Safer to Hate Her

Wiping the tears from her eyes, Carla walked towards the end of the pier where she knew Jersey would be. It’s a wonder she was able to make it there because her vision was so blurred.

She pulled her jacket closer to her body, it was always cold this close to the sea. She could just about make them out; they were stood next to the last bench. They had one or two people standing listening to them. She’d been down here a couple of times to see Jersey play; she was always so proud. The way she was performing now was different. She was laughing and enjoying herself a lot more, and Carla knew she had Rupert to thank for that.

She was really happy that Jersey had Rupert because it might make this situation possibly a little more bearable for her; having someone to cry to, someone to love her.

Jersey had just noticed her mother walking towards them. Just seeing her there made her so happy; she hadn’t been to see her play in such a long time. Jersey could sense something was wrong, the tears gave it away but the way she was walking, like she had been deflated. She had no life in her.

Putting down her guitar, smiling apologetically at Rupert, she walked over to her mum. Who, she now noticed was shivering. Placing her coat over her shoulders she guided her to the free bench next to them.

“What’s wrong Mum?” Jersey placed her hand on her Mum’s back and hugged her from the side.

Carla couldn’t look her daughter in the eyes; she knew that if she took one look at her she wouldn’t be able to hold back tears. By now, the guitar playing had stopped and Rupert had joined them on the bench, sympathetically rubbing Jersey’s knee.

“When you’re finished here, I’ll wait, there’s something I need to talk to you about at home.”

“It’s not Gran, is it? She was fine the other day when I went to see her and – “

“No, she’s fine. Don’t worry.” She smiled to her daughter, “go on, finish your songs and then we’ll go.”

“I don’t feel like playing now, Mum.” Jersey was on the verge of tears, she hated seeing her

Mum like this. The last time her Mum had been so upset was six years ago when her sister died, suddenly. It had been a shock to everyone, but for her Mum especially. They were so close.

Jersey turned to Rupert, “could you get my guitar for me?”

Without saying a word, only sending her a smile, he went to pack up her things for her. She was so tense and upset; he didn’t know what to do. He was good with words to start with, but trying to comfort people was even worse. He fumbled his words, he didn’t know what to say and he’d fear he’d make it all worse if he said anything. Which is why whenever people are upset he tends to leave to other people to sort, it just wasn’t him.
Carla took her daughter’s hand for support and they waved goodbye to Rupert. She hated that she’d stopped them from playing, because they looked so happy together. She remembered when she had that. She was never one for romantics but when she was Jersey’s age that was all different.

“Mum, are you sure you can drive?”

Carla nodded her head and started to drive back home, scared about when she had to tell her daughter what was going to happen. She was trying to play out the conversation in her head but she couldn’t even start. She had no idea what to say.

x-x-x-x-x

“I’ll make us a cup of tea, Mum. You go and sit down.”

Jersey fell against the wall in the Kitchen, trying to get her breath back. Whatever was happening isn’t good, her Mum would normally have just told her then and there in front of Rupert if it wasn’t that serious.

She had no idea what she was about to hear, but she knew it would affect her massively. She just hoped it was nothing to do with her Mum, she didn’t think she could cope with losing another parent.

Walking into the Living Room and passing her Mum the tea, Jersey sat down next to her waiting for her to tell her, hopefully, something not as bad as she was imagining. She lost her job, she could deal with that, she’d get a small job . They would cope.

“Jersey, I don’t know where to begin.” She took her daughter’s hand and looked into her eyes, they looked just like her father’s did. At that moment, she felt like he was stood right behind her, supporting her. They way he would have if he were still with them.

“I received a letter the other day from the hospital. They found some abnormalities on my blood test. So I went to see the doctor as they asked and they refered me to oncologist to have a biopsy. They took a sample and it came back as extemely cancerous.” They were both sobbing at this point. She held her daughter’s head in her hands and continued.

