My Guardian Vampire

Billie Joe's face suddenly constricted in anger, and all I felt was a burst of pain in my face, feeling like I had just been the aim of a brick.

"Did… Did you just punch me?"

"No. I slapped you."

I held my face, looking at him in horror.

"Billie, why did you-"

“Because you’re a whore. You don’t deserve me, and yet I’m here for you, and all you can do is think about other men.”

“I don’t even know who I’m thinking about Billie, I promise. I love you.” Billie’s look softened, and the Billie I knew was back.

“I know love. I apologize for hitting your beautiful face. Could you ever forgive me? Care to hit me back?” He offered his cheek as a sacrifice.

“No Billie! I could never hit you. Here, let me get cleaned up.” Billie Joe stayed and watched me as I rinsed out my mouth and brushed my teeth, trying my hardest to get the bitter taste that wouldn’t leave me. I still felt a little sick, my face pale and sickly, the skin drawn taught against my lips as I frowned. Some song was stuck in my head, but I couldn’t make out the words or the beat.

“Still feeling sick?” Billie asked, coming over from the corner of the bathroom and rubbing my back slightly. I nodded wordlessly, still looking at my face, the reflection so alien to my eyes in the mirror.

“Come on; let’s go back to the room.” Billie Joe walked out and I followed behind him, looking down at the floor and watching my steps. We quickly were back in the bedroom, and he took my hand and led me back to the bed, where we laid down.

Billie Joe cuddled up next to me, making my heart beat faster, though strangely enough not as fast as it used to. I figured this was just me getting used to him, as all couples in love should when they get married. I couldn’t wait to be married to Billie, the love of my life…

I began to cry, and Billie hugged me closed, hushing me.

“What is it now?” he asked, sounding a little cold and annoyed. This just made me cry more.

“You’re too good for me, Billie. I almost hate how much I love you.”

“Yes, I know,” Billie sighed. “But you need to be strong. I need someone strong to be my wife.”

“But I’m not strong,” I cried. “I’ll do whatever you ask me Billie, whatever you need. I don’t care. Just let me love you.”

“You can love me to your heart’s desire,” he said, but I cried still. He sighed, his irritation coming into the sigh even more now. “What is it? I said you could love me.”

“Tré and Mike don’t like me…” I said sniffing. It was dark, but I could see a look of confusion on Billie’s face.

“Since when did you care if someone liked you or not?”

“I just love you so much, I want your friends to like me too. If they like you, they should like me, right?”

“Right Ali. Don’t worry, I’m sure the next time you see them they’ll be different. Now just go to sleep.”

Billie Joe’s annoyance was no longer hidden. I did not know why he was so upset, but I did not press the matter. As we laid there silent, the words to the song suddenly found me, the melody haunting my brain. I hummed to myself, and then began to sing quietly as the words became clearer.

“I don’t love you, like I did, yesterday.”

“What did you just say?” he said, his eyes opening to glare at me angrily.

“I don’t love you like I did yesterday,” I replied automatically, unthinkingly sounding off like a programmed robot. I suddenly realized what that might sound like. “It was just a song-“

“’Just a song’ my ass.” He said, sitting up and then walking to the door. I didn’t want Billie Joe to be mad at me like this.

“Billie,” I said pleadingly, getting off the bed and kneeling down on the floor, looking at his feet. “I love you. I know I don’t deserve you, but I love you so very, very much.” Billie began to leave and I cried out, grabbing at his foot. He turned and looked at me, disgusted.

“Holy fuck. I rather deal with the old you hating me. This is so disgusting. Get your backbone back, Ali.”

Billie Joe closed the door on me, leaving me alone for what had felt like not the first time.

‘Why is Billie Joe acting like this?’ I thought to myself. ‘Has he ever acted like this before? I thought he hasn’t, but I can’t remember…’

I searched my mind for a moment more, my head totally confused. I couldn’t seem to remember anything, or at least nothing that made sense. A lot of the memories were pure feelings, like when I was in the hospital-

‘I was in the hospital? Where did that thought come from?’

My head began to hurt, my mind feeling way too full of things I couldn’t possibly process through, not in a million years. I seemed too full of memories, conflicting ones with conflicting feelings about things I didn’t even know about…

I had to stop thinking about all of this. It was so much easier when I didn’t think.

But my mind wouldn’t let me stop. It kept sorting through everything, and I felt some part of me blocking out memories, memories of…I wasn’t even sure. They must have been horrible if my mind had to block them out so strongly, but it was getting worrying the way my mind couldn’t keep control. I saw a face, a face that instantly made me smile. But it wasn’t Billie’s, it was a stranger’s. I couldn’t control the smile, raw feelings of happiness washing away the sickness.

And then the sickness came back, stronger than ever. Pushed by a sense of deep loneliness, the sickness tore my head apart. I grabbed at my head, the pain overpowering. I moaned to myself slightly as the pain continued, random memories coming to-

I hoped Gerard was happy, I really did. In fact, I wished nothing more than that-

‘Who the fuck was Gerard? Where the hell did that thought come from?’

