Memories That Fade Like Photographs

After Alex and I broke up, things started to get better. Not completely but it was getting there. We weren’t on speaking terms but for the sake of our friends we had to deal with being around each other. Besides it’s not like we can hide from each other forever.

The only thing that made our presence awkward was when he continuesly stared at me. His expression was sad and hopeless and as much as I wanted to cave on the inside, I kept a strong font on the outside.

During the hard times between me and Alex, Jack was always there for me. After the night we slept together we actually went back to our old ways. Always flirting, always joking around. Thankfully, everyone thought it was normal for us, but none of them ever saw the quick kisses he’d give me. It felt natural, but it still made me feel bad because of Alex. I shouldn’t, but I do.

Besides everything that has been going on, tonight the boys were having a gig at the same restaurant from the first time I saw them play. At first I wasn’t sure on going, but I haven’t stopped watching them since the break up, so why would I stop now?

Kara drove us to the venue and when we got there; they had a ton more fans than before. I was proud of them but getting really annoyed with the girls flaunting about the boys on how incredibly sexy they were or how much they wanted to have sex with them… whores.

We went backstage before going into the crowd. We hugged and wished the guys good luck. Obviously I didn’t hug Alex, but he looked different. He looked excited but he also looked nervous, and once again his eyes kept glancing at me.

Kara and I went back into the crowd after we said we’ll see them afterwards. The girls that were in the front looked at us in awe as we walked on the stage, probably for an odd reason I haven’t heard yet, but we used it to our advantage and told them to scoot back for us. They did, but then they asked how we know the guys and if they could get us their autographs.

“We fuck them every time they have a home show, and no you can’t have an autograph. Enjoy the show.” I smiled and turned around.

Kara gave me a questioning look but I shook it off, not wanting to explain. I just didn’t want to be bugged about this. They’d probably start asking personal questions.

The concert started as quickly as it was about to end. The boys had two more songs to play before their set was over. Alex stood in front of the microphone and looked over the crowd before looking at me with that nervous, but hopeful glint in his eyes. The he started to speak to the crowd.

“Alright guys, this is a new song called Running From Lions. I wrote it due to personal issues, but it all just came together and now we’re ready to preform it,” he said that as he glanced at me.

“Please tell me he is not going to do this now.” Kara said under her breath. I gave her a confused look but still listened to the rest of Alex’s speech.

“But this song goes out to those who felt like they’ve done something so bad and they just want to take it back. It also goes out to the person I had hurt and I want them to know I’m so fucking sorry for everything.” He said and then started strumming the intro.

Then the vocals came in.

“Get me out of this place, before I cause more damage, a small price to pay for building houses out of match sticks; and when things get too hot, you’ve got me to blame for, every fire that breaks out in every lover’s name…”

I sucked in a breath when I realized what he was saying. He basically just wrote his wrong doing into a song? Is this his apology? Is this just a way to win me back?

“Don’t forget, we’ve got unfinished business, stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold, and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness, keeps me wanting, keeps me wanting more…”

Is what he’s singing true? He can write it into a song, but he can’t speak the truth without his excuses? This is exactly what I want to hear him say, but I still can’t forgive him. I refuse to let him back in after fucking up so damn much.

“Sell me out I’m yesterday’s old news, phrases left on paper, black ink bleeding through the pages where we made our history. Call me foolish, I feel hopeless…”

Right now I’m already crying but Alex has his eyes closed and is singing his heart out on stage. I want to take him back, but I still need time to think. I don’t want to get hurt again.

“Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake (Like a deer in the headlights…) Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake (I won’t know what hit me…) Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake (Like a deer in the headlights…) Running from lions, never felt like such a mistake (I won’t know what hit me…)”

Alex looks at me and finally sees what I’m going through. At least now I know what he’s going through.

“Don’t forget, we’ve got unfinished business, stones yet to unfold tales that must be retold, and I regret not knowing when to put an end to all this madness, keeps me wanting, keeps me wanting more…”

The fans around us cheered for the boys as the song finished. They all had smiles growing, but Alex didn’t. His eyes were locked with mine and I didn’t care that he was seeing me silently cry because as much as I loved the song and I love how he finally told me, I was still upset and I’m still not sure of anything.

He looked away from me and sighed. The he turned to the guys and said something. Jack’s eyes went wide and was protesting about whatever it was but caved with Alex’s puppy face. Oddly, he gave me an apologetic look as the beginning to a familiar song started playing.

“We’ll finish off with Always by Blink tonight. This one is for you, Lucy.”

