I See Sparks Fly Whenever You Smile

Alex

Over the course of the night with Brook and my parents, I was convinced things were going perfect. Once we sat down to eat, Brook didn't look nearly as terrified as she had when my parents first showed up. And once dessert was on the table, Brook and my mom looked like old high school friends. That's why when my parents said goodbye and left for the night, I was surprised at how quiet Brook got. We cleaned up the kitchen together and when we were finished, she kissed me quick, said that she was tired and headed up to my bed. I tried convincing myself I was just being paranoid, but after about 30 minutes of reading emails and answering some fan questions on Twitter, I decided to head up to bed and find out what was wrong with my girlfriend. 

"Are you awake?" I asked when I entered the room. Brook muttered a reply, a rerun of Friends playing on the TV screen. "Good," I said more to myself as I stripped down to my boxers and grabbed a t-shirt from my drawer. Thanks to Brook I no longer needed to sniff my clothes before putting them on to know they're clean. 

I crawled into bed and immediately Brook rolled away from me. That was a giant signal that something was wrong. 

"Look, I'm tired, Brook. I don't want to play this game. So can you just tell me what's wrong?"

I was surprised when Brook pushed the blankets down and sat up. "Nothing is wrong, Alex," she said unconvincing. 

"Come on, Brook. Don't wear your emotions so clearly on your face if you're going to lie about them when someone calls you out on it."

She looked up at me a little frustrated. "I'm just tired. It's been a long and stressful couple of days, okay?"

"Did my mom say something? She probably didn't mean it the way you took it."

"You're mom didn't say anything."

I sighed. "Was it my dad? I told you he didn't talk much. But trust me, he thinks you're wonderful.  They both think you're wonderful."

She just shook her head and I could tell, no matter how hard she was trying to hide it, she was really struggling with something. 

"Brook," I placed my hand on her knee, giving it a slight squeeze. "This is the last time I'll ask and then I'll leave you alone. What is wrong?"

She didn't answer me at all. Instead she was suddenly very interested in the top of my hand. It was as if the flowered tattoo I had that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Her fingers lightly brushed over the three letters I had tattooed there before her eyes snapped up to meet mine. 

"Y-You said this tattoo was for a f-friend who passed away," was all she said.

I nodded slowly, unsure where this was going. "Yeah..."

"It wasn't really a friend, huh?" she said, almost mostly to herself. 

"What are you talking about, Brook?"

"It was your brother."

I didn't expect her to say that. And quite frankly I didn't expect her to find out. The death of my brother wasn't something I liked to talk about. At all. 

"How did you..." I trailed off. 

"In that photo album your mom brought. There was a picture of you two. I didn't know so I asks who he was. And I was a little confused when she said he was your brother because you'd never mentioned him before. Ever. I asked if he lived in the UK with your sisters and that's when she told me what happened," Brook said, now avoiding eye contact with me at all cost. 

"Oh," was all I could say. 

"I'm not mad that you didn't tell me. I understand. And if you don't want to talk about it now, I also understand. But I just want to say that I'm really sorry you had to go through that."

"Well don't be," I said, kind of snippy and I immediately felt bad about it. 

"I- Okay-" she stumbled over the right words. 

I sighed, turning to her.  "I just hate it when people say their sorry to me about it. I'm not the one you should feel sorry for. Here I am getting everyone's pity while I'm living out my God damn dream. Okay?  I'm having the time of my life playing music with my best friends all over the world, I have, hands down, the most amazing girlfriend in the world and people feel sorry for me."

I paused for a second, attempting to gather my thoughts together. 

"He never had the chance to live out his dream. I don't even know what his dreams were. Or if he had any. He never had a chance to find a girl like you and experience what it's like to feel like this with another person. He missed out on so fucking much. But I'm the one people feel sorry for."

"Alex," Brook soft voice broke through the sound of the blood pumping in my ears. 

I looked at her again, see her big beautiful eyes filled with tears and she struggled again to find the words. 

"I didn't mean to upset you. I was trying to not bring it up," she said. "I figured if you hadn't told me already. There had to be a reason."

I sighed. "Brook, it's not that I didn't want to tell you. It's just I can't handle that look in people's eye when I talk about it."

