Photographs of Graves

So that was the end of our fling. I had a two o'clock German lab that I got ready for, and after enough times of telling myself that Graves didn't know what he was saying and he was just speaking words to keep me around I began to believe it. And besides, even if he had thought he was genuine at the time it was too late now: I had this magical way of fucking things up that even the man most destined for me would cringe at.

It was too easy.

I'd known him for two days.

The whole “love at first sight” concept was bullshit.

After my German lab at two and French class at five I introduced another beverage to my system besides coffee: A couple of ice, cool, loving Mike's, finished off by friend's glass of Oberon. I was a notorious lightweight and three alcoholic beverages had me drunk off my ass. Quarantined in my dorm room I sat through the night, giggling and sobbing in equal proportions before falling asleep next to the toilet. I don't remember much of that night besides that I was absolutely pathetic, and the next morning when Graves came to bid adieu to my journalism class I was still in the bathroom blowing chunks and overall experiencing an absolutely wicked hangover. Zoe proved her greatness, though, and sat with me the whole time and held my hair back. When I could stand more than a whisper she turned on the Prince of Egypt soundtrack by Disney and began dancing around the room to it. She made me laugh when I felt like I was going to blow my brains out. She was good at that.

Most people probably won't understand why I did what I did: Why I obliterated my chances with some guy from heaven just after we got to the good part. Honestly it's because I don't believe in heaven. Graves might have called me his angel, but in truth if there was a heaven it's not the place I was going to end up. Call me a sinner. Call me a cynic. I don't mind.

I never gave Graves my phone number. I realized that somewhere in the midst of puking and squinting away from the light like some burrowing animal, like a mole or a ROUS. (That was a Princess Bride reference for those of you who aren't versed in badly timed movie references.) It was too late now, so I stayed locked in my room until absolutely necessary to leave: Pesky things like hunger and school got in the way of my decent into isolation, forcing me to come out of my hole. But when eight o'clock that night rolled around and I knew that Graves was on his way to another campus I reemerged in the world.

“That was really pathetic,” Zoe hit me over the back of the head once I showed up in the dining hall. My brains sloshed around like a knocked over carton of milk, throbbing like a beating drum. I grumbled something about needing space and took a seat to eat my food. It was of the comfort variety, things like mac n' cheese and fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I'd save the salad bar for another day.

Zoe stuck around with me for who knows why over the next couple days. I think she even took sabbatical from her sex life to make sure I bucked up. I felt like shit, but the constant stream of Disney music pulled me out of my slump. The day after I even walked in after my French lab to her blasting the Circle of Life, holding a giant jar of pickles up in the air like baby Simba. Neither of us could stop laughing for a while.

Did I feel guilty for what I did to Graves? Fuck yes. But I moved on, although it was that new “what if” factor that haunted me late at night. Luckily with midterms closing in time to think about those nagging “what ifs” came to an end: And, in the final weeks before midterms, Zoe took it upon herself to drag me with her to a frat party. Once I had enough alcohol in my system to pretend it was fun I even ended up talking to a guy. Who knew?

I kissed him before the night was out. I wish I could remember his name.

Holiday break came and went. It was good to see my dogs and dad again, although the whole family wasn't there because my little brother and stepmum were out on a ski trip in the Appellations. I didn't tell dad about Graves. I didn't feel it was important. I spent most of my time either on the computer or playing with Cerberus, my bear of a husky, and Sky, the white husky that was small enough for Cerberus to eat whole. I started talking to a cute bartender while I was home, and we promised to stay in contact when I went to school. He was twenty-one with brown eyes and a nice smile. By the time break was over I felt as though I'd successfully banished Graves from my mind.

I came back to the second semester of journalism for second years, this time at noon instead of eight AM. My professor was going through papers, and smiled when I walked through the door.

“Ms. Murphy,” my professor greeted with a nod. “A message came for you while you were away, congratulations in advance.”

I looked at my professor quizzically but they just nodded at the place I usually sit. I went to sit down and found an envelope on my desk. I picked it up, and suddenly the air in the room had been sucked out through a vacuum.

“To: Ms. Arden Murphy,
An offer from Morrow & Sons.”