Invisible
Do you ever wonder, when you listen to the thunder
“Kendall come on.” James put his arm around the tall blondes’ shoulders guiding him away from the scene. The rain was coming down harder, pelting the boys as they returned to the black car that was running on the street corner. Both boys piled in the back seat of the car; the other two boys in the front seat were quiet and somber. As the short brunette boy put the car into gear, Kendall turned his attention to the scene they just left.
The rain was coming down harder as they made their way back to the apartment they shared in La Jolla. None of the four boys in the car dared speak a word; they remained quiet as they drove to their apartment building.
Kendall sat in the back seat staring out the car window, not really paying attention to any of the familiar surroundings of the town. The trees, the grass, the buildings, the people, the bill boards, everything seemed so different to him now. The red roses outside Xavier’s Flower Shop seemed anything but bright today, all the objects Kendall saw were drained; drained of color, drained of emotion drained of feelings.
It’d been a long time since Kendall had to go through anything like this. In fact they only time he’d ever had to go through this was when he was ten and his dog ran away; and even then, it still wasn’t the same. His whole life had disappeared in the blink of an eye, in the time it took for him to take a breath…; his whole life fell out from underneath him. The one thing Kendall saw in his life had gone away, she’d been taken away from him, in some cruel act of God.
For everyone every telling him, in his 21 years of living, that everything that happens, happens for a reason; or, that everything God does he does for a reason; it all made sense to him when he was younger. But now, as Kendall sat in the silent car, now as he had to go through it, he saw it all a sick joke. He wondered why God would take away something so beautiful, something so young, something so special; how God could take away a life. The life of someone so special, so beautiful, so important; not only to him, but to everyone’s life she touched…, to take away from the people who never experience her smile, or her laugh.
Kendall moved his gaze to his lap; it was more intriguing then looking at the clouded memories that existed outside the car window. But as he examined his hands he realized that even looking down at his own hands he couldn’t stop thinking of clouded memories. All the memories that he used to remember so vividly, the memories he held on to when he was away from her, the memories he now tried so hard to forget, to push out of his mind. Those memories that meant so much to him, that used to bring him so much happiness, were now bringing a lump to his throat and tears to his eyes.
The car came to a halt as Logan pulled into the parking space outside their apartment building. Like a robot Kendall walked from the car to his room in the spacious La Jolla apartment, without moving anything but his feet in short little movements. This was tearing him apart on the inside, just as much as it was on the outside. Once Kendall was in the confides of his room he fell on his bed, the one he shared with her so many times, the one with her smell, the one that adorned the sheets she’d picked out for him. Inhaling the smell of her cupcake perfume sent him into a fit of memories. The memories he’d been trying so hard for three days to get out of his head. Tears silently fell from his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. The ceiling of the room that used to host pictures of the two of them together, the room that she used to sleep in, that she used to stay in, that they used to share. Sitting up Kendall disposed of the black dress jacket he was wearing and kicked off his shoes before falling back on the bed, staring at the too familiar ceiling.
The exhaustion from the past couple days were starting to settle in. As Kendall lay in bed, he was greeted by the all too familiar feeling of his memories clouding his mind; reminding him of her. At any other given time he’d lust for those memories, he’d crave them, he’d call her just to hear her voice, he’d sit in the bus and he’d wish she was there, when he’d have a show he’d just want her to be waiting backstage; but now, he loathed everything that had her memories on it. The thought of her brought him so much pain it was unbearable.
The thought that he’d have to go the rest of his life without the one person he thought he’d spend it with was killing him on the inside. Kendall used to have conversations with her about what’d they’d name their children, Sadie and Kevin, they’d talk about what their wedding would be like, she always said she’d wear a princess dress, they’d talk about what kind of house they’d have, big and modern, she liked those the best, but, now, all of that was just a distant dream. A dream that now was more like a tormenting nightmare.
It wasn’t that Kendall didn’t care; it wasn’t like he was trying to forget everything about her. He did care; he cared about her so much; they’d been together for two and a half years. She was his world, she was his everything, and she was everything he’d ever wanted and more; and now all that was gone. He didn’t blame her for what happened, but he couldn’t help but slip into the thought that she was so selfish. But then he’d realize that he was the one being selfish. There were so many times over the past three days that Kendall blamed himself; that he didn’t see the signs, that he wasn’t paying enough attention. It killed him, that if he just caught on, he might have been able to stop it; that if he stopped it, he would be falling asleep with his girlfriend tonight, instead of falling asleep with tears in his eyes and a broken heart.
There were so many things he wanted to tell her; so many things that he wanted to do with her, so many things he wanted to see with her. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how seeing her smile made him smile, how he loved her laugh, he wanted to tell her how much he wanted to be with her, he wanted to tell her that he’d marry her…that he wanted to marry her. He wanted to do so many things, he wanted to go to Paris with her, he wanted her to be backstage at his show, he wanted to buy her things, he wanted to buy a house with her, he wanted to marry her…, and he wanted to have kids with her.
Most of the time Kendall never thought of these things, the things he’d do or say to her; hell most guys don’t. But now that Kendall was smacked in the face by reality all he could think about were the things he wanted to do with her. The time he wanted to spend with her. The beautiful things he’d whisper in her ear. He killed him on the inside that he never got to tell her how much she truly meant to him, that he would never be able to tell her face to face that being without her made his heart ache.
He wiped a tear from his face.
“I just wish you were here. Here with me.” Kendall turned on his side staring at the night table at the spot where their picture used to me. “I want to fall asleep with you. I want to kiss you, and hold you…, tell you everything will be okay.” The lump was forming in his throat again. “I want to marry you, I want to have children with you…, I want to spend the rest of my life with you…, I wan—…” Kendall choked on his words, the tears coming harder now. He looked at the space next to him where she used to lay.
