Memories That Fade Like Photographs

“Come on, Lucy. The worst that could happen is someone dying, and that isn’t happening anytime soon. I promise you that. Now, suck it up because they’re all coming over. That includes Alex.” Jack stated to me.

It was the day after prom and all I wanted to be doing right now is to be far away from here. Not that I don’t like it, but because I just need… I need to breathe. To make everyone feel like they did before I moved here. I’ve fucked a lot of things up lately, and the best thing that came to mind was to pack up and leave. I told Jack and Lisa my plans. To get on a plane and leave Baltimore the night of prom, but neither of them would have it, especially Jack. He’s the one that convinced me to stay.

But not for long. I booked a red eye flight at 1 o’clock in the morning. The only person that knows about me leaving is Jack, as well as Aunt Katherine, since I’ll be meeting up with her, to where I’m leaving to. Jack’s driving me to the airport, and as much as he wants to know where I’m going, I won’t tell him because I’m sure after everyone knows someone will try to find me.

It was scary to think that I’m leaving everything behind, but it’s what I need. I need this, my friends need this… Alex, he needs this. We can’t be suffocating each other anymore, but what’s done is done. Last night, I told Alex my feelings and he told me his. It doesn’t change anything though because once I’m gone, he’ll have that space to fly and reach his dreams. I know it will.

“Lucy, hello? Earth to Lucy?” Kara said while waving her hand in my face.

“Huh? What?” I said, confused.

“I asked you if you wanted to help me make breakfast. It’s early, and I really don’t understand why we’re here this early, but Jack insisted on this.”

“Oh, yeah. I didn’t even know everyone was here. Let’s make some breakfast though. I’m sure the guys are hungry.”

She nodded, “Of course they are. Zack is actually talking, so you know he wants food.”

“A hungry Zack, is a talkative Zack.” I smiled.

We walked into the kitchen where all the guys were hanging out. They were talking animatedly about band stuff but I just wanted to get this breakfast thing over with. I’m tired, hungry, and… I don’t know, there’s another feeling but I can’t quite place it.

“If you have a penis, you need to leave the kitchen or else you can leave my home and find your own damn breakfast!” I yelled out loud.

Suddenly, it got super quiet and the boys rushed out of the room. Kara and I laughed and started working on breakfast. We made chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, hash browns, and eggs for everyone. We probably made enough food to last a week, but with the way these boys eat, it’ll be gone in seconds. Before Kara and I called the boys in, we made our own plates before setting the food on the table for them.

“Breakfast is ready!” Kara yelled into the living room. You could hear the boys wrestling their way to the kitchen.

As everything settled down and the boys seated themselves, we all ate in silence. I stared at my food thinking about what I’d be missing. My friendships with everyone, my family, everything is going to change. I’m sure if I stayed, Alex and I would become friends again, but that’s only if we move on from each other. Last night, after I kissed him, I knew then and there that I would stay if he asked me to, but he doesn’t even know I’m leaving. I’m not even sure if I have the guts to tell him or anyone else. It took me forever to tell Jack and Lisa.

“Hey Lucy, are you okay?” Matt asked me from across the table. I looked up and noticed that they were all staring at me with concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why do you ask?”

“Well, you haven’t even touched your food and we all said thank you, but you never flinched or said anything back to us.”

“Oh, sorry, just had a long night. You’re welcome, though.”

“Long night, I thought you left Prom early?” Rian asked.

“Jack probably kept her up.” Zack mumbled with a smirk. He probably meant to keep it to himself, but my jaw still dropped and Jack threw the piece of bacon he was about to eat right at his face.

“Shut up, Zack.” Jack said as he blushed. I closed my mouth and felt my face heat up to. This is too embarrassing.

“Neither of them are denying it. Oh, my god, you two did do it!” Kara yelled happily.

“What?” I said. Now I’m confused. We didn’t do anything like that at all, last night. We fought about if I should leave last night or early tomorrow. They’ve got this whole situation running down a whole different path.

“You and Jack had sex!” she accused us both.

Jack started choking on his drink and my eyes widened at her words.

“We did not! Jack and I have no physical relationship like that at all! Yes, we have a relationship, but there is no sexual relationship going on between us… at all.”

“Come on, there’s gotta be something. Have there been any times where you two were at least close to having sex?” Zack added in.

“We’re not having this discussion.” I said quickly.

“But it’s a need to know thing.” Kara whined.

“Kara, shut up! Whatever goes on between me and Lucy is none of yours, Zack’s or anyone's business. If we want you to know, we’ll tell you, and the only thing you guys need to know is that we haven’t had sex.” Jack stated in frustration. We knew we were both lying through our teeth, but they didn’t know that. And we didn’t need for them to know any of it.

“You two are boring.” Kara pouted.

“I’d rather be boring than have to explain our sex life.” I mumbled as I left the dining room to the kitchen.

