I See Sparks Fly Whenever You Smile

Alex

After the night I had with Brook, it didn't surprise me when 8 AM rolled around and I was wide awake. Brook had practically cried herself to sleep, clinging to my chest for dear life; as if she'd let me go, I'd disappear. Through her tears and sobs, she kept making me assure her that I was going to say and promise that I wouldn't leave. At that point, come Hell or high water, I wasn't going anywhere.

Once I finally got Brook to calm down and fall asleep, my own anxiety kicked in and I began to question everything that happened that day that could have set Brook off. I had convinced myself it was nothing I could have done because Brook wouldn't beg me to stay with her like she had if I was the reason she was so upset. The only theory I kept coming back to was something to do with that couple in the lobby of the restaurant. She looked ten times more uncomfortable around those two than she did at the height of Jack's "act like a dick" act. I desperately wanted her to tell me what was wrong, but I also knew it was something really heavy and I did not want to force her.

I had barely gotten any sleep; I kept tossing and turning as I thought about Brook. Once I was awake at 8 o'clock, I spent about half an hour watching Brook sleep and trying to get myself to fall back to sleep, but once I realized that wasn't going to happen, I carefully wiggled away from Brook's grip and made my way into the kitchen.

I wanted to do something nice for her, so I started going through the cabinets, pulling out the ingredients I would need to make waffles.
When the waffles were about done, I started to brew a pot of coffee. When everything was done, it was after nine and I was really surprised that Brook hadn't even woke up yet.
I set up a plate for her, making sure to only put a little bit of syrup on the plate because I knew Brook wasn't the biggest fan of the stuff. I made her coffee just the way I knew she liked it and I carefully carried the plate and the mug into Brook's bedroom. I almost felt bad for waking her up.

I set the plate and the mug down on the night stand and crawled back into bed with Brook and lightly pressed a kiss to her lips, her cheek and the tip of her nose before she started to shift in her sleep and her eyes blinked open.

"Good morning," I whispered.

"Morning," she said softly, her voice was raspy and I wasn't sure if it was from just waking up or from crying all night.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, gently pushing some hair away from her face.

"I'm okay," she replied, her voice still super quiet.

"Good," I said, kissing her forehead gently. "Are you hungry? I made waffles."

She shook her head a little. "I'm not right now. But they smell great."

I nodded slowly, a little disappointed that she didn't want to eat, but I accepted her with open arms when she scooted over and curled herself up into my side.

"Thank you for everything last night," her quiet voice said after a little while of silence.

"You're welcome," I said, running my hands softly through her hair. "I'm just not sure why you're thanking me."

She picked her head up from my chest and looked me in the eyes. "You didn't leave last night. You stayed through the entire night and held me while I cried and you didn't push me to tell you why."

I shrugged. "What was I supposed to do? Leave you to cry all night alone? No way."

She sat up a little, a tiny smile on her face as she lightly kissed my lips. "I just really appreciated it, that's all."

"It was nothing," I assured her. "But you're sure you're okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Momentary lapse in sanity last night, I guess."

I nodded slowly. "Are you ever going to tell me what it was? If you don't what to it's fine. I just-"

"I'll tell you," she cut me off "But it's kind of a long story."

I leaned back against the headboard and folded my hands over my lap. "I have all the time in the world."

She smiled, a little bit bigger this time, leaning forward and kissing me lightly again. "Whenever you don't want to hear anymore, tell me and I'll stop."

"Okay," I nodded slowly and I watched as it seemed like she sorted her thoughts in her head.

"That guy you saw me talking to last night was my ex Josh. Liz, the girl he was with, was the girl I walked in on him in bed with."

"Shit," I hissed under my breath, nodding for her to keep going.

She took a deep breath. "The engagement ring that you probably couldn't tell she was wearing on her finger once belonged to me."

I nodded slowly, it taking a second to process what that meant. "Y-You were engaged?"

She nodded. "We were a little over a month before the wedding when I walked in on him."

I shook my head, an angry knot already beginning to twist in the pit of my stomach.

"Oh and Liz was hired as an Engagement present by my aunt and uncle in New York to be my Wedding Planner."

"You're kidding?"

She shook her head. "Not even a little bit. I caught my husband-to-be in bed a month before our wedding with the Wedding Planner."

The knot in my stomach tightened as I reached for Brook's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry."

"Needless to say I called off the wedding. And I don't know if you know this but calling off a wedding is almost more work than planning."

