April Showers
One
I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. Every bone in my body felt useless to me. I can hear the constant beeping of the heart monitor. I can see the line going flat, doctors and nurses rushing in trying to bring him back to life, but I knew he was dead.
That day I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and most importantly my only hope. It killed me knowing that I didn't have the ability to bring him back. I felt like I not only lost him but I lost myself too. Before I met him love didn't exist. I didn't believe that anyone can love someone for who they truly were, to accept them for the good and bad, the mistakes and regrets. I didn't think it was possible for someone to care so much for a person, to be faithful and spend the rest of their life with that one person. Love really wasn't love because you can never really love anyone, love isn't forever, love doesn't last a lifetime. I thought it was some sort of game, the goal was to break as many hearts as you can, crush their feelings so no one in the world will feel anything, no pain, no sorrow, nothing. For once we'll all be the same, emotionless.
The day of the funeral I was dressed in black, I liked the idea of disguising myself in dark colors, I felt I could hide myself from the rest of the world. I walked towards his casket holding in my tears, giving everything not to cry. I kissed his lifeless body goodbye and whispered I love you.
Outside it was pouring pain, and I could feel the rain drops dripping down my leg. I looked up towards the sky, although it was storming there was a single opening where light shined through. I thought of it as a sign. My life representing the storm and the little bit of light a new beginning or chapter in my life, although it was too good to be true. Everything happens for a reason right? I was still trying to find that reason. I wished that when I found it, that it would give me alittle more hope but I found myself being so cold-hearted before I met him, and now that he's gone he hasn't left me with anymore hope. I needed to be reminded everyday of how much he loved me. The simple I love you kept me going, it made me want to go on living because a million I love yous is a million more reasons to live. He was the only one who loved me for me and wasn't afraid to show it. He didn't care about the big things in life, he cared about the littlest things that made me smile. He used to say "your smile is worth a thousand watts" I missed that, I missed everything about him, the way he laughed, and the way his blue eyes reflected the light from the sun and I could never forget the way it met his eyes so perfectly.
A single tear rolled down my face as sat next to his grave, the grass was cold and everything around me was drenched with water from the rain. I sat there remembering every memory we had together, every moment we spent lying in each others arms. A rain drop landed on my cheek, one after another they fell. Before I knew it I was walking home in the pouring rain again, I watched the puddles dance up my leg and I listened to the sound of the rain hitting the ground. It was in the middle of spring and I haven't seen light in awhile. Rain was all we ever saw. Everything around me was so dull and had no color. I didn't mind it much because it was a mere image of myself.
"If it rained everyday, it would keep even the smallest smile on my face, only then no one could tell I was crying. There is so much that I'd love to tell you right now, but your not here. Before you died I wanted to tell you how amazing you were, I somehow couldn't find the right words to show you how much you meant to me. I don't think that I'd ever have that chance like that again. If God gave me a grain of sand for every second I have loved you, the world would be nothing but endless beaches. I promised you I'd never stop loving you, and I'm keeping that promise, forever and always."
When I got home the picture of us was lying on the floor. I closed my eyes and brought myself back to that summer. I could still smell the white daises and I could feel the grass on my leg, it was cold and I felt the wind blowing through my hair. I missed the warmth of you on my cheek, I never wanted to lose that feeling. I missed you and all I wanted was for you to come back to me. When I opened my eyes I saw you but not the real you, the you that was a part of my imagination and a memory waiting to die. I opened my hand and let the picture go. It was swept up by the ground and laid there, alone. The sound of silence entered the room, I put the picture back were it belonged, forcing myself to put them in the back of my mind.
I find reasons just to hate everyone in this world, and then when I realize it, the only thing I hate the most is myself. Its not like something I plan, it just happens naturally. I realize everyday that the only thing I have been so worried about is really just all my insecurity haunting me. I no longer believe in everyone is beautiful, because we all don't look the same. Beauty is only skin deep.
My thoughts ran through my head but they were silenced by the sound of the porch swing pacing back and forth. I looked up to the stars that filled the midnight covered sky, they were so tiny but I can make out each one of them. When I was three my father and I would lay in the grass, watching the stars. I miss them days the most because I knew my dad wasn't coming back. I wished for a shooting star to come my way. If I had one more wish I'd wish for him to be here with me to help me get through this.
