April Showers
Three
I woke up today feeling completely worthless, sad, depressed, miserable, sorry, full of hate and most importantly I felt pain. Every one of these words are not even close to how I feel. Its a feeling that I cant explain. I've become empty, bitter, and cold. And in the middle of it all I’m wishing it was someone else besides me. Because I wonder how others would feel walking in my shoes. The days that are endless hours of tears. The nights that I somehow cant fall asleep. And the school that I call my own personal hell. I don’t think anyone can handle it. I’m loosing my mind. Its not just because of losing Cody. Its so much more than that. Since the day I was born my life was a mistake. I sometimes wish that I was never born so I wouldn’t have to face the real world of this thing called life.
Although I haven’t gave up on god, I still believe he has a reason for it. Is this just his way of testing how strong I can become? Will I make it through or will I fall? The questions are endless. But so they say everything happens for a reason. I’m hoping that god helps me find the reason. I wouldn’t still be alive if it wasn’t for my faith. I’m afraid of losing everything completely, although I’m not that far from losing it all. Its like a game of tug-of-war, but with only me on both ends of the rope. I’m battling myself in figuring out what’s right or wrong. Is suicide my answer or am I just a coward?
I walked through life just like my father did. I watched him fall in his own misery and I watched as he drank away his tears. I grew up without a mother, I grew up with a broken father. I guess it was always my destiny to end up just like him. My dad was my hero, until he finally drank himself to death. At the age of seven, I then had experienced love, misery and pain. But after my mom died, love no longer existed to me. I had experienced the struggle of love that my father went through from the beginning to the end of her death. You can call it a roller coaster if you want, from then on after watching my father suffer, I never believed in love because I didn’t want to end up just like him. After both of my parents deaths, I was forced to live with a foster family for the next two years. When I was ten I was adopted by my uncle who lived miles away from what I knew as home. This was only the beginning.
Although I haven’t gave up on god, I still believe he has a reason for it. Is this just his way of testing how strong I can become? Will I make it through or will I fall? The questions are endless. But so they say everything happens for a reason. I’m hoping that god helps me find the reason. I wouldn’t still be alive if it wasn’t for my faith. I’m afraid of losing everything completely, although I’m not that far from losing it all. Its like a game of tug-of-war, but with only me on both ends of the rope. I’m battling myself in figuring out what’s right or wrong. Is suicide my answer or am I just a coward?
I walked through life just like my father did. I watched him fall in his own misery and I watched as he drank away his tears. I grew up without a mother, I grew up with a broken father. I guess it was always my destiny to end up just like him. My dad was my hero, until he finally drank himself to death. At the age of seven, I then had experienced love, misery and pain. But after my mom died, love no longer existed to me. I had experienced the struggle of love that my father went through from the beginning to the end of her death. You can call it a roller coaster if you want, from then on after watching my father suffer, I never believed in love because I didn’t want to end up just like him. After both of my parents deaths, I was forced to live with a foster family for the next two years. When I was ten I was adopted by my uncle who lived miles away from what I knew as home. This was only the beginning.