Memories That Fade Like Photographs

Alex-

I woke up the next morning and turned to wrap Lucy in my arms, but when all I felt was the empty space next to me I shot up and found that I was alone. Lucy wasn’t in the spot she laid the night before. Instead, there were letters, her journal, and the ‘A’ necklace I had given her for Christmas.

I looked through the letters and saw one made out to everyone. The one that had my name on it made me want to cry and hope this was all a dream. I slowly unfolded the letter and read what was inside. With every word written, it broke me down more and more. I read it so many times that I could probably remember it by heart.

Lucy, was gone and it was too late to get her back. She left me and everyone behind. I couldn’t help but feel my heart shatter even more than it did before. I thought yesterday was it, the day that I had won her back, but I was wrong. So, terribly wrong.

Getting out of her bed, I got dressed as quickly as I could. I took the necklace and shoved it in my pocket and took the other letters and her journal along with me as I rushed towards Rian’s house. Someone has to know something. I know someone knows where she went.
I walked right into Rian’s house, finding that he was wide awake and was seated on his couch watching television like nothing bad had happened, except when he saw the pained expression on my face he knew something was wrong.

“What happened?” he panicked, already knowing it had to do with Lucy. All the anger just flew into my blood system and I threw all the letters in front of him, including mine. Rian looked at them questioningly and picked up his own. He began to read it and as time passed, you could see how much Rian wanted to cry.

“Do you know where she would go?” I asked with hope.

Rian set down his letter and pulled at his hair in frustration. He probably felt like some of this was his fault, but I knew this was all mine. No one ever pushed her as much as I did.

He shook his head, “No, I don’t. Have you tried calling her?”

I shook my head no and he pulled out his phone to dial her number. He turned it on speaker so we could both hear.

“We’re sorry, the number you have dialed does not exist”- Rian hung up his phone and kept calling over and over again, but each time, we both came up with the same message. This is when Rian finally broke. He started to cry and kept calling her number and then started yelling.

“Dammit, Lucy! Why? Pick up your goddamn phone and tell me this is just a joke!” he cried. I’ve never seen Rian so broken. He cared so much for her and felt the need to protect her, but he looked like he had just lost something that meant so much to him. We all did.

Rian’s dad rushed down the stairs to see what was going on and when he saw the state of his son and me with a broken feature, watching one of my best friends being crushed he went to comfort us both.

“Rian calm down. It’ll be alright. Lucy is okay.” he said as he took his son’s phone and set it down. Robert hugged his son to show some comfort to calm him down. A glimmer of hope shot through my body as I asked, “Mr. Dawson, do you know where she might be? Katherine might know? We should ask her!”

Bob shook his head, “I do know where she is, but I promised I wouldn’t tell. Katherine knows as well, but don’t bug her about it. We’re all torn up just as much as you guys.”

That’s when confusion shot through me. Where could she be? Why would she run away when she had so much with her here?

Later that day, we had band practice. Jack and Zack were putting away their guitars when I handed them their letters. They looked at them in confusion and opened them instantly. Matt was just lounging on the couch talking to Kara when I handed them their letters to. Rian excused himself, probably to go wipe away his own tears as he knew what was about to happen. They all began to read and their faces all dropped. Zack looked up with tears in his eyes but held in his cries and let some of his tears fall from his eyes. Matt did the exact same thing, but excused himself by going to fetch some tissues. Kara was the only one that spoke.

“Is this some kind of joke?” she cried.

I shook my head, “She’s gone and she’s never coming back.”

“You’re lying, don’t lie to me Alex!” she cried and when I started to cry, Kara broke down and lashed out on me. Rian came back in time to hold her back. “This is all your fault Lex! If it weren't for you fucking things up she wouldn’t have done this. You broke her and now you broke us all because we all lost the one thing that held us together. How could you do this to us!”

“Kara, calm down. It’s okay, everything will be okay.” Rian said as he started to calm her down. She cried harder and harder but her rashness went away. She then got up and came to me to hug me telling me she was sorry and she didn’t mean what she had said.

“It’s alright Kara. I understand though. It is my fault because I led her to leave and all I want to do is take it all back.” I cried onto her shoulder.

