April Showers
Two
Once you realize your past is just a story, it no longer has power over you. Someone once told me that. He's dead now. But he still lives on in my heart. I miss him everyday, because there’s no one else in the world that can know how I’m feeling at every second, every minute and every hour of the day.
I’m afraid of feeling. I’m afraid that I would feel so much pain again, but if I stop, would I ever look back? I don’t want to lose everything completely but I’m so lost in this I forget the person I am. I lose control of myself and I loss my hope. I think of myself as emotionless, because I know if I let myself get sucked into the things that I try so hard to keep myself away from I usually end up getting hurt in the long run. I know in my heart, I still pretend to care. But what if I wake up everyday pretending I have no care in the world, no reason to be happy or sad or anything would I get by just fine? Its so hard to feel again, the hurt and pain that I feel inside me is like a parasite that is constantly eating me away. The simple I'm okays is just a little white lie that people say, but in reality its a little voice screaming out for help. Its my help. Or atleast the help I’m wishing someone would notice that I’m in desperate need of.
I usually wake up to feeling completely miserable inside. By night I'm smothered in my misery. I don't know how to escape it but there's usually no way out. I'm surrounded by these four walls crying myself to sleep. Half the time I don't know what for because crying doesn't get me anywhere, it's not making me any happier and it's sure the hell not bringing Cody back. I've given up all my happiness, but I haven't lost my faith. I haven't gave up on god because I know he hasn't given up on me.
There's a point in your life where you given all that you had. And the only thing left is to escape from the pain. Have you ever felt so worthless that you just wanted to escape? I have. My weakness is that I care too much, and others care so little.
What sucks the most are them lonely nights where you don't know whether to eat, sleep or cry. But the worst part of it is you don't even know why. I have so many reasons to cry but tonight there isn't one. Not even one. My life sucked to begin with because I got tired of being used by everyone but the sad thing is that no one ever loved me for me. They never gave me a second of their time for me to prove that I'm capable of being loved. Cody changed that. It didn't matter to him how horrible I looked in the morning or if my hair wasn't perfect. He seen through that ugly makeup less face in the mirror that I couldn't bare to look at. I spent my whole life trying to please everyone around me when the only person I should be pleasing was me. In the end we'll all be alone so why waste a lifetime worrying about no one but yourself.
Now that I'm alone most of the time, I learned that there's no one in the world who actually knows who I am. I'm far from perfect, I don't have a perfect smile, perfect hair and not even a perfect life. But really, who is perfect? Every day there's that battle of life and death. Whether you live or not that’s up to god. But there's a thing called suicide and it's in my hands now and I think about it everyday. Not knowing what to do, that sight feeling of being lost. Like there is no way out. A nightmare that never goes away. The ghost that haunts me, follows me everywhere carrying that cloud of guilt above my head. I feel guilty almost everyday, I’m guilty for hurting the people I love. But I’m selfish because they hurt me just as bad.
I’m afraid of feeling. I’m afraid that I would feel so much pain again, but if I stop, would I ever look back? I don’t want to lose everything completely but I’m so lost in this I forget the person I am. I lose control of myself and I loss my hope. I think of myself as emotionless, because I know if I let myself get sucked into the things that I try so hard to keep myself away from I usually end up getting hurt in the long run. I know in my heart, I still pretend to care. But what if I wake up everyday pretending I have no care in the world, no reason to be happy or sad or anything would I get by just fine? Its so hard to feel again, the hurt and pain that I feel inside me is like a parasite that is constantly eating me away. The simple I'm okays is just a little white lie that people say, but in reality its a little voice screaming out for help. Its my help. Or atleast the help I’m wishing someone would notice that I’m in desperate need of.
I usually wake up to feeling completely miserable inside. By night I'm smothered in my misery. I don't know how to escape it but there's usually no way out. I'm surrounded by these four walls crying myself to sleep. Half the time I don't know what for because crying doesn't get me anywhere, it's not making me any happier and it's sure the hell not bringing Cody back. I've given up all my happiness, but I haven't lost my faith. I haven't gave up on god because I know he hasn't given up on me.
There's a point in your life where you given all that you had. And the only thing left is to escape from the pain. Have you ever felt so worthless that you just wanted to escape? I have. My weakness is that I care too much, and others care so little.
What sucks the most are them lonely nights where you don't know whether to eat, sleep or cry. But the worst part of it is you don't even know why. I have so many reasons to cry but tonight there isn't one. Not even one. My life sucked to begin with because I got tired of being used by everyone but the sad thing is that no one ever loved me for me. They never gave me a second of their time for me to prove that I'm capable of being loved. Cody changed that. It didn't matter to him how horrible I looked in the morning or if my hair wasn't perfect. He seen through that ugly makeup less face in the mirror that I couldn't bare to look at. I spent my whole life trying to please everyone around me when the only person I should be pleasing was me. In the end we'll all be alone so why waste a lifetime worrying about no one but yourself.
Now that I'm alone most of the time, I learned that there's no one in the world who actually knows who I am. I'm far from perfect, I don't have a perfect smile, perfect hair and not even a perfect life. But really, who is perfect? Every day there's that battle of life and death. Whether you live or not that’s up to god. But there's a thing called suicide and it's in my hands now and I think about it everyday. Not knowing what to do, that sight feeling of being lost. Like there is no way out. A nightmare that never goes away. The ghost that haunts me, follows me everywhere carrying that cloud of guilt above my head. I feel guilty almost everyday, I’m guilty for hurting the people I love. But I’m selfish because they hurt me just as bad.