Said Without a Sound

Our family took about a month off life to mourn for Tom before trying to go back to the way things were. After a week of school, I couldn’t handle it. Shallow sympathies, empty condolences. Everyone was always tiptoeing around me. So today, I decided to cut school and spend time with Tom instead.

I cried the minute I sat down in front of his grave again. That needed to stop.

I talked to Tom about how shitty school was and how great the band stuff was going before I noticed a familiar head of red hair by a grave over on the other hill, so I got up, said bye to Tom, and walked over to Gwen.

“You disappeared on me last time,” I complained as I approached her. She had just placed flowers on a grave and was kneeling down before it, but she quickly got to her feet.

“Sorry, Lex,” she mumbled, furiously rubbing her eyes. “I wasn’t quite ready to talk about that yet…who I’ve lost, I mean…”

I leaned around her to see the grave. The stone read, “Daniel Thurston” and the year of death was just two years ago. He was born the same year as Tom, though. Shit. This guy died even younger than Tom did. “Tell me about him,” I said softly, stepping closer to Gwen.

“That’s a story you don’t want to hear,” Gwen laughed, tears still falling from her eyes. “It gets easier, Lex. Not having them around, I mean. It still just fucking sucks, though.”

I laughed a bit. It was weird to hear her swear because she looked like such a kid. “How old are you, Gwen?”

“Seventeen,” she answered after thinking about it for a moment.

“Really? Me too.”

“Well, I’m not really…” Gwen’s gaze traveled to the lake again. “Never mind.”

I looked at the lake, too, trying to see what she saw, but there were only the geese. “What are you looking at? Hey, Gwen!” I turned around to look at her again, to try and study her expression and figure out what she was thinking, but she had vanished from my side again. She was now walking towards the lake. I quickly trotted to her side. “What’s wrong? Talk to me,” I pleaded, grabbing her hand.

Gwen stopped walking and stared at our hands for a moment. “Um, sorry,” I felt the need to apologize and began to let go of her, but then Gwen wound our fingers together and kept walking, leading me to the tree by the lake. For some reason, there was a rope hanging from the branch of the tree that stretched over the water. Wonder what that’s for?

“I’ll tell you about Daniel if you tell me about Tom,” Gwen said after a while, hugging her skinny legs to her chest.

“Alright,” I agreed, shrugging out of my jacket and draping it over her. Why she was only in jeans and a cute little blouse-y top in this weather, I have no idea. I still had my hoodie on underneath, so I was fine. Gwen smiled gratefully as she shoved her arms through the sleeves of my jacket. My jacket seemed to swallow her up. She waited patiently as I cleared my throat.

“Tom was my older brother,” I explained, scooting closer beside Gwen. “He had a drinking problem, but we didn’t think he was depressed or anything. Up to the time of his death, though, he became increasingly…temperamental. His room – he, uh, broke a lot of stuff for no reason, but whatever he didn’t break, he gave to me. We should’ve noticed. We should’ve seen the signs. Me most of all. The night before he committed suicide, he gave me his favorite New Found Glory shirt. It was signed by the band and everything. I…I was too excited about the shirt to think about what was going through Tom’s head,” I choked out a laugh, my eyes starting to water again. Dammit. I didn’t want to cry in front of Gwen.

Gwen slowly, hesitantly wrapped both her arms around one of mine and leaned her head on my shoulder when I made no move to push her away. She was so slight it was unsightly and I could barely feel her, but her gesture was comforting all the same. “I found Tom dead on the floor of his room one Sunday morning when I ran up to tell him that we were eating breakfast and that he needed to get ready to go to Church. He overdosed on some meds of some sort.”

Gwen stayed surprisingly silent, which was fine. Her presence was enough for me. “Thanks, Gwen.” She picked her head up off my shoulder and looked at me questioningly. “For not saying sorry. For not saying anything. For…just being here with me,” I explained.

“Shit, I hate when people say ‘I’m sorry’ to you because someone you love died. Why the fuck do they say that? It’s like, what the fuck do I say back, you know? ‘I forgive you’? And I really fucking hate when they say ‘Everything will be alright’ or ‘Everything will be ok.’ Bitch, please,” I ranted, thinking about Tom’s wake at the funeral home. I was irritated by the smell of the funeral home – a mixture of flowers, whatever perfumes or colognes everyone was wearing, death. I was so irritated with everyone.

Gwen rested her head back on my shoulder. After a few minutes, I rested my head on top of hers. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly, a few tears escaping from my eyes. I hadn’t ranted or vented like this to anyone. It felt amazing to do it to Gwen. That’s what he said, but I digress.

“You’re cold, Gwen,” I murmured, pulling my arm out of hers to wrap it around her slight frame and pull her closer to me. Gwen then attempted to drape my jacket over the both of us. Somehow, Gwen was just so comfortable that I ended up falling asleep. I woke up with a start. “Shit, sorry, have I been out for long?” I laughed, rubbing my eyes and straightening up into a sitting position. “Gwen?”

But she was gone yet again, and she never did tell me about that Daniel guy...