What You Know Is True

I was back there again.

Josee stood in front of me, with a deep, angry red scar around her neck. Her neck was bent oddly, but she was smiling, like it was no big deal. We didn’t say anything, only stared at each other. Josee continued to smile and I tried not to puke.

Then Louie materialized beside her, and I had a deep urge to strangle him, bend his neck out of shape.

But I woke up before I could.

x x x x

I woke up coughing and my pillow soaked in sweat. I kicked the covers off but my body was still overheated.

Morning light painted my room and I heard the sounds of birds and dogs making noises outside my window. I searched around my bed till I found my phone and checked the time. 11:30 AM. Christ.

The last images of the nightmare were beginning to fade from my mind, but the sourness it left still lingered in my mouth. I hoped it wasn’t going to be a nightly thing again like it was before. If Mama found she’d be ready to send me back to counseling again.

My body eventually relaxed, mind shifting down, and muscles loosening. I wanted to go back to sleep, but then someone knocked gently on the door. I thought it was Cynthia about to tell me breakfast ready or that I needed to get up already.

But it wasn’t her. The door slid opened and a body poked through. Louie’s hair covered half his face, and he was staring at the ground so I couldn’t read his expression. He gripped the doorknob tightly like he needed it so he could stand.

I wanted to ignore it, but last night came and hit me hard. I sat up in bed and stared at him, tried to keep the anger down.

Louie coughed and lifted his face to look at me, only to quickly glance away. His voice was scratchy as he spoke. “I-I’m sorry,” he croaked. “I didn’t mean it. It was a joke, really. Sorry.”

He was sincere. It was just a bad joke and I overreacted. I could beat him up and give him crap forever about what he did. All that would be a lie because it wasn’t sincere. Nothing about the way he acted told me he was being honest, and that freaked me out, because why wouldn’t he be?

If he wasn’t sincere that meant it wasn’t a joke.

I pushed everything far back and dryly replied, “Yeah. Sure.”

His hands let go of the doorknob. He looked at me with his mouth hanging out, and he closed it several times before he found his voice.

“I . . . Do you really hate me?”

There was that question again, hovering in my face. I challenged it and studied Louie some more. He was picking at the skin on the back of his hand like my answer meant everything.

In the end I answered, “Don’t worry about it.”

x x x x

Louie virtually didn’t exist for the rest of the day. I ignored him on the way back home. Mama nagged at us, asking what fight happened this time or Louie, honey, what’s wrong? She was gentle with him. She sighed at me like I was a nuisance.

As soon as we got home I locked myself in my room. I played my music loudly to try to hammer Nirvana into my brain. I sketched some drawings only to toss them in the trashcan. I stared at the wall, at the ceiling, outside my window. I texted Nixon but he was busy with his family. Chasha wasn’t online. There wasn’t anyone else I felt like being bothered with.

So I decided to leave and go walking in downtown Westport. I told Mama and said I’d be back soon. She was hesitant, but eventually let me go. I would’ve gone whether she said yes or not.

I walked till I came to the tea shop called Tea Falls, and ordered a frozen, almond bubble tea. I sat in the corner of the shop by the large windows and stared out them. I liked this place because it was always so calm and dangerously carefree. My body evaporated into the atmosphere, and I closed my eyes as I felt my bones crumbling.

My mind wouldn’t follow. It stayed on Louie and wouldn’t leave.

I wanted everything to feel like a stupid joke, but it felt like too much of a lie. I don’t understand what could’ve made him want to ---

“Excuse me, sir, you okay?”

I woke and an Asian girl was standing over me. The first thing I noticed was the mass of dyed, purple curls that were swallowing her face, leaving only her eyes poking through.

I sipped my drink and then smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, sorry. Guess I shouldn’t bum out here.”

She laughed and wrung the rag she held in her hands. “No, it’s fine. You just looked kind of troubled.”

“Thanks. I’m fine though.”

She nodded and walked away to clean some tables. I peeked at her and wondered if she gave good advice. What would she say I should do?

I finally got up and left Tea Falls. I was going to visit Marelle.

x x x x

I wasn’t going to actually go in, shoo; I’m not that dumb. I hung out across the street, and watched hippie kids go in and out of the store. I wondered if – Kerry? Kandace? -- knew I stole the book, if she was still sore about it. I should return the book and ask for my money back.

The door opened and Kerry-Kandace popped out, holding some type of poster.

She immediately looked over in my direction.

I turned around and pretended to be window browsing. A pair of neon green shoes was proudly displayed before me and I smiled uneasily. Why did I decide to break one of my own rules? She might recognized the back of my head.

I rubbed my arm and tried to see her reflection in the shop’s window. I could barely make out what the poster she was putting up said, something about a sale. I casually peeked over my shoulder, but she was already heading back into the store. I stared at it for awhile, before I grumbled and walked away.

I thought I was being paranoid when I felt like I could hear her mocking me, and waiting for the day when I would come running to her for help.

x x x x

It was when I got home and saw Louie in the livingroom that I decided I was fed up with everything.

Me stealing that book was crazy. Me casting that spell was crazy. Louie acting the way he was was crazy.

“Tell me the truth.” Louie jumped at my voice. He hadn’t noticed me come in, and immediately muted the TV.

“What?” he croaked. He tried straightening his shoulders like he wasn’t fazed, but the way his face paled gave him away.

“Tell me the truth,” I said again. There was always a truth, no matter what. “Don’t try to lie yourself out of this.”

His eyes hardened over, and he looked down at his lap so his hair covered his face. I wanted to chop it off, clear cut to his scalp. His hair was how he felt safe, hiding behind it, where no one could see him.

When he hadn’t said anything I rushed over and jerked his shoulder back. He swiped at me, but stopped when I held my fist arched back.

“I’ll break your nose if you don’t tell me.” The threat was somewhat childish, but it didn’t matter. Louie pulled away and stood up, shoulders arched. He breathed angrily and he kept rapidly blinking his eyes. If he was about to cry I was gonna –

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been feeling weird”

beat him ---

“I kissed you on purpose. I only ---“

till he looked like Josee in my dreams.