Death by Desire

The cold air cleared my mind a bit as I all but sped to the school, wanting nothing more than to get away from home, away from my grandma’s voice that even now was ringing in my ears and echoing through my mind.

The lump in my throat grew in size and when I finally pulled into the parking lot I let myself break down, giving in to the gut-wrenching, soul-ripping sobs that tore me apart. A sharp tap on my window snapped me out of my misery and my blood ran cold as my eyes met Orion’s.

My first instinct was to ignore him, pretend he wasn’t there, but the other, more insistent instinct took over and I rolled down my window with one hand while wiping at my eyes with the other.

“Can I help you?” I asked.

He leaned in, so close that I could feel his minty breath cooling the tears on my cheeks when he spoke.

“You ok?”

I was taken aback momentarily, caught off guard by the sincerity in his voice.

“I’m fine” I said quickly, unbuckling my seatbelt and motioning for him to get out of the way so I could get out of my car. He did, but he held the door open for me and grabbed my bag before I could sling it over my shoulder.

“You sure?” he asked, shutting the door. I nodded hesitantly, wondering what he was getting at. “I don’t think you’re sure. I think you’re just saying that to get rid of me” he said, that familiar smirk now tugging at the corners of his perfectly shaped lips. Lips I couldn’t stop staring at…..

I shook my head quickly to clear my mind of the rapidly forming taboo thoughts. “I said I’m fine. Give me my bag and get out of my way.” He handed it over but followed me towards the school entrance. I couldn’t help but notice his cold dismissal of Pippa as she made her way over to him but stopped cold when she saw me. Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest, but even she couldn’t disguise the flash of hurt that sparked in her eyes.

Deciding it was better to just go on with my business, I made my way to my locker and opened it, transferring what I did and didn’t need. Orion continued to hover, not saying a word, just standing there. Finally, when it became clear I wasn’t going to say a word, he grabbed me roughly by the shoulders and faced me towards him.

A rush of heat made its way towards my cheeks and I looked down, instantly regretting it because it made me seem weak….”stop being so damn STRONG all the time” he growled, as if he could read my thoughts. Our eyes locked and he leaned in even closer, so close that we may as well have been kissing….taboo thoughts, taboo thoughts…

“Ditch with me.” He said.

I froze, and in that split second he grabbed my hand and pulled me with him around a corner, towards the stairway that led to the schools rooftop. “I can’t” I said, resisting even though I wanted to just leave common sense behind and go with him. “I’m already in deep shit with both your mom and my grandma and I’m not about to get in deeper.” He laughed, a low laugh that sounded as if he didn’t give a fuck-which he probably didn’t.

“My mom’s out of town, and I can get you a note easily. Those secretaries are so desperate for action and if it weren’t for my mom being their boss I probably would have been gang raped by them all by now. As for your grandma….” I cut him off as the bell rang.

“Sorry..and thanks. But, I’ve got to go.”

I walked away towards my first period Art Class, half expecting, full-on hoping he would stop me but he didn’t. Paranoia kicked in as I made my way in the class and towards my seat in the back. I liked art, and sitting in the back allowed me to concentrate as much as I could on whatever I happened to be working on.

The teacher gave us a new assignment, which was to create a juxtaposition piece, and immediately ideas began to form in my mind, centered around… “fire and ice” I whispered.

I began to sketch out a rough idea, and slipped on my earbuds, ipod blaring, so I could really get into it. The feeling of being watched jerked me out of my trance and I looked up to see the room empty except for Victoria, who was watching me, looking scared, as if I might snap her head off at any moment.

When did the bell ring?? I wondered, packing up my stuff and choosing not to say a word.

“So you’re just going to ignore me?” Victoria said when I reached my locker again to drop off my sketchbook. I turned to her, slamming the locker door loudly so that the metal clang echoed throughout the hallway. A couple of people turned towards us quickly, as if anticipating another fight.

I sighed and closed my eyes, rubbing my temples as the beginnings of a pounding headache began to form. Not ditching was becoming my biggest regret right about now.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked her. “Do you want me to apologize for beating the sense back into you last night? Do you want me to apologize for trying to get your ass back in line? For trying to save your fucking reputation, which was shattering apart with every slutty fucking grind you did on the table? You were stripping for fuck’s sake!!”

