My Guardian Vampire

“Love is dumb,” Gerard agreed, and gave me a kiss, “but I love you.”

“Stop reading my mind,” I laughed, and then gave him a kiss back. I didn’t necessarily feel well; in fact, I felt absolutely awful, like a bucket full of shit and rage. It would take a long time to get over this, but at least I had the tool of hope to help me manage. And then, I also had Gerard, and all my friends…

I won’t go down by myself, but I’ll go down with my friends…

Dr. Emans then walked in, and stopped and looked at us.

“You told her, didn’t you,” he sighed. Gerard nodded.

“Sorry, Mr. Emans. I can’t keep things from her.”

“Good answer Gerard, gooood answer,” Tré complimented. “That equals bonus points!”

I laughed, but the doctor only smiled weakly.

“So, now that you know, I’ll be able to tell you more,” he said, and turned a chair around and sat down on it. “First off, I’m sorry for the secrecy. I wasn’t even supposed to tell your husband yet, but I have a really hard time lying to patients.”

“Thank you for that,” I said. He waved it off like it was nothing, then put his clipboard down on the table in front of the bed.

“Second thing. I think you have brain cancer, but you need to know right now that this doesn’t mean you’re going to die. We don’t know how far it has progressed, or what type it is. You’re going to need an MRI, which basically takes a series of pictures of your brain. They can be scary and cause paranoia for some, as your head is put in a big machine and you have to sit still for a long period of time. It is not dangerous, however, just extremely loud. It can tell us how big the tumor is, where it is, and help us narrow down what type it is.

“After that, we might need to go in and take a biopsy of the tumor. That’s where we take a little piece of the tumor and do tests on it. It’s only really then when we can tell what type it is.”

“Why did she get it?” Gerard asked. I took his hand, all ready knowing the answer that there was no answer. The doctor sighed lightly.

“We don’t know why people get tumors. They’re starting to think it has to do with epigenetics, and these little switches in the brain. We all have cancer in us, right now. Usually our cells are equipped with alarms that go off and kill those cells. That we all ready knew. But what they’re finding out is that the little switches, you could think of them as light switches, get turned off by a mistake. Then when you have it, the light doesn’t go on, and none of the cells can see the alarm. It continues to grow, unnoticed by your cells.”

“Is there anyways to turn it back on?” Gerard asked.

“We don’t know. There are some experimental medicines, but…” The doctor shook his head. “All I can tell you is that I don’t know, I’m sorry. As soon as we figure out what kind it is, I can look into it.”

“Thank you so much, Dr. Emans,” I said. I then looked down, hating to even speak of the next subject. “I also know of…the baby thing. Please, tell me your opinion, even if we don’t know the type of tumor… Do you think we’ll be able to have it?”

“Mrs. Cryptcarde… It really depends on the type of cancer…” I gave him a pleading look, and he sighed. “I’m sorry. Babies don’t have a high success rate in this situation.”

I felt another sharp slap to the face, and more crumbling of my insides. I then felt tears rise to my eyes and teeter over the edge and begin to flow down my cheek, though I did not verbally cry. This meant I was going to lose my baby.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Cryptcarde. It’s not certain, only an opinion.” He patted my knee, and I wiped my face.

“It’s not your fault, I was the one to ask,” I said. “It’s just more bad news, you know?”

“Try to keep up hope, Lilly,” he said, “it can do wonders.”

“Thank you,” I said again, sniffing. He nodded, grabbed his clipboard, and left.

“Hey, everything’s going to be all right,” Gerard said, taking my hand. I smiled and dried my tears, and nodded. “Be strong, believe.” He then moved behind me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. He then squeezed me, and leaned over towards my ears and whispered “think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts…Woo!”

I giggled slightly, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood for happy thoughts. Yes, in time, I knew I would be all right, but for now I needed time to grieve, to wear away the shock and allow myself the proper time for pain.

“Do you need a sad song?” Gerard asked. I turned to face him and nodded weakly and smiled, knowing he of all people would at least know my strange need for a sad song in order to heal. Gerard smiled, still reading my thoughts.

“Get out of my head,” I laughed. Gerard smirked, making my stomach twist with happiness. He then looked at me; his were eyes shining pure eagerness, his mind probably alight with ideas. I leaned over and kissed this inventive man of mine, glad to have him double as the creator of the artistic medicine for my soul. He then broke away and let go of me and pulled up a chair next to me. I grabbed the pen and pad of paper and handed it to him. He gave me a kiss before going to work, scribbling down notes in his beautiful handwriting.

“So Ali, you doing okay?” Mike asked, walking over. He put his hand on my back, and I looked up at him and nodded. He smiled and rubbed my back comfortingly. Tré climbed up onto my bed and laid back, putting his hands behind his head.

“This shit is better than my bed at home!” he exclaimed.

“I know right?” I laughed. “It’s like where the hell do they find this stu-”

“Done,” Gerard interrupted. I gave him a surprised look, and he gave me a wide bashful grin. “ I just wrote one for when you start to need happier songs, too. Admittedly I already had a piece in mind, but it was totally inappropriate. But since you want a depressing song, it’s kind of perfect…”

“Well then show it to me,” I laughed. Gerard’s face then turned to one of worry.

“Look, I of all people know how much a sad song can help, but if it’s too sad, or you don’t want to hear it, or you don’t like it-“

“Gerard,” I interrupted, giving him a lame look, “stop worrying. Do you know what you’re going to call it?”

“Yeah,” Gerard said, and gave me a weak smile. “'Cancer.’”