I started to clean up the counters and do this dishes and when everyone came in one at a time, they all started to leave. The only person that stayed was Alex, he and Jack went downstairs to go mess around with the guitars. Once I was finished cleaning the counters, I turned around and saw Jack watching me with admiration.

“What?” I asked with a smile.

He shook his head, “Nothing, it’s just me and my crazy scenarios.”

“Well tell me, you obviously had one of me.” I said as I closed the dishwasher and turned around with my arms crossed.

“Fine… I was just imagining you when we’re older. I can just picture you being this amazing wife with a wonderful family,” Jack said as he took a few steps to stand in front of me. He placed one hand on my hip and the other one caressed my cheek. I looked up into his eyes and saw how much he really did care for me. Jack is a great guy and I don’t deserve the love he has for me. “The guy you marry will be proud to have you. I know that because you already make me feel that way.”

“I love you, Jack.”

“I love you too, Lucy. I’ll pick you up later to drive you to the airport.”

“Okay, just don’t be late.”

“I won’t, I promise. You’ll be okay if I leave you here with Alex?”

I nodded, “Yeah, we’ll be fine.”

“Call me if you need anything.” He said and I nodded before he leaned down and kissed me. Though it wasn’t even a long kiss, there was an awkward cough coming from Alex, who had just walked into the room. We pulled away with a blush on our face and Jack said goodbye once more before he officially left. When the front door shut Alex suddenly asked, “So, you and Jack?”

I nodded my head, but we both knew I was lying. We stood there in silence and before things started to become awkward I asked, “Do you want to go to the park?”

He nodded his head and we both put on our jackets and shoes. We made our way out the door and towards the park. We were silent on the way there but we became a lot more comfortable with each other as we got closer to the park.

“You know, when I first met Jack, we hated each other.” He smiled.

“You’re kidding? Why did you hate each other?”

“He thought my eyebrows were bigger than his.”

“You two are ridiculous.” I laughed.

Alex smiled, “It’s nice to hear you laugh again.”

“It’s nice to see your smile again.”

As our conversation went on, we became more playful with each other. I felt like a little kid again. We were laughing, chasing each other around the park, but eventually we ended up on the swings. We talked about how prom was after I left, and he told me about the boys getting signed with Hopeless Records. I was proud of them, the really did reach their dreams. I even told Alex about Aunt Katherine and Robert’s relationship.

“You’re joking, right?” he asked.

“Not at all. Rian, Chase and I even asked them if there was a possible wedding in the future and they said probably not for a few years.”

“Why in a few years?”

“Chase is finishing up college, Rian was set on going to college if the band didn’t go anywhere, and I was planning on going to college.”

“You’re going to college?” he asked.

I nodded, “Yeah, I mean I have my dad’s company and I could always join my Aunt’s with the hotel’s but I still want to go.”

“That’s good though, I can’t see me going to college, but if I did I’d major in Business and minor in English.”

I smiled, “I can see you as an English teacher, but you’re better off being a musician.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Alex paused, “I bet you I can go higher.”

I scoffed, “I bet you can’t.”

We started to push back on our feet and on the count of three we let go, pushing our feet back and forth to get higher each time.When we released our feet we were moving at the same time but as we got higher we started splitting apart. I remember when I was younger I thought if you were together you were married and if you started splitting up you’re divorced. It was a silly thing to think, but it was my childhood. I also remembered playing traffic, where you’d run through to see if you could make it before either person on the swing was made it back to center. Again, that one probably was stupid, but it was the perks of your childhood. Then I thought back to the last time Alex and I played this game. We were both happy, and laughing, exactly like we were now. I felt like I could reach for the sky. Almost as if I were flying.

Like last time, we couldn’t determine who was going the highest, so when we both started swinging at the same pace again we counted down to three and jumped off the swing. When we hit the ground and tumbled forward, I landed on my back and Alex leaned on his stomach, then he started to hover above me.

I smiled, “Thank you, Alex.”

“For what?” he questioned.

“I don’t know, I just missed this.”

“I missed it too. I missed you…I missed us.”

I nodded my head and kept quiet, Alex’s face then went to all smiles to seriousness, just like last time. Except last time he looked at me with adoration and now he’s looking at me with sadness.

Finally, he spoke.

“I regret losing you, Lucy.”

I closed my eyes. I knew exactly how he felt. I nodded my head and replied, “I regret losing you.”

“I never stopped loving you either.” He whispered as his face came closer to mine.

When he was close enough, I reached up and kissed him softly and sweetly. I want to say it back, but right now just isn’t the time.

When I pulled away I whispered, “We should start heading back. It’s getting dark.”

He nodded his head, and I knew he didn’t like the answer I gave him. Probably because I didn’t give him one.

The walk back to my place was quiet, but once we got there, we settled in my room and decided on watching a movie. About halfway through the movie I noticed that Alex wasn’t really watching it and I was only staring at it absentmindedly. So, I decided to just turn the movie and my TV off completely. I turned to Alex and we both stared at each other, thinking about what we should do next.