“I don’t think I’m going to make it through this. I told them I wouldn’t make my decision about treatment without talking to you first. You are my life.”

Jersey wiped away some of her tears, “what kind of treatment?”

“They said it would be chemotherapy, they would try and stop it spreading more than it has. It was too late. If I have the treatment, I could survive a year or up to three. Without it and it would be six months. I don’t know if I could handle losing my hair, or, being that ill.”

She turned away from Jersey, looking out of the window. She couldn’t bear to see her daughter crying.

“Why didn’t they see it earlier?!” Jersey shouted, leaping up from the couch and pacing the living room.

“They could have done something about it, they could have saved you before it’s too late!”
She slumped against the wall with her head in hands, the tears flowing freely down her face. Why didn’t they do more? This was her mum! They had no right to take her away from her.

Carla ran over to her daughter and held her close, rocking her back and forth. “Will you promise me that you will never blame yourself for this, ever! You couldn’t have done anything. And the doctors they were only doing their job.”

Jersey pushed her Mum away, looking at her with anger, “Why are you giving up!? Am I not worth living for? How dare you not try and get better. You’re so selfish!”

She pushed right past her Mum and ran to the only place she knew she would feel safe. She felt horrible for saying all those things, but she knew that if she didn’t say them they would just eat away at her.

Why was this happening? What did she do to deserve this? Not a single memory of her father apart from that one time in the hospital and now her memories that she could have made with her mother had been snatched away from her.

She screamed in pain up to the sky as she knocked on the door of Rupert’s house.
Rupert’s Mum opened the door, a puzzled look on her face until she noticed it was Jersey stood there in the rain with no coat on. She ushered her inside and grabbed her into a hug.

“Ssh, it’s going to be okay, Rupert’s upstairs in her bedroom, dear. Go on up.”

That poor thing. She thought.

She banged on his door but he wouldn’t answer. She knew he could hear her crying, pleading for him to help her but he never said anything.

“Jersey?”

She looked up and saw Rupert stood there coming back from the bathroom. She clambered to her feet and ran to him, wrapping her arms tightly around him; hoping that everything would disappear.

He ran his fingers through her hair, trying to comfort her. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to do so he pulled them into his bedroom and sat her down on his bed.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” This just made her burst out crying again.

“I’ll always make it worse.” He sighed.

Holding her tightly he softly sang to her and after a few minutes she had stopped crying.
Bringing her face up to look at him, she smiled softly.

“My Mum’s got cancer, they can’t cure it. It’s spread too far.” She played with a piece of his hair that had fallen into his eyes.

He didn’t like seeing her like this one bit, it upset him too that his Jersey was crying in his arms. What hurt even more was that he had no idea what he could do to help her. So he just sat there letting her hold onto him.

“Where is she now?”

“At home. I yelled at her. I feel horrible but I didn’t know what to do.”

Wiping tears from her eyes with his jumper he smiled down at her, “it’s really late at night, Jers. You should be at home with your Mum. She needs you now.”

She knew he was right, she couldn’t begin to imagine what it was likefor her. Maybe they were both being selfish. At that moment, she knew she had to grow up and be there for her Mum through everything. But with a clear mind, she couldn’t cry all time time, she had to be strong.
Nodding she got up and walked towards the door, she turned back and looked at him. He was at there with a tear stained jumper and a helpless look on his face. Even though he was bad at comforting people, he was hers, and nobody was ever going to change that.
She smiled and headed back home, not before thanking Rupert’s Mum for letting her in.
When she got home she changed into some clean, dry clothes. As all the lights were out, she figured her Mum had gone to bed.

She pushed open her Mum’s bedroom door and carefully got into bed next to her. “It’s okay, Mum. I’m here for you.” She whispered, moving hair out of her eyes.
“I know, Baby girl.” She heard her mother whisper back.
Jersey held onto her Mum as they both cried together until they eventually fell asleep in each other’s arms.