Victoria sniffed loudly and wiped away the tears pooling in her eyes. “Dammit” she muttered. “I just..fuck…” she was crying now, big snotty tears and choking, gasping sobs.

I hadn’t seen her this vulnerable since we were in elementary school. Better nature took ahold of me and I pulled her in for a hug and then led her down the hall and into a bathroom, where I shoved her into the giant stall. She slumped down against the wall and I sat on the toilet, and there we were, staring at each other.

“I’m sorry” she said finally. “I’m sorry for being a fucking bitch, and for fighting back, and for just…fucking up.”

I shrugged. “This is why I’m here. I’ve known you since birth, I’m not going anywhere.”

She reached up for a hug and I returned it and then made her wipe her face. We unlocked the stall and she immediately rushed to the mirror to begin reapplying the makeup that had disappeared with her tears.

“So what happened with you last night?” she asked. I shrugged, not really wanting to tell her anything. “I guess I came home late cause my grandmother flipped out on me this morning” I said, running my hands through my hair, pulling at it, still trying to relieve the slow throbbing of the headache.

She made a sympathetic noise, knowing that when my grandma was pissed, the devil himself would be scared. The bell rang and I left her, heading to my next class, math, which I didn’t particularly enjoy, but did well enough that my grandmother didn’t get on my ass about it- which meant straight A’s.

Luckily, my teachers were all pretty understanding, knowing that I worked harder than most students because after my parents death’s, not working hard was not an option I could even consider with my grandma as my guardian.

Her influence in society was such that she made it clear she’d have no trouble letting me live on my own with no money, no car, and no ability to get a job. The woman was filthy rich, having influence in major companies and even the small businesses of the city and I believed her completely when she said she’d make it so that if I disobeyed her she’d ruin my chances of ever getting a job. It’s not like I didn’t love her though, because she was there for me, allowing me the space I needed to cope with my sadness after my parents deaths, and getting the bastard who’d raped me a life sentence in prison.

While the teacher droned on and on about the values of “x” and “y” divided by the product of some impossibly large number, I stared out the window and blanked out, my mind drifting back and forth between the night I found out I had to go identify my parents bodies, and the night I was raped.

‘Iris…Iris” I heard someone calling me and I jerked my eyes open to see my teacher leaning on the desk, genuine concern in her eyes. “I am so sorry” I apologized and she smiled gently. “it’s ok…I understand you’re dealing with a lot right now after last night?” My eyes widened and she laughed. “It’s amazing what technology can do. That video woke me up in the middle of a perfectly good night’s sleep. Are you ok?”

I sighed. “I guess….” She rubbed my arm. “If you need to speak to anyone, I’m always available. You know that.” I nodded. “Thank You.”

She turned to go back to her desk when an idea hit me. “Actually, do you think it’s possible to write me an excuse out of school? I need to visit the cemetery and-“ she cut me off with a nod. “absolutely. Make sure you have the assignment tommorow though, and are prepared for the test.” I nodded, grateful. She handed me a slip with a sympathetically sincere smile. “I mean that. My door’s always open.”

I whispered a grateful thank you and then slipped out the door towards my locker. “Where are you going?” Victoria asked. She was waiting for me so that we could go to Starbucks like we usually did during our 15 minute nutrition break. “I have to go. I can’t handle being here.” She raised an eyebrow. “Well, call me later, ok?” I nodded absentmindedly, opened my locker, grabbed my locker, and all but ran outside to my car, flashing my note at the security guard that stood at the school’s entrance.

Once inside and behind the wheel, I felt calm, relaxed. I’d be with my parents soon, or as close as I could get without actually being dead. I shoved the keys in the ignition and hit the gas then slammed hard down on the brakes when a figure stepped into my path.

“Holy shit!” I screamed.

“You fucking IDIOT” I spat out as Orion came around to my window, laughter dancing in his eyes.

