Fairy Lights

Voices.

So many voices...so loud...so close...

The spare room had been empty when I’d run in there. Empty, and dark, and away from everyone else. That was what I needed. Shutting the door behind me just quietly enough not to attract any attention, I sunk down against the wall, the darkness impenetrable but for the sliver of orange light that clawed its way under the door and through the keyhole.

Christmas Eve. Only three and a half hours until it was officially Christmas Day. I’d always loved Christmas; it was easily one of the best times of the year.

So why did I suddenly feel so awful?

It was his fault. It was all his fault. And now, just like that, Christmas was ruined.

Jared and I had been together for a year now, but we’d been close friends practically all our lives. And then I’d arrived at the Christmas party tonight. At first, I couldn’t find him. I assumed he was late, but after not noticing him arrive for nearly an hour I decided to go and search for him; it wasn’t like him to be so unpunctual. When I hadn’t been able to find him, I made my way outside into the frosty night where the icy air stung me, standing in my short sleeved top and thin skirt, to phone him.

And that was when I found him.

I found him with another girl. He was holding her close; same way as he used to hold me. They were standing in the corner, under the tree, so heavily wrapped up in shadows that it took me a moment to notice that they were there.

And then he looked at me, his eyes widening with shock and fear.

And then I ran.

And now I was here, in this darkened room, feeling tears knot tightly in my throat, stinging it so that I could barely even breathe. I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t let him affect me that much.

In frustration, I kicked out, and something long and scratchy coiled round my foot. Reaching out, I could feel the familiar shape.

Christmas lights. Fucking Christmas lights. How ironic. My Christmas was going to be dark this year.

Reaching out, I pulled them across me, fumbling in the corner for the switch that I knew was there. I assumed they wouldn’t work; after all, what other reason would there be for discarding a whole rope of fairy lights in the spare room on Christmas Eve, but to my surprise, they blinked into life. Vibrant, ice blue fairy lights illuminated the entire room in a pale blue glow; an almost hauntingly beautiful colour that made the small, unremarkable room look like a frozen ice palace and cast deep shadows into the corner.

In my surprise at their strange, dark beauty, I almost forgot to be sad.

But then it all came back.

I practically staggered into the wall with the force of what I had just witnessed. Why? Why was this happening? I’d done nothing wrong. I’d always been a good girlfriend, and he’d always been a good boyfriend. We scarcely even argued. And, if it had to end, then why Christmas? Not only was Christmas supposed to be a happy time of the year, but it was last Christmas that Jared had asked me out. We lived close to each other so, after we’d both eaten Christmas dinner with our families and opened presents and watched all the crappy but somehow brilliant Christmas TV, he’d come round, cheeks pink and with snowflakes in his hair. And he had asked me to be his girlfriend.

And now he’d turned all that beautiful Christmas romance completely upside down.

I stared at the floor, allowing the blue pinpricks of light that danced across the wood to enthral me and take me to some far distant ice palace; a place that existed only in dreams and fairytales.

I was jolted, rather harshly, back to reality by a sharp voice from outside.

‘Caitlin!’

I glanced up, trying to place the voice. It took me a moment to work out who it was; Steve, one of mine and Jared’s closest friends.

‘Caity? Are you up here?’

I wiped vigorously at my face. Even though I hadn’t properly cried, I had no doubt that my eyes were glassy and red-rimmed, and my hair was a dark, dishevelled bush. Hurriedly untangling myself from the web of fairy lights, I scurried off towards the door, opening it just as he called my name again.

‘Caity!’ he exclaimed, just outside the door as I opened it, looking a little surprised that he’d actually found me. ‘What you doing in there?’

Fuck. What did I tell him? Did he know?

‘Nothing,’ I mumbled, unable to quite meet his eyes. And yet, when I looked up, his face was surprisingly sincere. Steve had an amazing sense of humour and was the best person to have a party with ever, but I’d rarely seen him look so serious.

‘Jared wants to talk to you,’ he said softly, yet quickly, as though trying to get this awkward moment over with.

‘Oh, he does?’ I said sarcastically. ‘Well tell him I’m not listening.’

‘Caitlin.’ Steve never called me Caitlin. What was going on?

‘What?’ I wasn’t ready to comply. Seeing Jared with that bitch still hurt too much.

‘Jared knows you saw him out in the garden,’ Steve tried to explain. ‘But what you saw wasn’t...’

‘Wasn’t...?’ I prompted, still unwilling to listen.

‘Wasn’t what you thought it was.’

‘Oh, really?’ I said bitterly. ‘Then what the hell was it?’

‘That was Maria that he was with.’

‘I know it was Maria,’ I cried. ‘What I want to know is what he was doing with her!’

Steve took a deep breath, looking highly uncomfortable. I would hear him out, but only because I still liked him, even if I was never planning on speaking to Jared again.

‘Maria’s granddad died tonight.’

I almost staggered back with the shock of realising what Steve was saying.

‘No,’ I whispered. ‘That’s awful.’

He nodded. ‘She was closer to him than she was to her dad. But she got the phone call about it after she arrived at the party—it was really unexpected, apparently. He had a heart attack. So she ran outside; she wanted to be alone, but Jared was out there trying to phone...well, you, actually, because he’d been at the party for a bit, but he couldn’t find you, and he saw her crying, so he did what every kind gentleman would do, and went to comfort her.’

‘I...had no idea,’ I admitted feebly. That was terrible; truly terrible. ‘Poor Maria. I should go and talk to her.’

‘She’s gone home now,’ Steve said. ‘But Jared knew what you were thinking when you saw him, and so he went looking for you as soon as she left. I think he’s downstairs now, probably investigating the bathroom or something; he asked me to check up here. He’s really worried.’

‘Oh my God,’ I whispered, holding my head in my hand.

And then, a familiar voice called up the stairs.

‘Steve?’

‘I’ve got her, Jared,’ Steve called back. I heard hurried footsteps, and then Jared arrived at the top of the stairs, wide-eyed and panicked.

‘It’s not what you—‘

‘I know,’ I said calmly, holding up my hands. ‘Steve explained.’ We both took a few steps closer, and Steve edged away down the stairs awkwardly.

‘So you don’t...hate...me?’ Jared asked tentatively.

‘Of course not,’ I told him, stepping up to him.

He laughed slightly. ‘I was so worried. Merry Christmas, Caity.’

‘Merry Christmas, Jared.’