I shook my head. "I couldn't even begin to imagine."

"Being so close to the actual date of the wedding, almost all of the responses had come back. My parents, Jenn and a few of my aunts had to call all the guests and let them know this wedding wasn't going to happen anymore."

"Did they tell everyone why?" I asked, not sure it was an appropriate question.

She nodded. "They asked me if I wanted everyone to know. I didn't want to lie. I kind of figured the truth would get out eventually anyway. Plus, Josh and I had been together for so long, no one would believe we just randomly decided not to get married anymore," she explained with a shrug.

"That was awfully brave of you," I commented, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Well, as it would turn out, calling off the wedding plans would be the easy part. Mostly because my mom and Jenn did everything. Just be being honest, they were able to get all the money back from the dress hop for my dress and my bridesmaids dresses. They even got most of the money back that we had put down on the reception hall. It was amazing."

"Well, at least that sounds like good news," I tried.

"You'd think, right?" she said with a slight chuckle. "I didn't want anything to do with anything that would remind me of him. I took all the money I got back and donated it to charity. All the money we had already got as gifts from either the Engagement party or my Bridal Shower I donated. I even donated all the gifts I got from the Bridal Shower too. I gave a lot of the kitchen stuff to the school's Home Ec Department."

"Wow," I nodded. "That's pretty cool of you actually."

"Yeah. I guess," she shrugged. "I didn't keep my cool for long though."

I nodded. "Go on," I encouraged her.

"The first week after I was mostly just mad at him. I couldn't believe that he would do something like that to me. I wanted to know what was wrong with him that made him think he could get away with it."

I could sense that this strong was about to get that much more serious just by the way her body language changed. I squeezed her hand again to let her know I was there for her.

"Eventually my own head became my worst enemy. I started thinking less what was wrong with him and more what was wrong with me. I had just started working at the school so I was working a lot. I wanted to impress the people at the school so any chance I could volunteer for something, I would. So I wasn't around a lot. And when I was, most of our time together involved wedding plans. I thought maybe I forced him on someone else just because I wasn't there."

I shook my head again. "Brook, even if you did work a lot, that doesn't give him-"

"I know," she shook her head. "At least I do now."

"Good," I nodded.

"It got worse though," she said quietly. "I started questioning myself and how I looked. I started thinking that I had known Josh for so long that I got too comfortable with him. I knew I had put on a few pounds since graduating college and I ended up convincing myself that I had pushed him away because I let myself go, for lack of a better phrase.

I could barely fathom the words she was speaking. The knot in my stomach twisted painfully. "Brook. That's insane. You should never- You're so-" I couldn't even form a sentence.

"I know," she nodded again. "But back then I didn't and let the idea consume me. Little by little I began to notice a lot of the mutual friends Josh and I had gravitated towards him. And I was left practically friends-less. I couldn't even let myself think of what he could have possibly said to them to convince them to take his side. But either way, they did, and the whole thing pretty much destroyed my self confidence. I completely shut down. I stopped talking to anyone. I had moved back in with my parents and I only left the house for work and while I was there I pretended I was okay. I couldn't really expect kids to open up to me if they knew I was such a mess."

She paused for a moment, seemingly gathering her thoughts. Tears welled up in her eyes a few times but they never actually passed her eyes lids.

"Brook, you don't have to tell me anymore. I get it," I told her, squeezing her hand again.

"I'm okay," she said, her voice a little strained. "I want to tell you everything."

"Okay," I nodded for her to continue.

She took a deep breath and continued to speak. "I used to look forward to work. And now I absolutely love it. But then it was torture. I felt like such a phony. There I was talking to kids about their problems and giving them advice to get through things and there I was miserable over a guy, shutting out whatever friends I had left, I was barely eating and I stopped doing anything I used to do for fun. I knew so much better than everything I was doing to myself but I just couldn't snap out of it. I knew my parents were worried but I think they were afraid if they questioned it that they would freak me out more. So they just let me do my thing and then finally everything came to a head..."

She trailed off and looked up at me for a second. For most of this story she had been avoiding all eye contact with me.

"The actual day of the wedding came and everyone around me tried to go about their day like normal. My parents went out to do their regular Saturday afternoon errands. I woke up late and went to take a shower and when I came out I heard my phone beep. I had a missed call and a new voicemail. I was going to ignore it since the missed call came from an unavailable number but something made me listen. It was Josh and he went on and on about how sorry he was. He missed me and couldn't stop thinking about me. Especially that day. He wanted to see me, to see if we could talk and see if there was any chance for us ever being an us again."