“Leaving so soon?” he asked. I nodded, my hands tightening on the wheel. “I’d leave sooner if you get out of the way” I said. He shook his head. “Let me go with you.”

I was about to protest but the tone of his voice and the serious look now in his eyes made me realize it would be pointless. “Fine” I said. He left to his car and I waited until he drove up beside me before finally heading out. The sky was beginning to get cloudy, and I hoped it would rain soon.

Orion was following closely behind me and I smirked. This was the last place he’d probably be expecting me to head to. The cemetery was beautiful, especially in this weather, and the rain always made me feel closer to my parents. I parked at the bottom of their burial site and got out of the car. Orion pulled up beside me, and as I knew he would, had a look of confusion in his eyes. He quickly disguised it though, and didn’t say a word, for which I was grateful.

I didn’t want to, nor felt as if I should explain anything, least of all to him. The walk up was quick and soon I was settled at the base of the weeping willow tree that loomed over their headstone like some sort of guardian angel.

“Hey mom, hey dad” I whispered, and a gentle, icy breeze played around me. “I miss you so much…” my voice trailed off as I continued the conversation in my mind.

The things I said to them were private, and not even Orion Fiamma could get past that, entitled as he was to everything else.

To his credit, he didn’t say a word, just waited patiently, a blank expression on his face but an understanding in his eyes. I soon forgot he was there and fully allowed myself to cry, to mourn my parents, to just be me without all the walls I put up and hid behind on a daily basis. When I was done, I knelt to kiss the cool stone headstone.

“I’ll be back soon” I whispered, and then stood up and turned away to leave.

“Finished?” he asked, and I nodded. He offered me his leather clad arm and hesitantly I took it. It was cold, the way I liked it, but the gesture was unexpectedly…sweet.

“Let’s go for a walk” he mumbled and so I followed him down the hill and we began to make our way along the path. Neither of us said a word and so I spoke first, needing answers to the questions forming in my mind.

“Why are you here?” I asked. He chuckled softly. “I thought I made that clear that day in class. I think we should start talking…on your terms if you wish, so long as we are, in fact, talking.”

I raised an eyebrow. “The way you say “talking” implies so much more, and I thought I had made it clear, I’m not interested.”

His eyes traveled downward to my hand tucked into his arm and quickly I pulled it away. His expression immediately darkened, saddened, but I didn’t care.

“What did I ever do to you?” he choked out.

I rolled my eyes to keep the words from escaping my lips.

“Tell me” he insisted, stopping and turning to face me.

Inside my mind, there was a war raging. TellhimtellhimtellhimnononotellhimnotellhimnotellhimnononoTELLHIM!

“You were there the night I was raped and you didn’t do a damn thing to help me” I blurted out.

His eyes darkened even more and he seemed momentarily at a loss for words. I took that chance to just get it all out there.

“It was at some party, yours, I think, and I was with-“ the name caught in my throat and I had to force it out. “Hunter. You went out to the backyard and he was finishing up with me and you saw me and just turned away. You left me there. I called for help but you walked away, taking Hunter in the house with you.”

The memory of that night began to fully unfold in my mind. I had been carefree, in love, eager to have sex with the one I thought I loved the most..and then he’d ripped my pleasure from my body, demanded it, forced it out by way of blood and screams.

How he’d thrown me onto the cold, wet grass, yanked my pants away, shoved his way into me, ripping me apart piece by piece. He’d forced me to pleasure him as well, jamming his dick so far down my throat I thought I’d die by that alone.

Forcing me from behind as well. Pounding into me over and over and over and over until I couldn’t stand and even then he wouldn’t stop. Slapping, kicking, punching me. Biting me down there to “soften me up”. Orion appearing, and I reached out a hand, calling out a weak “help”.

Our eyes meeting, but he reached for Hunter instead, handed him another beer, pulling him inside.

“I swear, I didn’t know” Orion’s voice brought me back. "he told me you two had had a fight and you wanted to be alone…he wouldn't let me go see if you were ok." I rolled my eyes. "Bullshit. You know the kind of power you have, and you let a single "no" stop you?"