I loved Alex, with ever fiber of my being. His hair, his eyes, his smile, his goofy laugh. All of it, including how he moves his body like a giddy girl when he’s either hiding something exciting. It’s just how he is, how he can be a completely normal human being because he’s himself. He doesn’t have to be here to show people who he is, but he’s here because he wants to let everyone know that he’s not afraid to do and be what he wants. Alex, is my role model, but he’s also the love of my life. We’ve been through hell, and all I want to do is make up for everything and show him that I really do love him.

So, at the same time we leaned in and kissed each other. It was gentle and soft but I could feel the electricity flow through my body. Alex leaned further in, where he was now laying on top of me. The kiss intensified but it was a hungry kiss, neither of us were dying for attention. It wasn’t lust, it wasn’t a craving. It was… passionate.

It felt like every time our bodies moved it was an explanation of our love. We rolled around, and discarded our clothing and from then on it was just us. No drama, no friends, no family. It was just us. We were there with each other and I felt even closer to him than I could ever be.

After it was all over we cuddled underneath the covers of my bed. Alex’s arms were wrapped around my bare torso and I held his hand with mine. He started to kiss my neck and then I felt him smile and laugh quietly to himself.

Then he said, “I love you so much, Lucy.”

I smiled sadly, but I was glad he couldn’t see.

I still answered him though, “I love you too, Alex.”

He sighed in contempt, probably relieved that I finally said it back since Prom. I couldn’t hide it from him, I know he knows what my feelings are towards him, but now thinking about it, the fact that I’m leaving in the matter of four hours makes this situation even worse.

I blocked the thoughts out of my head and enjoyed the time we were sharing. I moved my body closer to his and he held me tighter. And with his tired voice he said, “I’ll never let you go again. I promise.” And then we started to fall asleep.

About an hour and a half later though I woke up and started to make myself ready to leave. I took a quick shower and did everything I could to keep Alex from waking up. I didn’t need him to ask what I was doing.

With the spare time I had left, I wrote Alex and everyone else a letter, explaining why I was leaving. When I looked at my phone I got a message from Jack telling me he’s outside. So, I quickly placed my last letter in the envelope, and put them on the spot next to Alex, where I was last laying. After doing that I pulled my journal out from the drawer at my desk, and grabbed the ‘A’ necklace that Alex gave me for Christmas and place them next to the letters. The one thing I hoped from everyone, including Alex was for them not to hate me, or forget about me.

I walked over to Alex’s side of the bed and stared at him as he slept peacefully, we’ve been through a lot together and I feel like I fucked up things even more now that I’m leaving him here after we just had sex. I’m such a bitch, why would I do this to him again.

I wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes and sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. I kissed Alex on the forehead, knowing that he wouldn’t wake from a soft gesture. I left my room and didn’t dare to give it one last look, in fear that if I saw the boy of my dreams sleeping, I might run back.

When I met Jack at the front door he grabbed my bags and helped me load them into his car. Before we left my driveway, Jack turned to me with a sad look and asked, “Are you sure you want to go through with this?”

I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes while releasing the air out. I then replied with my eyes shut and nodded, “Yes,” I opened my eyes and looked over at him to let him know I wasn’t lying, “I just want to leave,” Then I looked out the passenger window and mumbled, “The sooner, the better.”

Jack started to pull out of my driveway and started heading towards the airport. He held his hand over the center counsel and I put my hand in his. I sighed knowing that I could be making the worst decision of my life. I can’t turn back now though, I’m far too late. Jack brought my hand up to his lips and kissed it gently and gave my hand a tight squeeze before settling our hands back over the counsel.

I’m glad I had Jack here with me though. He made me feel open to anything and that I could do almost whatever I want. I could be the little kid again with him, but also have serious moments and kindhearted moments like this.

I’m also glad that he didn't ask how Alex and I were when everyone was gone, I’m sure Alex, would end up telling them all eventually.

Once at the airport, Jack and I had a small conversation before we kissed each other goodbye and I had to sadly walk off. I kept my head high though, because I knew if I showed any sign of weakness, Jack would convince me to stay once more. I didn’t even let him come into the airport with me, I couldn’t let him know where I was going. That was the point of me leaving though. To leave without any knowledge of where I ran off too. I’m not even sure if I’m going to stay where I was headed to. At least, not for the rest of my life.

I was going to fly out to Paris, to meet up with my Aunt and discuss everything with her. We had already talked to my teachers and I was now being home school over the internet, that way I can finish my year and receive my diploma even though I wouldn’t be walking down with the rest of my class.

I was also flying out there to discuss with my Aunt about where we should place the new hotel. I was given the option of either being the owner of it, or to chose whatever hotel to live and run.

It was a big step to my future but also a big push from my past and as I sit in my seat and stare out the window. I knew that what I was doing was for me. Sure, I’m running away from my problems, but I’m doing it for me because it’s the way I’ve always dealt with things. Now, all I have left of Baltimore is the memory and the photographs, but soon those will fade away too.