I See Sparks Fly Whenever You Smile

Brook

It took me a few minutes to let what he actually said sink in after Alex's incredibly random confession.

"Please don't look at me like that," Alex eventually said, breaking the silence.

"Look at you like what?" I asked, shaking my head a little.

"Like I'm the scum of the earth," he said softly, his eyes cast down.

"I don't think that," I said, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze. "Honest. I'm just a little confused where that outburst came from."

He shrugged. "I've just been trying to tell you these things for a while and I guess it finally just spilled out."

I nodded slowly, still attempting to process what he said.

"Come," he said, taking my hand and leading me over to the kitchen table. Alex took a seat at the head of the table and I sat to the left, adjacent to him. "Can I tell you more about it?"

I nodded. "Please do."

He looked incredibly uncomfortable and I felt really bad making him talk about it. But he did bring it up and I couldn't help but think maybe he needed to talk about it.

"She worked in the main office at my school. I'd gotten to know her a bit because I spent a lot of time there. Whether it was to get late passes or because I'd been sent to the Principal for one thing or another, she saw me a lot," Alex started.

I nodded slowly and had to ask the one question that kept repeating in my head. "How old was she?"

"She was twenty-six. And when it started I was seventeen," he explained.

I nodded again and tried not to show any signs of judgment or anything on my face. I was good at it. It was a major part of my job.

"After a while it was almost hard to hide the attraction I felt towards her and had to watch myself carefully when I spoke with her in the main office."

"This is hardly what I'd call an affair, Alex," I assured him, trying to make him feel better.

"I haven't got that far yet," he said, looking up at me quickly and looking away again just as fast. "One day, I was sure fate was on my side. I had detention after school and the normal teacher that did it had a sudden emergency and couldn't stay, so I guess they were desperate and they had her proctor the detention hour. I was the only kid there somehow. And it was probably the best detention ever. We talked for an hour straight and not once did it feel like a student-school official conversation. We really connected and had a lot in common. And the age difference didn't even phase us."

I nodded again. I wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do. He wasn't really looking at me, so I didn't think he was waiting for an actual verbal response.

"Things escalated quickly after that. We started sneaking around and meeting up and coffee shops in the middle of nowhere and soon after that started, we started hooking up. At first it was innocent kissing in the back of my car, but eventually was started doing a lot more."

"You would sleep with this girl in the back-seat of your car?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even.

He nodded. "I couldn't sneak her back to my house because if she got caught my parents would flip. They didn't like when I brought home girls my own age much. I couldn't imagine how they'd react to someone so much older."

"When did you find out she was married?" I finally asked.

"She had finally invited me to her apartment. And I had seen a picture of her in a wedding dress with her husband. I asked her about it and she said she'd been married for 2 years. Her husband worked long hours and she said she'd been lonely until she started seeing me."

Lamely, I nodded again.

"I was with her in their bed and it made me feel sick for only a minute before I decided that I was going to make her choose me over her husband if the time ever came for her to have to make a decision."

"Did that time ever come?" I asked.

"Pretty much. Towards the end of the school year, I told her that I was in love with her. I expected her to say it back but she didn't. And shortly after that she told me that she couldn't be with both her husband and me anymore. She flat out told me there was nothing I could do to convince her to leave her husband."

I looked up at him sadly. "That seems awfully unfair."

He nodded. "I realized she was in it for a whole different reason than me. Shockingly, I was the one developing the feelings and wanting something more and she just liked the idea of sneaking around and getting off when her husband wasn't there."

"That must've sucked."

He nodded. "It totally sucked. It felt worthless, like if I wasn't good for her I would never be good for anyone."

"Alex," I frowned, reaching across the table and giving his hand a squeeze. "You don't feel that way anymore do you?"

He looked up at me, for the longest time since we sat down. "Sometimes."

I frowned again. "Well don't. That girl seriously had some issues if she was okay cheating on her husband and messing with the feelings of a kid."

Alex shrugged. "What I probably should have added before was that while I was with her, I was also seeing Lina, she's my ex that I share the dogs with. I'd been dating Lina on and off since Junior year and in our Senior year we were on a lot more than off but it wasn't until after everything happened and we graduated that I started developing feelings of love towards her."

My stomach tightened a bit at the mention of this ex-girlfriend. I guess I had a lot to live up to if him and her were together for so long.

"I think it was almost a pity thing. Like I knew how it felt to be in love with someone who was in love with someone else. But for a while she was kind of the only thing I could count on. And it was probably really terrible, but for a while I knew no matter what I did and how I messed up, she'd always be willing to take me back so I never had to worry about being alone. I treated her terribly for a long time just so I wouldn't be the one to get hurt."

"What would you do?" I asked.

He shrugged. "When we first started touring it was the worst. I would pretty much cheat on her the first chance I got. I wasn't proud of it. And while I wanted it to make me feel better, it only lasted until the next morning and then I felt shitty all over again and I would call her and tell her and she would get upset and break up with me on the
phone. Then I'd be so upset from that, that I would just go on a binge for a week or two where I just partied harder than usual and hooked up with anyone and then eventually I would come back home and see Lina and we'd get back together and the whole vicious cycle would start over."

"Do you ever see..." I trailed off when I realized Alex never told me her name.

"Michelle..." he filled in for me. "No. Last I heard she moved to Philly with her husband when she got pregnant."

I nodded slowly. "Do you still love her?"

"No," he shook his head, his eye locking on mine now. "Definitely not. I don't really think about her much either. I guess with you now I just want to be totally honest with me and kind of warn you of what you're getting yourself into."

I smiled softly and gave his hand another squeeze. "You're not the only one who's damaged in this relationship, my dear."

"Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up a bit. "I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to sound excited."

I laughed a little and moved my chair a little closer to him. "I won't bore you with details but I was with this guy for a really long time. I kind of figured we be together forever."

"But?"

"But I came home one day and found him in our bed with another woman and that dream faded real quick."

Alex immediately frowned. "I'm sorry, Brook."

I shrugged, smiling a little. "It's okay now. It was bad for a while but I moved on. He clearly wasn't worth it."

"When you say it was bad what do you mean exactly?"

I took a deep breath before answering. I really didn't want to tell him everything about Josh. The only ordeal did not seem worth speaking of anymore. "I was a mess for a while. I didn't want to do anything. I was really mopey. Have you ever heard Jenn call me Adele?" I paused and waited for Alex to shake his head no. "Well, if you ever do, that's why."

Alex looked up at me, a small smirk playing on his lips. "Really?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "But hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?"

"Definitely," he nodded.

I smiled, scooting a little even closer to him and resting my head on his shoulder. "You okay?"

"Yeah," he smiled, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "I actually feel better."

"Good," I smiled. "I think it's kind of a good thing that we both have relationship issues."

"You do?" he asked, looking down at me, sounding a little surprised.

"Because we're both able to take this slow and not constantly obsess over the future and where this is going. That's also why I think it was a good thing that you were away for so long at the beginning of this."

"Why is that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know exactly. I guess it was just nice to focus on getting to know you. I mean at this point I think there are things you know about me that some of my closest friends don't even know."

I watched his lips slowly turn up into a smile. "I liked that part too. I never really did that before with a girl."

"Well, I'm happy to be the first," I said, smiling right before he kissed me.

"Are you sure all this doesn't change you're mind on running scared?" he asked, pulling away from my lips just enough for his words to be audible.

"No," I shook my head. "If anything it makes me want to stick around even more."