication."
"At least then I'd be with him...and the pills haven't done much."
Dr Rowland scribbled something down in my file, probably that I was beyond help and I needed locking up. I continued to glare out of the window, wishing I was anywhere but here.
"Anyway, how's the diet being going? Have you still been following the plan I gave you?"
"Yes." I lied. I hadn't been bothered to eat, I'd been living off coffee and maybe the occasional slice of toast, which I would throw up an hour later.
"Hmm...you don't look much different to last time." she commented, looking me up and down.
"It's been three weeks. How on earth can you notice something like that?" I sneered. I don't usual talk like this, only Rowland pisses me off alot.
"It's my job Frank."
It's lines like that that make me want to throw myself or her out of this very large window. I've never really gotten round to making a full scale plan...
"Have you spoken to your mother lately?"
"No."
"She hasn't called?"
"No."
"You haven't called her?"
"No."
"Have you seen anyone the past couple of weeks?"
"Only Mikey, Ray and Bob. They came round and help me put his things into boxes."
"I see..." more note taking, "Did you enjoy the company?"
I shrugged. "It was okay, I guess. I still would've like Gerard to be there."
"But Gerard's gone, I thought we covered this?"
"Yeah well I'm so fucking sorry I can't control my fucking feelings for him!" I yelled suddenly.
Dr Rowland didn't flinch at all, she merely sighed and wrote some more then spoke just as calmly.
"Please don't shout at me Frank....now, how did it make you feel when you were sorting through his things?"
She was un-fucking-believable. Only two seconds ago she'd told me that he was gone and that "we covered this". Now she was asking me about him! i think she's the one that needs her head looking at.
"I don't know....like I wanted him back."
"Mhm..." she mumbled, scribbling down more notes in my file before nodding her head at me, her way of saying "continue."
"I...I...I still keep wishing that he'd come back, but I know he's never going to...even when Mikey comes over I don't feel close to Gerard."
"Mikey and Gerard were brothers, am I right?"
"Yeah, um...I just feel even more alone as I realize that he is gone forever."
Rowland didn't say anything after that, she just continued writing for what felt like forever, when in reality it was only five minutes.
Finally, she closed my file and recapped her pen and set them down on the desk and smiled at me.
"I still want you to take your medication and to follow the diet plan properly, if you don't mind." I should've known that she would've sussed me out. "And I'll see you in three weeks. Is Thursday okay with you?"
"Yeah...fine." I said forcing a happy voice.
"Great, I'll see you then."
I knew she was shit at her job, I left her room feeling ten times worse than when I arrived. The only thing I could look forward to now was getting back to my apartment and reading some more of Gerard's diary.
♠ ♠ ♠
I hope everyone enjoyed this long oneAll you people who comment are amazing (: thanks so much
I'll update again tomorrow
xoxo