Then Alex started singing and the tears started falling faster. It was getting hotter suddenly. My chest was hurting and my head was pounding. Every look he glanced at me made me want to scream at him. I couldn’t take it. The song was over and the set was done, but the only thing on my mind was getting home and away from here.

I went through the back exit and took a big gulp of fresh air. I was still crying, but I didn’t feel like I was being suffocated anymore. I also didn’t hear the footsteps that were chasing after me until he took my hand and turned me around to face him.

“Lucy, please, I’m sorry.” He said

I shook my head, “It’s a little late to be sorry, Alex.”

I pulled my hand out of his and quickly walked away, but it was not helping because he kept following me.

“Lucy! Lucy, wait! Lucy will you”- he started to say, but I was so frustrated that I snapped.

“What Alex?! What do you want from me?”

“I just want you to forgive me! I’m sorry, okay. Do you not see that?! I tell you all the damn time. Yet you completely ignore it and avoid me like the black fucking plague. I go to your house and the only excuse Katherine tells me is that you’re never there or you’re always asleep. Why won’t you just talk to me?”

“Maybe if you stopped than this wouldn’t be happening. All I need is time to think and I have yet to do so because it’s always going to end up with me crying by the end of the night.”

“If you’d at least tell me you need time then I would have given it to you! Why do you keep running?”

“I’m not running.” I glared at him.

“Really, because you bolting out of the restaurant wasn’t running?” he said matter-of-factly.

“What did you expect?!” I yelled, “You dedicated two songs to me. One about how you feel of this situation and my favorite song! I felt like I was suffocating in there!”

He didn’t answer. He just looked at the ground.

I sighed, “I really want to forgive you, Lex, but you’re making it so much harder.”

“Lucy, please just tell me what I need to do!” he cried.

I shook my head as a new set of tears fell. Taking a few steps away I said, “I’m going home now, Alex.”

When I turned around and walked a couple steps away from him I could feel the pain breaking in not only my heart, but his to.

“I don’t understand what I did so terrible to make you treat me like this!” he frustratingly cried. I could even picture him pulling at his hair.

But after him saying that a new set of hot tears fell and my fist clenched. I was hurt and sad, but now all the sudden angry by his stupidity. He did something that would definitely be considered the lowest of a cheater. I turned on my heel to face him and glared.

“How do you not understand? You were my everything, Alex! You made me so much happier after what happened to my parents. You helped me let go. Then when I was at my happiest you tore me back down. My best friend, Alex! You slept with my best friend! Now thanks to you I lost her to. All the trust you were given from me is completely gone. If you’re so sure that I’ll forgive you, stop right now because there’s no way I could ever trust you ever again.”

I walked away but again he kept coming back. Badgering me about forgiving him and everything he could do in this moment.

“Why do you keep up with your persistence of trying to get me back? You’re only hurting me more! Do you like seeing me cry, Alex?” I yelled at him.

He shook his head, his own tears falling from his eyes, “Because I love you, Lucy! I want you to know that I love you and that me sleeping with Brooke meant nothing. It was and always will be a mistake!”

I shook my head. I couldn’t take this pain anymore. Everything he said was an excuse. I just want to hear him tell me what he wants and what he needs. I don’t want to be fed these excuses. I know he loves me, but I can’t say it back. I love him so much that it’s killing me inside. I wouldn’t give in because then he knows that he’s won.

I looked him in the eyes with my broken heart pouring out. He needs to know the truth, but I wouldn’t let him. I can’t let him know that I still love him.

“It’s too late Alex.” I choked, “Because you lost my love the moment you broke my heart.” And with that I was gone. I walked down the steets hoping to get home somehow. As I made it to some random stop, Kara called me.

“Hello?” I said, maybe a bit too broken in my voice.

“Lucy! Where are you? Is everything alright?” she worried.

A car pulled up in front of me and the person rolled down their window only to reveal Lisa. She told me to get in and I did.

“I’m fine, Kara. Don’t worry, I got a ride from a friend.”

“Who?”

“Just someone in my Calculus class. I got to go though.” I said quickly.

“Alright, text me when you get home. Night.”

“Night.” I said as I hung up.

Lisa pulled up to some café and turned off the ignition. We sat their quietly before I turned to her and thanked her. She nodded her head and sighed before getting out of the car. I followed her out and into the café.

“Do you want anything?” she offered.

“Uh, just a small chi latte.” I said.

She nodded her head and ordered for me, getting a medium vanilla iced coffee for herself and a snicker doodle muffin for us to share. We sat down at a table and it was quiet again.

I awkwardly started to talk.

“I’ll, uh, pay you back when I see you at school.”