"God, Brook. Please don't tell me you called him," I sighed.

"No. I didn't call him. After I listened to the message a few times, I completely broke down. I locked myself in the bathroom and collapsed to the floor. I was so confused and felt so out of control with everything and I couldn't handle it anymore. All the pain I felt was just too much. So, I cracked."

I watched her as she shoved the comforter off of her body and held her right arm up for me. It took a second or two for my eyes to focus on what she wanted me to see. When I finally found it, my mouth dropped open almost a little too much. On the side of her wrist, she had a think scar that was about two inches in length.

"Y-You did that to yourself?" I asked lamely, my thumb lightly brushing over the scarred skin.

She nodded, the tears finally slipping out and onto her cheeks. "I cut myself. And for about five minutes I felt great. I could see the cut on my wrist and watch the blood trickle down my arm and I could say I felt pain but I knew where the pain came from and I could control it happening again."

I couldn't look at her. I couldn't take my eyes off her wrist. I had no idea by getting to know Brook that deep down she was such a broken, fragile girl.

"I only did it that one time. It was almost a good thing that I did it."

I looked up at her. I could tell my face looked very confused. "How is that possible?"

She shrugged. "Every time I see it, I'm reminded of how I felt back then and how totally un-worth it Josh was. It was so stupid for me to let him have such control over my life. Granted, its still a scar and it does bring back memories of all the pain. But believe it or not it was the beginning stages of me getting better."

"Oh yeah?"

She nodded. "Jenny came over and found me in the bathroom. I made her swear not to tell anyone what she saw. She promised she wouldn't if I got help. So I did. I actually started to see one of my old Psych Professors from school. I always had a really great relationship with her and I felt really comfortable talking to her about all these private and personal things."

"How long did you see her until you felt..." I trailed off. I wasn't sure what the right word was. "Okay?"

"It took a few months. It was hard to feel confident in my own skin again. But I'm okay now. I have my moments sometimes. But I can handle it now."

All of a sudden something clicked in my head. "Oh my God. Is that why you correct me every time I call you perfect?"

She nodded, looking away again. "Josh used to call me that. But I had to figure it wasn't true because if I was perfect, he wouldn't have left me for someone else."

I frowned, suddenly feeling guilty for every time I said it. "I'm sorry," I bit my lip. "I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," she said giving my hand a squeeze this time. "I guess all this changes your mind than, huh?"

I looked up at her, confused again. "Change my mind about what?"

She shrugged. "Thinking I'm perfect..."

I smiled a little and brushed some of her hair off her face. "Not at all."

She smiled a little. A real smile. "You're sweet," she said, kissing me lightly. "And just so you know... That breakdown last night after seeing him wasn't at all because I have any kind of feelings for him anymore. At least not good ones."

"I know," I nodded.

"It was just seeing him brought me right back to that dark, scary place. And I didn't like it. I've been so freaking happy lately."

"I know," I nodded again. "Can I just ask a quick question?"

"Sure," she nodded.

"You said that the girl was wearing the engagement ring that he had given you?"

Brook laughed a little and I was glad she saw the humor in it. "How incredibly tacky, right?"

"Probably the most incredibly tacky thing I've ever heard," I laughed. "Hey, I have an idea!"

"What?"

I reached for her left arm and un-clasped the bracelet I'd gotten her and clasped it again around her right wrist. I looked up at her and she smiled a little. "Now when you see this wrist you can think of me instead of all the bad stuff."

She was quiet for a few seconds and her eyes filled with tears and for a second I thought I'd done something wrong.

"Thank you," she squeaked out before throwing her arms around my neck and squeezing me into a tight hug. "Really. Thank you, so much."

"You don't have to thank me," I assured her, wrapping my arms around her waist and hugging her just as tight, pulling into my lap.

"No," she pulled away, placing her hands on my shoulders. "When this whole thing with you started, I was really scared. I mean there were so many factors that should have sent me running. But instead you bull-dozed your way through the walls I built up around myself and you made it so easy."

I smiled a little, touching her cheek lightly. "So easy to what?"

She leaned forward and kissed me gently. "To fall for you."

I smiled a little wider. "I could say the same for you." I said before pressing my lips to hers.

"Do you think we stand a fighting chance to make it?" she asked, pulling away just a little.

"I think so," I nodded. "I mean to me you're worth fighting for."