Manage Me

My alarm went off early the next morning. I groaned, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I sat up. I had slept just over six hours, which normally would have been fine, but my sunburn was hurting and my head was still swimming with unwelcome thoughts. I untangled myself from the sheets. I wandered into the kitchen, pouring myself a bowl of cereal. I was planning on picking Kade up around 10:30, which gave me just over an hour to get ready.

After finishing my meager breakfast, I covered myself in more aloe. My skin was looking a little pinker this morning, my sunburn having really set in over the night, and I wasn’t exactly thrilled to spend the next few hours out in the sun. But I was going to get to see Kade and that made everything bearable. I would walk through glass and hot coals for the rest of my life for that little boy.

I grabbed my most comfortable pair of shorts and a light long-sleeved shirt. I smiled down at the Mickey Mouse. Kade loved anything even remotely Disney related. I pulled my hair up, placing it in a low ponytail. I slipped my trusty Converse on and grabbed the rest of the supplies. With a last cursory glance around the apartment, I spotted my bags from the thrift store. Smiling, I dug out Kade’s ‘new’ shoes and play truck. I locked the door behind me and skipped to the car.

My iPod blared through the speakers, and I sang along as the wind whipped my hair around my face. Kade was running around the front yard when I pulled up. My mother eyed me with a hint of distain. I turned the car off and climbed out. Kade turned at the sight and came running towards me at full force.

“MYYYYYYYYYYYY!” I crouched down and he launched himself into my arms.

“Oh, Kade-y, Kade-y, Kade-y.” I swung him around, covering his blonde head in kisses. “I missed you, my sweet little boy.”

“I’m not little!” He declared as I rested him on my hip and made my way to my mother.

“You’re right. You’re a big boy.”

He beamed. My mother tapped her foot on the porch impatiently. I sighed shifting my gaze to her. She crossed her arms as she looked me over. I tightened my grip on Kade.

“Hello, Mother.”

“I want him back in an hour and a half.” I sighed. Kade pouted.

“No, Ma!” Kade wailed. “I wanna stay with My.”

I silently pleaded with my eyes. Kade sniffled next to me. My mom’s eyes darted quickly to his face before landing back on mine. She huffed.

“Fine. Two hours and then he is back home, Kathrine Rae.”

I nodded. Kade cheered. She carried the car seat down the walk and I followed, Kade still in my arms. I let her situate it in the back seat before setting Kade down and buckling him up. She stood back as I closed the door.

“Thanks, Mom. Really.” I pulled her in for a quick hug.

“Two hours.”

I released my mom and hurried to the driver’s seat. I turned and smiled at Kade before starting the car. I wasn’t going to let my mother ruin my day with my little boy.

“My, play Stakes are High!”

I obliged, switching my iPod to Taylor Swift. I listened for a moment to Kade singing along before joining him for the chorus.



Kade giggled in the back seat, clapping his hands. I laughed with him, watching him in the rearview mirror. I didn’t know how he had turned out to be such a happy kid with all the shit that had happened in his short life, but I thanked God every single day for it.

“Sing more, My!”

I grinned, before picking up the song again.



The song ended and Kade clapped harder. I turned the volume down when the song changed and listened to Kade’s happy chatter throughout the rest of the drive. When we pulled up at the park, Kade was itching to get out of his seat. I unbuckled him and he shot out towards the swings.

“Kade, come back here!” I called out jogging after him.

By the time I caught up he was already situated in a swing, pumping his little legs in earnest. He wasn’t moving very much, but he was trying nonetheless. My gaze softened.

“Kade, you can’t just run off like that. You scared me.”

“I’m sorry.” He said sheepishly. I sighed before breaking out into a smile. I could never stay upset with him.

“C’mon let me push you.”

Kade cheered as I grabbed the swing. He gripped the chain tightly as I pushed. He squealed as he moved higher and higher. We stayed on the swings for a while before moving to the jungle gym. I chased Kade around, playing Peter Pan and the Tick Tock Croc. I soaked in the sound of his laughter, not knowing the next time I’d be able to hear it again. I finally grabbed onto him, lifting him up before pretending to eat him.

“Yummy, yum, yum! I love eating little boys named Kade!” I said.

“No, My, don’t eat me!” He giggled. I swung him back to the ground.

“How about we go get some real food then?”

He nodded and clutched onto my hand. We made our way back to the car. As I buckled Kade in he yawned. I kept the music low as I drove to the nearest McDonald’s. I knew my mom wouldn’t be happy with me feeding him that, but Lord knows she never gave him any sort of junk food and kids should be able to have treats every now and again. He was much quieter when we pulled up and I could tell he would probably be asleep the minute we got back in the car.

I ordered him a Happy Meal, opting for apple slices and milk instead of fries and soda. He didn’t even seem to care, he was just excited he got a toy. I let him play in the play area for a while until the food arrived and then sat him down to eat. I checked my phone and noticed that we had to be back at the house in about 15 minutes. Kade’s head was drooping with each passing second so I gathered him in my arms and disposed of the trash.

Kade was fast asleep when I parked in front of my mom’s house. I gently unbuckled him and he snuggled into my neck as I lifted him out of the car. I left the door open, I’d have to come back for the car seat anyway, and made my way up the porch steps. The door was unlocked, but I didn’t have to worry about opening it seeing as my mother was already standing there. She outstretched her arms, but I didn’t hand him over.

“I’ve got him, Mom. Could you get the car seat?”

She pursed her lips and nodded tightly. I stepped inside the house and made my way down the hallway into the room that used to be mine. My mom hadn’t changed much. The pictures had been removed from the walls, but the sheets on the bed were still sunshine yellow and stars still glowed on the ceiling. I placed Kade down, removing his shoes, and tucked the blankets around him. I kissed his forehead, trying not to cry. My mother’s footsteps sound in the entryway, so I left the room, shutting the door behind me.

“At least you’re better at following rules now, Kathrine.” She said as I met her at the door. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

“Thank you for letting me take him out.” She simply nodded at me. “Look, Mom, I’m not the same as I used to be, okay? I give you money for Kade, I have a job, I’m not doing drugs anymore. I think it’s only fair that you stop treating me like I’m still 17. I made mistakes, but I’m better now, and he’s my son. I deserve to see him.”

“You are 20-years-old, Kathrine Rae. You’ve been fired from said job three different times in the past three months. You live in a shit hole of an apartment. You are not ready for this responsibility, and frankly, you’re lucky I never took you to court to get full custody of him.”

“You promised me, Mom! You said if I got my shit together, I could have him back. Well, I am pulled together. I was fired for bullshit reasons and you know that. If you think I actually wanted that to happen you’re insane. The only reason I live there is because I can deal with it and its cheap. If you told me right now I could have him, I would be out there faster than you could pack his things. So don’t you dare act like I’m not trying.” I was close to tears at this point.

“This conversation is over. You’re not getting him back until I say so, and that’s final. Get out of my house.”

I nearly slapped her. She glared at me and I stomped out of the house. I made it to my car before breaking down completely. I let myself really cry it out for a few minutes before noticing that it was time for me to go to work. I wanted nothing more than to blow it off and go home to cry some more, but if I wanted to prove to my mother that I deserved to have my son back I needed to keep this job. So I wiped the tears from my eyes and drove off.