That day I lost my boyfriend, my best friend and most importantly my only hope. It killed me knowing that I didn't have the ability to bring him back. I felt like I not only lost him but I lost myself too. Before I met him love didn't exist. I didn't believe that anyone can love someone for who they truly were, to accept them for the good and bad, the mistakes and regrets. I didn't think it was possible for someone to care so much for a person, to be faithful and spend the rest of their life with that one person. Love really wasn't love because you can never really love anyone, love isn't forever, love doesn't last a lifetime. I thought it was some sort of game, the goal was to break as many hearts as you can, crush their feelings so no one in the world will feel anything, no pain, no sorrow, nothing. For once we'll all be the same, emotionless.
The day of the funeral I was dressed in black, I liked the idea of disguising myself in dark colors, I felt I could hide myself from the rest of the world. I walked towards his casket holding in my tears, giving everything not to cry. I kissed his lifeless body goodbye and whispered I love you.
Outside it was pouring pain, and I could feel the rain drops dripping down my leg. I looked up towards the sky, although it was storming there was a single opening where light shined through. I thought of it as a sign. My life representing the storm and the little bit of light a new beginning or chapter in my life, although it was too good to be true. Everything happens for a reason right? I was still trying to find that reason. I wished that when I found it, that it would give me alittle more hope but I found myself being so cold-hearted before I met him, and now that he's gone he hasn't left me with anymore hope. I needed to be reminded everyday of how much he loved me. The simple I love you kept me going, it made me want to go on living because a million I love yous is a million more reasons to live. He was the only one who loved me for me and wasn't afraid to show it. He didn't care about the big things in life, he cared about the littlest things that made me smile. He used to say "your smile is worth a thousand watts" I missed that, I missed everything about him, the way he laughed, and the way his blue eyes reflected the light from the sun and I could never forget the way it met his eyes so perfectly.
A single tear rolled down my face as sat next to his grave, the grass was cold and everything around me was drenched with water from the rain. I sat there remembering every memory we had together, every moment we spent lying in each others arms. A rain drop landed on my cheek, one after another they fell. Before I knew it I was walking home in the pouring rain again, I watched the puddles dance up my leg and I listened to the sound of the rain hitting the ground. It was in the middle of spring and I haven't seen light in awhile. Rain was all we ever saw. Everything around me was so dull and had no color. I didn't mind it much because it was a mere image of myself.
"If it rained everyday, it would keep even the smallest smile on my face, only then no one could tell I was crying. There is so much that I'd love to tell you right now, but your not here. Before you died I wanted to tell you how amazing you were, I somehow couldn't find the right words to show you how much you meant to me. I don't think that I'd ever have that chance like that again. If God gave me a grain of sand for every second I have loved you, the world would be nothing but endless beaches. I promised you I'd never stop loving you, and I'm keeping that promise, forever and always."
When I got home the picture of us was lying on the floor. I closed my eyes and brought myself back to that summer. I could still smell the white daises and I could feel the grass on my leg, it was cold and I felt the wind blowing through my hair. I missed the warmth of you on my cheek, I never wanted to lose that feeling. I missed you and all I wanted was for you to come back to me. When I opened my eyes I saw you but not the real you, the you that was a part of my imagination and a memory waiting to die. I opened my hand and let the picture go. It was swept up by the ground and laid there, alone. The sound of silence entered the room, I put the picture back were it belonged, forcing myself to put them in the back of my mind.
I find reasons just to hate everyone in this world, and then when I realize it, the only thing I hate the most is myself. Its not like something I plan, it just happens naturally. I realize everyday that the only thing I have been so worried about is really just all my insecurity haunting me. I no longer believe in everyone is beautiful, because we all don't look the same. Beauty is only skin deep.
My thoughts ran through my head but they were silenced by the sound of the porch swing pacing back and forth. I looked up to the stars that filled the midnight covered sky, they were so tiny but I can make out each one of them. When I was three my father and I would lay in the grass, watching the stars. I miss them days the most because I knew my dad wasn't coming back. I wished for a shooting star to come my way. If I had one more wish I'd wish for him to be here with me to help me get through this.