“I love you Sofie Grace Jacob.”
The rain was coming down harder as they made their way back to the apartment they shared in La Jolla. None of the four boys in the car dared speak a word; they remained quiet as they drove to their apartment building.
Kendall sat in the back seat staring out the car window, not really paying attention to any of the familiar surroundings of the town. The trees, the grass, the buildings, the people, the bill boards, everything seemed so different to him now. The red roses outside Xavier’s Flower Shop seemed anything but bright today, all the objects Kendall saw were drained; drained of color, drained of emotion drained of feelings.
It’d been a long time since Kendall had to go through anything like this. In fact they only time he’d ever had to go through this was when he was ten and his dog ran away; and even then, it still wasn’t the same. His whole life had disappeared in the blink of an eye, in the time it took for him to take a breath…; his whole life fell out from underneath him. The one thing Kendall saw in his life had gone away, she’d been taken away from him, in some cruel act of God.
For everyone every telling him, in his 21 years of living, that everything that happens, happens for a reason; or, that everything God does he does for a reason; it all made sense to him when he was younger. But now, as Kendall sat in the silent car, now as he had to go through it, he saw it all a sick joke. He wondered why God would take away something so beautiful, something so young, something so special; how God could take away a life. The life of someone so special, so beautiful, so important; not only to him, but to everyone’s life she touched…, to take away from the people who never experience her smile, or her laugh.
Kendall moved his gaze to his lap; it was more intriguing then looking at the clouded memories that existed outside the car window. But as he examined his hands he realized that even looking down at his own hands he couldn’t stop thinking of clouded memories. All the memories that he used to remember so vividly, the memories he held on to when he was away from her, the memories he now tried so hard to forget, to push out of his mind. Those memories that meant so much to him, that used to bring him so much happiness, were now bringing a lump to his throat and tears to his eyes.
The car came to a halt as Logan pulled into the parking space outside their apartment building. Like a robot Kendall walked from the car to his room in the spacious La Jolla apartment, without moving anything but his feet in short little movements. This was tearing him apart on the inside, just as much as it was on the outside. Once Kendall was in the confides of his room he fell on his bed, the one he shared with her so many times, the one with her smell, the one that adorned the sheets she’d picked out for him. Inhaling the smell of her cupcake perfume sent him into a fit of memories. The memories he’d been trying so hard for three days to get out of his head. Tears silently fell from his eyes as he stared at the ceiling. The ceiling of the room that used to host pictures of the two of them together, the room that she used to sleep in, that she used to stay in, that they used to share. Sitting up Kendall disposed of the black dress jacket he was wearing and kicked off his shoes before falling back on the bed, staring at the too familiar ceiling.
The exhaustion from the past couple days were starting to settle in. As Kendall lay in bed, he was greeted by the all too familiar feeling of his memories clouding his mind; reminding him of her. At any other given time he’d lust for those memories, he’d crave them, he’d call her just to hear her voice, he’d sit in the bus and he’d wish she was there, when he’d have a show he’d just want her to be waiting backstage; but now, he loathed everything that had her memories on it. The thought of her brought him so much pain it was unbearable.
The thought that he’d have to go the rest of his life without the one person he thought he’d spend it with was killing him on the inside. Kendall used to have conversations with her about what’d they’d name their children, Sadie and Kevin, they’d talk about what their wedding would be like, she always said she’d wear a princess dress, they’d talk about what kind of house they’d have, big and modern, she liked those the best, but, now, all of that was just a distant dream. A dream that now was more like a tormenting nightmare.
It wasn’t that Kendall didn’t care; it wasn’t like he was trying to forget everything about her. He did care; he cared about her so much; they’d been together for two and a half years. She was his world, she was his everything, and she was everything he’d ever wanted and more; and now all that was gone. He didn’t blame her for what happened, but he couldn’t help but slip into the thought that she was so selfish. But then he’d realize that he was the one being selfish. There were so many times over the past three days that Kendall blamed himself; that he didn’t see the signs, that he wasn’t paying enough attention. It killed him, that if he just caught on, he might have been able to stop it; that if he stopped it, he would be falling asleep with his girlfriend tonight, instead of falling asleep with tears in his eyes and a broken heart.
There were so many things he wanted to tell her; so many things that he wanted to do with her, so many things he wanted to see with her. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how seeing her smile made him smile, how he loved her laugh, he wanted to tell her how much he wanted to be with her, he wanted to tell her that he’d marry her…that he wanted to marry her. He wanted to do so many things, he wanted to go to Paris with her, he wanted her to be backstage at his show, he wanted to buy her things, he wanted to buy a house with her, he wanted to marry her…, and he wanted to have kids with her.
Most of the time Kendall never thought of these things, the things he’d do or say to her; hell most guys don’t. But now that Kendall was smacked in the face by reality all he could think about were the things he wanted to do with her. The time he wanted to spend with her. The beautiful things he’d whisper in her ear. He killed him on the inside that he never got to tell her how much she truly meant to him, that he would never be able to tell her face to face that being without her made his heart ache.
He wiped a tear from his face.
“I just wish you were here. Here with me.” Kendall turned on his side staring at the night table at the spot where their picture used to me. “I want to fall asleep with you. I want to kiss you, and hold you…, tell you everything will be okay.” The lump was forming in his throat again. “I want to marry you, I want to have children with you…, I want to spend the rest of my life with you…, I wan—…” Kendall choked on his words, the tears coming harder now. He looked at the space next to him where she used to lay.
“I love you Sofie Grace Jacob.”
♠ ♠ ♠
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