Everyone just sat and cried, eventually they all left besides me and Jack who sat quietly in Rian’s basement, waiting for him to come back so we could talk about some stuff.

I looked at Jack who had been silent this entire time. He hadn’t spoken or cried this entire time. He looked broken though and there were stains from recent tears. Did he know something? I thought.

“Jack do you know anything about Lucy?” I asked. You could hear the strain in my voice from crying so much.

He shook his head, “No.”

I knew better than that though. Jack was lying. “Don’t lie to me. I know you do, just please no more lying. I don’t think I can take anymore.”

Jack sighed, “I took her to the airport and that’s about it. I don’t know where she went or if she’s okay. She wouldn’t tell me anything.”

“So you knew she was leaving and you didn’t think to tell us? Let alone stop her?!” I exclaimed.

“You don’t think I tried, Lex!? I practically begged her to stay. Be happy that you got to spend those last moments with her because I got you them. She was going to leave the night of prom, but I begged her to stay and she said only one more day. It kills me inside to know that I didn’t try hard enough to get her to stay. It kills me, Lex!” Jack cried. This was one of the worst days we’ve all ever had. Just over one girl that changed us all. I looked at my best friend with the same broken look. We cried and I stood up and told him I was going home. When I left the basement I could hear him break down in his own tears.

It only took one girl to break us all to our worst. One girl that I fell in love with. And that same girl was the one that I broke. Who knew that breaking something so pure and so warm could break so much that surrounded it?

When I got home my mother immediately asked me where I was. I looked at her and couldn’t help but cry.

“She’s gone mom. Lucy’s gone and it’s all my fault. She’s never coming back and it’s all my fault.”

“Alex…” she said sadly as she hugged me. For the first time since Tom’s death, I cried to my mother. She knew what I was going through, but this was so much different. It wasn’t my fault for Tom, I finally realized that. It was one of the many things I learned when I was with Lucy. But this was different. This was my fault. I was the one that pushed her away from us all.

I calmed myself down enough to let my mother know I was fine. Then I excused myself to my bedroom and shut my bedroom door. I blasted some Blink 182 as I read Lucy’s letter over again.

Dear Alex,

By the time you read this I’ll be on a plane leaving everything and everyone behind. The night after Prom when I said goodbye to you was supposed to be my last, but I was convinced to stay one more day. I couldn’t tell you that I was leaving because I know I would have stayed if you told me not to go. This is the only way I could leave.

Yesterday, meant a lot to me. I saw the change in you and how much this has been hurting you. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I already have. Writing this and leaving without you knowing is the hardest thing for me to do.

As I watch you lay in bed, I know I’ll be missing out on so much. And I know I’ll regret this, but once I’m gone, there’s no turning back. My heart breaks when I think that I could just forget this all and crawl back into bed and wake up next to your smiling face. We could finally move on from all the pain we’ve caused each other, but I need you to understand that this is something I need to do. This is hard for me and I know this will be hard for you too. I promise that as time goes on I’ll just be a memory.

At the park when I said I regretted losing you, I meant it. But like we’ve been saying since we’ve met… Everything happens for a reason. And the reason for this is just another answer I’ll never get to tell you.

Maybe someday we’ll meet again, but right now is the moment where we both go our separate ways. I wish you luck and I know you and the guys will go far. I’m hoping for the best and I’ll be watching you guys grow. Tell them that I’m sorry and I wish I could have said goodbye and tell Kara I’m sorry for not saying goodbye and that I understand if she hates me after this.

And most of all I’m sorry for not saying a proper goodbye to you, Alex. My love for you will never change and you’ll always be in my thoughts. You are the love of my life and I will never forget that. We promised each other so many things but the one that’s been broken was the first one we made when we first told each other we loved each other. We promised to never leave each other and to stay friends if we break up and that if we’re together in the future then we’ll marry each other. I’m sorry I was the one to break our promise, Alex. I couldn’t stay any longer and keep breaking everything that I saw was good in my life.

I hope one day you’ll forgive me and that you’ll find someone who will make you happier than I ever could. Remember one thing though, I will always love you.

After reading her letter I pulled the necklace out from my pocket and just stared at it. That’s when I knew it was over. She was gone. Lucy Johnson was gone and there was nothing I could do to bring her back.