I loved Gerard more than I loved anyone else, more than I could love anyone else. I wanted to be with him… forever.[.i]

I whimpered, pleading to god for an escape, something to make it all stop. The pain was so loud in my head the whimper was the loudest noise I could make, all the sound routed to my thoughts. The pain however started to double, making me feel more pain than I thought possible. Yet there was somehow a red hot relief in the pain, like when you feel something so hot it actually feels cold to the touch-

The heat spread out, pushing something out of my head. I thought my head was on fire and freezing all at once, and then-
-It was over.

I collapsed to the ground, sweat totally covering me. My face was against the floor, the rug pushing up against me as I inhaled deeply for breath. The rug, for some reason, was all I felt, the rest of my mind totally blank, a dead sheet. Then more feelings came: the sweat, my body’s heat, and the air rushing painfully in and out of my system. I opened my eyes and saw nothing, and for a moment feared I was blind. Then my memories came back to me, something in my mind pressing the rewind button, letting me know that I was only in the dark.

I could barely register the pain I had been through, so my mental recap simply skipped the last moments of my life, going back to the bedroom, the bathroom, the iPod, my days with Billie, the closet-

“The closet. Billie—he kept me in a closet.”

Suddenly my rewind was paused, or perhaps super fast-forward, everything rushing back into my head and in its proper place. My mind was slightly disoriented and jumbled as I stood, using the bed for support. I—the real me—was back. Maybe a bit confused, unsure of how everything had happened… But there was one thing for certain:

I was angry.

I opened the door, and walked out of the hallway. I was on a killing mission, prepared to jump through a wall to kill Billie Joe and/or get out of here. But then my mind cheerily let me remember something else: I was in trouble.
Deep, mountain-sized, horrible, mind-blowing shit.
What to do, what to do…

I stood there for a moment, taking up the free time, which I knew would be eventually interrupted, trying to figure out plan of action.

I knew that I was in a mostly hopeless situation, though that had been covered in my mind well enough by now. I knew I could try pretending to be Billie’s lovesick toy thing for a while longer, though I didn’t know how long it would last. I knew, most importantly, that Billie Joe was smart. This wasn’t a bad man on a TV show, clumsy and leaving the watcher wondering how they hadn’t been sent to a special-ed school. No, he was a 200 year old vampire, and though he was demented and completely insane, something told me he would have planned something like this kind of kidnapping a little better than your everyday psycho.

Damn, damn, damn.

Honestly, I was lost for words, lost for thought, lost for a plan of action. I wasn’t necessarily giving up hope, but I definitely understood now why those whiny bitches in the fairytale stories were… well, whiny bitches in fairytale stories. It would be much easier to have some Ken-Doll in a tin can with a pole up his ass save you from the big bad Billie rather than you face the fangs yourself.

Much, much, easier.

Right now however, I was liking the plan to run away. Some people could be heroes, but hell—I just wanted to be alive. I wanted to go back home, much rather preferring to face the music for what I had done rather than face this truly coo-coo in the cabeza asshole that was going to do who-knows-what to me and my “living” status.

I walked out into the living room, and felt a sense of extreme dread once I saw Billie there, watching TV on the sofa with a laid-back position. I took a deep breath and stepped into the room, acting casual as I possibly could. Billie, hearing me enter, turned to look at me, and smiled.

“Hey Green, feeling better?” he said, patting the spot on the sofa next to him. I nodded weakly, and walked over and sat down. He studied me a moment.

“You sure you’re ok? You’re sitting up straight, away from me.” Shit.

“You told me to grow a backbone. So I did.”

“Oh,” he said, smiling slightly. “Come move over here.”

“Ok,” I said and smiled, cuddling into him. I hadn’t meant to be rigid, but to be so close to him made me disgusted and nervous. He placed his arm over my shoulder and I stared at it, wishing my eyes could zap it away.

“Are you sure something’s not wrong? You seem distracted.”

“Oh,” I said, looking at him, keeping my face blank. I must’ve used to coo and be all over him before. I frowned, pouting. “I know you told me to get a backbone… But I’m nervous.”

“Why?”

Damn. Hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“Because,” I said, looking away. I felt him push into my mind slightly, so I quickly recovered. “You—you just never told me what happens when vampires marry. Is it the same for two vampires as it is for a vampire and a human? Do you have a priest too, or whatever?”

“It’s… Not exactly the same,” Billie said, and smiled. I didn’t even have a chance to shiver before he went on, “And no, there—well there is a priest-type person, but that’s also not going to be the same.” I looked at him, remembering to crinkle my nose and smile at him with big, stupid, clueless Bambi-like eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there are only a few beings in the entire world to marry a vampire. And well, I’m one of them.”

He was probably expecting some kind of stupid bimbo-like laugh from me, but I could not help but stare at him.

I eventually remembered myself and smiled, but it was for a moment too long. Billie Joe shut his eyes, and sighed.

“Please, don’t look at me with that fake smile anymore. I know you’re you again.”