I Miss Him

I lightly stepped around the headstones, making my way to my best friend’s grave. Tears were already streaming down my face, though I hadn’t even gotten to my destination. By the time I did, I was bawling, mascara running in lines down my cheeks. There it was. I kneeled, setting down a bouquet of red, white, and black roses and a bottle of Jimmy’s favorite alcohol.

“Hey, Jim-Jam. I miss you. Fucking hell, these past two years have been shit for me. I lost my job after taking off work after you died. Don’t blame yourself for that, blame my drinking and not accepting it. I still haven’t accepted it. Now, I just remember that day you said you would run into the woods and become the Knife Master? You’re still in the woods, training.

“Oh, what to talk about? Matt proposed to me, he did it on Christmas. I cried… like a baby I was so happy. I probably sound like a freak, sitting here talking to you, another freak. God I miss you, that’s all I can come up with right now. Oh, and Lara? She’s doing okay, still tore up and fucking quiet but okay. Have the others been here yet today? If they haven’t already I’m going to kick their asses for you. I.. Oh shit! I forgot your damn drumsticks in the car! I’ll be right back!”

I stood up, pulling the back of my one-of-a-kind Pinkly Smooth shirt and dashed to my BMW. My keys were still in the ignition and the car was locked. Just what I fucking needed.

“Sorry, Jims. I’ll have to give you the drumsticks when I get my other keys for my car from Matt. Back to where I was… Remember when we got offloaded because you and Johnny were so drunk? That was possibly the funniest thing I’d ever seen. Well, besides when you decided to go all ninja and walk around like a seal. Why did God have to take you, huh? He knew everyone loved you and that you had such a big, loving family. And the fans, I met a few on the street a few days after you passed and they looked just terrible. They looked like we all did at the moment.

“I got a plush duck the other day for some reason. It was seriously a big ass plush duck. I mean, it was huge. Like a Stallion duck.”

I continued to bring up old memories of what Jimmy, Matt, Brian, Zack, Johnny, and I had done over the years. I hadn’t noticed the light rain that began to fall but I did notice the thunder and lightning.

“I always knew you were still playing drums.” After I said that, all I heard was the thunder and rain hitting the ground around me.

I didn’t know what time it was when Matt came and found me. His arms wrapped around my cold body and pulled me in.

“Meghan, what are you doing out here in the pouring rain? I thought someone took you and you died. Your keys were still in the car when I walked up to it, making me think the worst and then I saw you sitting there, not moving. God, you scared the shit out of me!” Matt said into my ear.

I shivered. It was cold out from the rain but I was warming up from Matt’s body heat. The thunder rumbled again and I smiled. Matt’s expression was questioning before the puzzle clicked in his head.
“Hey, Jims. I know, I’ve been here like, three times already today but it’s just because I love you and miss you. Hey, Meg, did you tell him about the giant duck you got from a fan?”

“Yeah. It’s a big duck! It’s a fuckin’ Stallion duck and he’s not afraid at all!” I said, chuckling before crying, remembering the day when Brian showed me that video.

“MEGHAN. You’ve gotta watch what we did the other day!” Brian yelled, rushing up to me and shoving the camera in my face.

Sure enough, Jimmy was up to his usual antics. This time, chasing a goose. Or Stallion duck as he called it. I ended up watching the clip over and over because I couldn’t quit laughing at it and when Jimmy walked in the room, he walked back out, shaking his head because I was laughing at him and saying it was a goose.

“It’s not a damn goose, Meghan! It’s a fuckin’ Stallion duck!” he yelled as he walked back in with a Coke in his hand.

“I miss him, Matty.” I whispered into his shoulder.

“I miss him too. But he’s in a place of hope and no pain. His own little piece of heaven.”

“Did you just use two puns from two songs he wrote? Special, special Matthew.”

He smiled, dimples making me smile, pulled me off the ground and we headed back to the cars.

A moment seen through those eyes, crystal blue disguise…