"What look?" she asked, struggling to keep her voice even. 

I gave her hand a light squeeze. "The one that you're giving me now."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking away from me. "We don't have to talk anymore about it. But I just think you should know that if you ever need to talk, I'm here," she said, leaning over and kissing me lightly before she laid back down and pulled the blanket up to her shoulders. 

I was quiet for a little while, going back and forth in my brain with whether or not I really wanted to talk about this. I hadn't in a really long time and maybe it would be good for me to do so. 

"He's the one the got me into music," I said softly so much later that I was almost convinced Brook had fallen asleep. 

Brook sat up a few seconds later, looking up at me, wide eyed. She didn't say anything, but I knew she was ready to listen to whatever I was going to say. 

"We were quite a few years apart so we weren't super close but we definitely had a decent relationship. I could always tell that he was a little bit off and maybe not like everyone else," I started to say. 

"Any time he got a new album, he would call me into his room to play it for me. That's when I heard bands like Nirvana and Greenday for the first time. He even tried to teach me to play guitar. But he didn't really get too far with his lessons because that's about the time my parents let him move back to the UK."

Brook nodded, staying quiet but giving my hand a supportive squeeze. 

"After it happened, I wasn't exactly sure what was going on. I was only twelve years old so I didn't really get suicide. My parents wouldn't really tell me much. And it wasn't until I was older that I really understood and it really messed me up."

"What do you mean?" she asked, giving my hand another squeeze. 

I shrugged. "I started to wonder what I could have done differently to help. I know we got along for the most part but I know there were times when I could be an annoying little brother. What if I told my parents every time I overheard him talking on the phone about sneaking out, or when I would catch him sneaking out. If I could have prevented him from being with this people, maybe be could have pushed through whatever bad stuff he was dealing with."

"Alex..." she started to say by I kept taking. 

"The biggest thing I had to deal with was wondering if I could have been a better brother. Maybe if I was able to say the right things and let him know that I cared... Maybe I could have given him a reason to stay..."

By this point my throat was burning and my eyes stung as tears threatened to well up. I tried my hardest to keep my emotions in check. Brook was supposed to be the emotional wreck in this relationship, not me. 

Brook gently rubbed my arm in a comforting way. "It's okay," she said barely above a whisper. 

It took a minute for me to understand what she meant was okay, but when the tears slipped from my eye lashes and slid down my cheeks, I knew she was telling me it was okay to cry in front of her. 

"You were a kid, Alex. There was nothing more you could have done," she said, sliding her arms around my shoulders. "The time you guys did spend together probably kept him around longer."

I nodded slowly, sniffling a bit. "I wonder if he would be proud of me."

Brook smiled up at me, despite a few tears in her eyes. "He is proud, Alex."

"You think so?"

She nodded, wiping the tears off my cheek with the back of her hand. "I know I am."

I smiled at her. "Really?"

"Of course," she shrugged. 

I smiled a little wider and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her right. "Thank you," I whispered in her ear. 

"For what?" she asked when she pulled back from the hug. 

"Making me talk about this," I said with a shrug. "I haven't in a really long time and believe it or not, but it felt really good to let it out."

She smiled. "You're welcome. But I didn't make you do anything. You kept talking on your own."

"That's because you make it so easy to talk to."

She let out a very small laugh as she leaned into my side. "It's kind of my job," she said with a shrug. 

"Well, just thanks, I said, kissing her softly. 

"You're welcome," she smiled. 

I wrapped my arms around her again, holding her close to me. In that moment it dawned on me just how much Brook meant to me. I realized there was no way I could ever fuck this up. She was too damn perfect for me. And I was pretty sure I was falling in love with her- if I hadn't already fell. 

"So." I said once I released her again. "Can we please move on from the sad stuff now? Forever."

"Absolutely," she nodded. "I would love that."

"Good. Because there's more important things for us to spend our time talking about," I said. 

"Yeah," she said. "Like what?"

I smirked. "Like you coming to Hawaii."

She sighed. " Alex. I can't come to Hawaii."

"Yes, you can, Brook," I argued.

" I can't, Alex. The answer is no. Now stop."

I smirked again, leaning over and kissing her softly. " When have I ever taken no for an answer?"