What You Know Is True

Chapter 14

Louie ended up staying at Dad’s house for another week, and then another. Mama never really talked about it and I never asked if it was a permanent thing.

Mama had gotten more worried though, not about Louie, but about me. I stayed in my room a bit more lately, and would wear the same clothes almost every day. I never wanted to talk and eating felt like a chore I had to force myself to do.

I convinced Mama I was just coming down with something and that it was nothing serious. I tried avoiding her when she was home so I wouldn’t have to see the looks she’d give me: concern and hurt, wanting to do something but not sure what or how.

I ignored Nixon whenever he texted or called, and Chasha too, whenever she would send me emails or IMs trying to coax me to chat with her.

I wanted to pretend no one but me existed in the world.

Josee’s journal sat on my side table, where I would read it every other hour. Each time it made me sicker but I couldn’t stop. My stomach was constantly rolling, and I woke up from nightmares I couldn’t remember.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone as much as I hated Josee right then. I hated that she did those things to me. I hated that I once thought it was okay because she was my sister and she could never do anything wrong.

I hated myself as much I hated her.

There were moments where I actually felt bad for her. But they were so rare and short-lived before I would become angry again.

I felt sorry for my parents too, only because all 3 of their kids turned out to be messed up.

After too many days of solitude, I decided to visit Josee.

x x x x
Saint Mary’s Cemetery was a long walk from home, but I did it anyway. I decided not to take the bus or my skateboard. I wasn’t in a hurry to get there.

Last time I went there was on Josee’s birthday and it was stressful like it always was. We used to all go visit her together, my parents, Louie, and me. That hasn’t happened for the last two years. Dad came on his own time, and Mama and Louie would visit together. I always wanted to go alone, just have it be me and Josee. It felt too crowded to have others with me.

It seemed hours before I made it and walked through the black gates. I went down the dirt path and turned up on a small hill. Josee’s grave sat on the top.

Her headstone was an upright one. I remember my parents actually arguing about whether they should include her nickname on it. Mama wanted it because it was what people mostly called her. Dad, who never called her Josee, thought it would look less formal with it. Eventually he sided with Mama, and so it said for everyone to see: Joséfina “Josee” Veronica Medina. February 15th 1989 – October 22, 2006.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and sat down in front of the grave. Every single memory of my sister came back. The good mixed in with the bad. Some I could picture clearly and others were hazy, but I could still see them.

“I found your journal,” I started, and an eerie normalcy fell on me that was overwhelming. “Louie had it this whole time. You didn’t do a good job of getting rid of it. If mom or dad had found it . . .”

For a brief moment I thought what if my parents had found out about Josee’s secret, would things have been better now? Would they have stayed together, while me and Louie got along better? Would they have disowned Josee like she thought they would?

I couldn’t dwell on that, so I kept talking. “I got something funny to tell you. So I found this magic book, right, and I tried out this love spell for fun and ‘cause I thought maybe if would make my ex-girlfriend get back with me. I know, it was dumb. But anyway, soon after I did it, Louie started acting weird. Then he kissed me so I thought, shit, it worked, but on him. But it didn’t actually, ‘cause it’s not real. The book was fake.” I rambled on about Louie’s reasons for his actions and other things that had happened. Somehow I didn’t choke up.

Soon my eyes began to burn and my vision became blurry. “You should be proud of yourself. No one but Louie found out about what you did to me. And I almost forgot it, well, not really. I just pushed it back till I couldn’t see it anymore, and all that was left were these memories of you being a good sister who decided to kill herself for no reason. What a lie that was.”

My voice caught on the last word, and everything else that came out was a jumbled mess as I tried not to cry and break my fist on her headstone. “Everything’s so f—ked up now. Did you even think about me before you hung yourself? Oh wait, you did. You did it so you wouldn’t molest me anymore. What you expect me to do afterwards? What am I supposed to do now, Josee?”

My face felt hot and I tasted salt on my lips. I wiped my face and tears covered my hand. I stared at it longingly, and then the tears came harder, faster. Everything rushed out of me and I couldn’t stop it.

What was I supposed to do now?

“I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me, for being a coward and killing yourself in front of Louie. I hate you so much.”

I don’t know how long I sat there, in the heat, crying till I thought my eyes would bleed from all the pressure. My body ached from being in the same position for so long and my head ached. Eventually the crying stopped, and all that was left were small gasps and harsh breathing.

I wiped my face on the bottom of my shirt and got up. The exhaustion dropped right through my body, and all I wanted to do was get home.

“I’m glad you’re dead.” I hadn’t realized I was thinking those words till they spilled out. The worst part was, I wasn’t really sure if I meant them or not.

But I guess none of it really mattered anymore.

I walked away from her and through the gate on the way toward home. Something nagging me at the back of my skull told me it would be a long time before I ever came back there. If I came back at all.

x x x x

When I got home I found the Grimnoire resting on the front steps of the house. A note was taped to it that simply said: Sorry for taking it. – L

I picked it up and was tempted to throw it in the garbage can. I took it inside with me instead, and decided tomorrow I would visit Kennis.
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This is the second-to-last chapter and then it's done f o r e v e r ~.
I may post the last one tonight or tomorrow :x

♥ Thank you ♥