She shook her head, “It’s cool. I owe you anyway.”

“For what?”

She sighed, “For making me open my eyes.”

“Oh…” I said.

She smiled softly, “You’re probably wondering why I’m being nice all the sudden.”

“Yeah, but I’m also scared you might kill me and dump me in a ditch.” I said seriously, but we both knew I was joking… sort of.

She laughed, “No, I’m not doing that. I actually wanted to talk to you about Alex.”

“Look Lisa, please don’t get involved”- she cut me off knowing that it was too late.

“I’ve been involved since day one. I want you to know that you’re honestly perfect for Alex. I know he cheated on you, the whole school does, but I know how he feels. I’ve been at your point before.”

“What?” I asked confused.

She sighed, “I cheated on Alex, yes. But I was never like this before. I had a boyfriend before him and everything was perfect until we hit rock bottom. He cheated on me several times and I kept taking him back. Soon I met another guy and he made me feel so great. He didn’t know about my current boyfriend but eventually he did and then I was the cheater and not the cheated.”

“So you’re telling me I shouldn’t take Alex back?”

“No, I’m not telling you either. That’s your decision, but I will tell you that Alex is honestly the best person you’ll ever meet. Now that I’m done with the whole slut phase, I realized what I’ve lost. He was trying to change me, but somewhere in me was telling me that he wasn’t enough and that I wasn’t enough. When you came along I saw how happy you made him, but I didn’t want to lose him. Eventually I did, and I lost Kara too. Did you know that Kara and me grew up with each other? She was my best friend.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I was the one who introduced her to Rian. We started fighting once she realized what I was doing to Alex. It hurt when she said that the day at the beach, that I was never their friends to begin with. It felt like”-

“All you knew was being torn down.” I said with her. She smiled sadly at me and nodded her head.

“I’m sorry for everything that’s happening. Alex was out of line for what he did and you honestly don’t deserve that. I heard you two fighting in the parking lot. And he’s honestly sorry for everything, but why won’t you take him back?”

I sighed, “It’s not like I don’t want to. It’s just that I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt again. How am I supposed to know that he won’t do it again? I know it wasn’t entirely his fault, but it still hurts. He was my everything and he just threw it away for a sloppy one night stand with my ex-best friend.”

She nodded, “You’ll figure it out soon. I know you will.”

“Thank you, Lisa.” I smiled.

“You’re welcome and I’m sorry for interfering with Alex and your relationship, in the beginning.”

I nodded and looked down at my drink.

“I forgive you.” I said quietly and then looked up at her.

She smiled, “So friends?”

“Friends.” I nodded.

She laughed, “Well, I guess secret friends. I don’t think you’ll want any of them to find out you’re okay with their enemy.”

I rolled my eyes, “They can all kiss my ass when they find out, but the only one I probably will tell is Jack.”

Lisa smirked, “Mr. Barakat and you look like you’ve gotten close.”

I could feel the heat rise up in my cheeks, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Please, it’s not hard to see you two stealing kisses in the middle of the hall when everyone is looking the opposite direction. Are you two dating or something?”

I shook my head. There was no point in lying to her, she already knew.

“No, he’s been there for me since the night of the party. And we sort of hooked up that night, but we were both drunk, horny, and sad. So, we both agreed not to tell anyone and agreed that it will never happen again.”

“So neither of you two said that it was a mistake.”

I shrugged, “I mean, I feel guilty because no one besides him, me, and now you know. Plus, it was right after I had found out about Alex, but it wasn’t a mistake. Jack’s one of my best friends and in the beginning, if it weren’t Alex it would have definitely been Jack.”

“Jack is a great guy too. Honestly, I ship you guys but you’re meant to be with Alex.”

I rolled my eyes, “Well, for now on I guess we’ll just see how things go. I know for sure that Jack and I won’t be moving any further with each other.”

“Whatever you say.” She smiled.

I laughed and we continued on with our conversation. Lisa really wasn’t that bad of a person. Things between her and I weren’t so pretty when I first met her, but learning more about her she’s honestly a sweet and caring girl. Sure she puts up that bitch front to her, but if you ever become friends with her that wall breaks down. Alex was the one that started it, but he did it because he thought he could change her. She didn’t want to be changed.

It was fully taken down by me. I put the light in her eyes and in her words I literally knocked some sense into her.

If things were different in the beginning I know we would have been great friends by now. But if they were different, she’d have Alex and I’d have no one. Him and I wouldn't be having these problems that are causing a pain in our relationship. Well, the relationship that is no more.

Maybe this is a sign? I’m not sure yet, but I hope so soon.

Maybe change is better for everyone.