Safer to Hate Her

Carla looked up at the tall building in front of her, the sheer height made her dizzy. Taking one last deep breath she climbed the stairs and entered through the large front doors and walked to what seemed to be the reception.

“Hello, can I help you?” The women behind the desk seemed bored, then again she must see so many people come and go through those doors that eventually it does become quite repetitive.

“Oh sorry,” she been staring into space again, like she had the morning she received the letter, “I’m here to see, erm.” She looked down at the letter again. She read it at least a dozen times but for some reason the information just wasn’t sticking. “Dr Hale.”

She began typing into the computer sat on her desk, “she’ll be soon with you so could you please take a seat in the waiting room.”

She nodded sending her a smile and headed to the waiting room, as she walked in she was relieved that she was the only one in there. She didn’t think she could face looking at other people in the same dilemma that she was facing.

She carefully picked at some cotton that had come loose on her jumper, nervously waiting for Dr Hale to come and see to her.

She’d received the letter two days ago, she’d gone for a routine check-up, her and Jersey, and now she had to go to the hospital as some of her tests showed abnormalities. She couldn’t put her finger on what it could be; she is relatively healthy and makes sure to take some sort of vitamin supplements with her diet. Hopefully, as she prayed, this is just a false alarm and everything will be okay.

“Mrs. Hart?”

She looked up from her jumper which she had made worse through lack of concentration and looked to the door of the waiting room. She nodded and followed the doctor to her room, crossing her fingers that everything would be okay.

“Take a seat.” The doctor motioned to the two seats on the opposite side of her desk.
She’d always hated hospitals, ever since she had to be almost 24/7 with her husband in his final weeks and looking after her baby too. Life got difficult and she always associates it with the hospital, it had taken her a lot of courage to be here today.

“As you know from the letter, we have found some abnormal readings in your recent blood tests. From the notes I have here I am going to refer you on to an oncologist, who might to need to perform a biopsy.”

It was cancer. She knew it. She didn’t want to believe it, but it was in her genes. Her grandmother had died from breast cancer before she was born.

“Before we get the results from the test we can’t know for sure whether metastasis has occurred, if it has spread we can look at trying to plan out what we need to do. I’m sorry that I had to tell you this, but hopefully, the earlier we catch this, the better chance we have of saving you.”

Carla just nodded along, letting the words sink in. All of a sudden, she felt dirty and had the urge to clean herself. She knew it wouldn’t work, why her? She burst into tears when her daughter’s face flashed before her eyes. How would she cope?

Carla vowed that she wouldn’t tell her daughter unless it was incurable. With everything going on in her life she didn’t need this at the moment.

“If you’d like to follow me to the next floor and we can explain more to you about the procedure.”

Everything around her was blurred, it’s as though she was stuck in time and everything was happening around her and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

“Mum!” Jersey shouted from the top of the stairs, “I’m going to the pier today, do you want anything while I’m down there?”

“Jersey, don’t shout!” Carla rubbed her head; she’d had a migraine for the past four days.

Jersey walked into the kitchen and hugged her Mum, “I’m sorry, I forgot you had a headache.”

“It’s okay, no I don’t need anything. Do you need some money?”

Jersey bit down on her lip, embarrassed. She hated asking for money off her mum, “I’ll pay you back when I can.”

Carla put a hand up to stop her daughter, “my treat. Now, come on, you don’t want to keep that nice boy waiting.” She teased knowingly at her daughter.

“Thanks Mum.” Carla barely heard her as she was already running back to her room to get ready.
Laughing at her daughter, she turned around and carried on preparing the dinner. Humming quietly to herself, she heard Jersey leave and she was relieved to have the house to herself for a while.

Putting down the towel she had in her hand she made her way to answer the phone which was ringing in the next room.

“Mrs. Hart, I’ve been told to inform you that the results are back from your biopsy and Dr. Hale would like for you to come and see her sometime this afternoon.”

“Okay, what time should I be there?” Her hands were shaking as she picked up a pen to write down the time.

Today was the day she would find out what her life was going to be like for the next few months. Taking a deep breath and making sure the oven was turned off, she donned her jacket and set of for the hospital, again.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

“Nice to see you again, Mrs. Hart. Please take a seat.” The doctor smiled at her as she took her seat in front of her.

“Here I have the results from your biopsy earlier this week from Dr. Garcia. From what she can see, she is very concerned about your health at the moment. The section we took for sampling came back we extensive cancerous growth and she’s worried that it’s already passed stage three.”

Tears were rolling down her cheeks as she heard the news.

“Is it really bad?” She sounded like a little girl again, afraid and unsure of what to do.

“I’m afraid so. But we will do everything in our power to stop this to give you the best possible chance of living.”

“And if I do nothing? How long will I have left?”

She feared the answer. She didn’t want to know, she didn’t want to face it.

“If you proceed without treatment possibly up to six months,” The answer hit her like a ton of bricks, she wasn’t expecting that. It was worse than she imagined, “and with our help anything from one to three years.”

She just wanted to curl up in a ball right there and cry. She couldn’t believe how her life had changed in the past week. She always imagined she’d go in her sleep well into her nineties, but that’s wishful thinking. Life is short.

She had a tough decision to make; she didn’t know whether she could cope with treatments. That was when she decided that she would tell her baby; let them make the decision together.
It’s only right that’s she’s a part of this, she needs to know.

“Thank you. If you wouldn’t mind I’d like a few days to think over what I want to do, have a talk with my daughter.”

She nodded her head, she’d seen this before. It broke her heart to tell people this kind of news, but she signed up for this when she took her job.

“That’s perfectly fine, Mrs. Hart. I know it must have been a big shock. Just try and rest for me, don’t become too stressed.”

“I won’t.”

Wiping the tears from her eyes she headed out of the hospital and drove to the pier, to see her baby play her guitar.