What You Know Is True

Every year in June, this club called Munroe had a battle of the bands. In the pass it used to be all these amateur bands that crawled out of their mom’s basement. But it’s gotten better; some of the bands that have won in the past have gone on to actual radio play and major record deals.

My ex’s band was playing that night, and while I was mostly going to support a friend’s band, I wanted to see how Lotzie’s gig went. Her band’s not half bad, but it’s a little too 70’s, blues-rock for me.

Mom dropped Louie and me off just as they were letting people inside Monroe. We went in and I started fishing my way to the front. “

“Where you going?” Louie called and I told him. His shoulders sagged but he didn’t say anything. The kid liked being on the side, away from crowds. I don’t why he was so paranoid about touching people, yet he was. He must’ve seen someone he knew, because his face brightened and he jogged over to a tall guy and girl.

It was awhile before the lights dimmed and the club manager came on stage. It was the usual pep talk, how the thing worked, mosh pit courtesy, and all that. Finally he announced the first band with a raised fist.

“Alice’s Riot!”

When Lotzie and me were still dating, I gave her shit for choosing that name, It sounded like a punk or hardcore band name, and their image didn’t even match it. They dressed up like Disney band.

Lotzie walked on stage first, followed by her bandmates. She had tiny diamond beads braided into her hair that shone. She started the song on her guitar – the blue one I got for her birthday, a week after I had asked her to be my girlfriend.

I’m not bitter.

They finished their set with loud cheers from the audience, and then another band came up, called Of Zion or something. They sounded rad, but I was too busy looking for Lotzie to pay attention. I found her and the rest of the band near the bar, sweating and gushing nervousness. Lotzie grabbed the guitarist’s hand – it was a new kid, I realized, not her old band mate – and he leaned down and kissed her. Not on her cheek. On her lips.

I tried to dismiss the electric shock that shot through my chest. “Hey . . .” I stood before her, raising my hand in a pathetic wave. She let go of the dude’s hand and without hesitating, hugged me.

She began speaking but I could barely hear her over the noise. She got the point, and after telling guitar dude something, she motioned for me to follow her toward the entrance of the club. It was more closed off and less noisy.

“How you’ve been?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“Cool, I guess.” I shuffled my feet and rubbed the back of my neck. Ever since we broke up it’s been awkward talking to her. Or maybe it was just me. Lotzie looked like she could care less. “Where’s Harris?”

“He left the band,” she answered. “Too much stress with school. He says he might come back afterwards, I hope so. But we got Kevin now and he’s amazing.”

I sneered, eyebrows twitching. “I saw. So are you two . . . ?” I wanted to ask, but I knew I’d be more pissed off with her answer than if I didn’t know. I began sweating more than I did earlier. Lotzie uncrossed her arms and she looked me over, calmly.

She said, “We’ve been dating for awhile.”

A while? Hell, what happened to the “no dating your bandmates rule?” Doesn’t anyone still follow that?

Lotzie began picking at her nails, her apathy fading away to discomfort. “Dallas –“

“I miss you,” I told her, and I wanted to beat my head in when I did. I hadn’t wanted it to come off as desperate as it had. Pathetic.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“We broke up a month ago. How’d you find someone that fast?” Lotzie glared at me, nostrils widening. A headache began in the middle of my skull, and I touched my forehead as the pain traveled all over my head.

“What I do isn’t your business,” she said. “And know that he treats me better you ever had.”

I treated her well. I loved her. I know I’m a lousy person but I treated her perfectly.

I stepped away from her and leaned against the wall. My skull shattered and the pieces struck my brain.

“And that’s why we broke up, huh?” I asked.

“I’m not gonna be with someone who’s always angry and fightin’ everyone ‘cause he’s bored. You’re a kid. I don’t have time for that.” And she waltzed off, back to her boyfriend, who was probably going to make out with a groupie when she wasn’t looking.

She called me a kid.

Bitch.

I wanted to punch the wall, but instead I went to the restroom and splattered water on my face and through my hair.

My reflection sneered at me. A person would’ve thought I was buzzed off something the way I looked. My eyes were a light red and the tiny scars littered on my face seemed to be pulsing red. I touched the scar that jutted from the corner of my mouth to my chin. All these scars were from fights I don’t remember. I hated them. I already looked like a creature, the scars just made it worse. But they made me look tough, and I guess that was the only positive side to them.

It was probably why I hadn’t gotten anyone else and Lotzie had.

x x x x

I can’t tell you who won that night. I think Alice’s Riot got second place though. I can tell you Louie was smart enough not to go with those two weirdoes and was his usual, dorky self.

I never felt so glad to be back at home. I grabbed a glass of water and went to my room. After taking off my shirt and shoes I laid back on my bed. I looked at the Grimoire beside me, and a certain spell came to mind. I began flipping through it looking for it. It was childish, and I wasn’t really expecting to find it in that type of book.

Then, hell, the book actually had it. A love spell. The official title was To Bind A lost Love.

This was turning too Disney Channel-ish for my sanity. I skimmed through the requirements and it looked too simple to not try out. I stared at the page for a minute and thought, am I really that desperate? Do I have anything to lose? I’m pretty sure I’ll still have my dignity.

All the stuff I needed, my mom kept in her office. It was a business office slash herbal store and smelled like it too. Half of the items I needed she didn’t have, so I scourged for the closes substitute. I went to the garage afterwards and grabbed a piece of charcoal from the charcoal bag and hustled back to my room. It was ten minutes till 1 AM.

I sat on the floor with the book and lit 3 incenses, arranging them in a triangle around this small read candle. I waited till the ashes fell and the scent was making my head spin. Then I lit the candle put some of the ashes on the flame. It flickered slightly and I felt a slight weight settle on my shoulders.

The things the book was telling me to do felt like an aroma therapy session. Or something my mom’s therapist would tell her to do. Maybe I should do this with her as a birthday present.

I took the charcoal and grinded it onto the hardwood floor. It was 1 AM and I could hear thunder outside. Tiny needles began to prick my skin, and my muscles gained a slight ache. I kept going.

I thought of Lotzie and wasn’t sure if I felt glad or upset.

The words I had to say were hard to understand, the ink being faded, and it took several tries before I was certain I deciphered them. I said them as it began raining outside. My fingers were pure black from the charcoal and the image mystified me.

I’m not angry or violent. I never was. I never treated her badly. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get over her. I didn’t understand why people like her and Louie and Josee got everything they wanted and I’m just nobody ---

I touched the flame and it swallowed my fingers. A large thunder crashed and the lights went out. The electronics in my room whirred off. The candle and incenses smothered away. I didn’t notice the pain, or how my fingers felt slightly charred and sticky with blood. I glanced blankly in the darkness before I got up.

It was a few minutes before the power came back on. Everything spun back to life and things looked normal. But my little ritual looked like a dirt experiment, and my fingers looked infected.

I washed my hands in the bathroom till they were bright pink. I got some bandages from the cabinet and wrapped my fingers up. As I closed it I peered at my reflection in the mirror.

I was the palest I’ve ever been since I was born. My mouth shook and my pupils filled my entire eyes completely black. My breathing trembled as I wiped the drool off the corner of my mouth, and I walked back to my room.

I left the mess on the floor and went straight to bed. I fetched out my cellphone and stared at the screen, fingers absently dialing Lotzie’s number. I didn’t push send.

For a moment I wondered if it worked. If I called Lotzie what would she say?

I sounded like a child. I was one. I cussed and toss my phone to the end of my bed, What the hell was I thinking?

Nothing. I never think.