Orion sighed deeply. "I know it's not much but i was drunk too. I wanted my fun and so I let it go. If I had known…" his hands fisted tightly and his jaw clenched. I kicked at the ground, still angry, but satisfied that I could use Orion as an outlet.

"It's a bit late for that. Hunters in prison for life and you're still the one everyone wants."

His breathed hitched and the space between us was gone.

"But you're the only one I want" he growled and then his lips were on mine.

I pulled away quickly and raised my hand to slap him. "You fucking ass-" the slap never came. Instead, I found my hand resting on his surprisingly rough cheek.

He held it there, his fingers intertwining with mine. "Just let go" he said."

I shook my head, because I knew that was impossible. I couldn’t just not be strong…strength was all I had and all that kept me going. It gave me some control, which is what I needed.

His eyes bore into mine and his other hand reached up to cup my chin gently. I felt a part of myself slipping so I said the first thing I could think of that brought me back down to earth. “What about you and Pippa? Aren’t you two toge-“

He cut me off with a cold glare. “No. We’re nothing. Just friends.” I rolled my eyes and stepped away from him. “Really? You might want to let her in on that. She seems to have some issues.” He ran his fingers through his hair and my fingers twitched as I fought the urge to replace his fingers with my own.

“Look. We’re..or we were friends, but now I’m not even sure we’re that. I know she told you to stay away from me and I’m not pleased with that. That wasn’t her business so for that I’m sorry. I apologize.”

I nodded, contemplating if I should say what I wanted to say.

“What?” he asked. I bit my lip and his eyes immediately locked in on it, sending a blush rushing through to my cheeks. “Nothing” I mumbled. “It’s not important.”

I didn’t want to ask him if the rumors were true, that he and Pippa had hooked up. I mean, I knew they were true, I wasn’t stupid, but to hear it from him would make it all the more difficult to bear.

“We should get going” he said as the wind picked up. I waved him on. “I’m not done here. You can go.”

He hesitated and then slipped out of his leather jacket. “Take it. Please.”

Butterflies erupted in the pit of my stomach and I had to literally bite back the smile creeping up on my lips. He smirked as if he knew exactly what I was feeling. I reached for it but didn’t put it on, so he took it and draped it around my shoulders.

“See you later” he said and then just turned and walked away.

I watched him go, glad he didn’t push to stay, grateful he understood that I needed this alone time. The weather was cold, icy, winter at full force, but inside I was hot as hell’s fire. “What am I getting myself into?” I wondered aloud…

************************************************************************

When I got home, the rain was coming down full-force. It was as if all the angels up in heaven had decided to get together and cry. I wondered briefly if my parents were there as well, or watching me dry-eyedfrom some other cloud.

I had wandered the cemetery for hours, trying to find answers to all the questions racing through my mind, but with no luck. Now, I had to face my grandmother and her interrogation. The thought of it had my stomach turning in knots and a headache began to pound at my temples in a tortuously slow, mocking rhythym.

“I’m home!” I called out before rushing to my room to change out of my cold, slightly damp clothes and drop down my bookbag and books.

Once I was comfortably dressed in a pair of sweatpants and a faded thermal, fuzzy socks on my feet and my hair in a braid down my back, I went downstairs and nearly ran into one of the many maids employed by grandmother.

“Su abuela no está en casa. Ella tuvo que hacerse cargo de algunos negocios, pero le indica que debe terminar sus estudios y cenar sin ella. Ella te veré en la mañana y le desea una buena noche.” she said.

I nodded, slightly relieved but dissapointed as well.

“Gracias Olivia. Les puede traer la comida a mi cuarto?” She smiled and nodded. “Claro que si” and disappeared off into the kitchens.

I headed back up into my room. So my grandmother wouldnt be back until tommorow morning….this definitely had some upsides. My eyes traveled to the stack of textbooks on my desk and all thoughts of going out vanished. I pulled out my copy of “Beowulf” and opened it up, dreading the thought of deciphering all the old english text that was the homework assignment.

Minutes later, Olivia was knocking on my door, a tray of caldo de albóndigas, some tortillas, and a glass of jamaica in her hands. I motioned for her to set it down on the desk and she did and then left as quickly as she had come. Readying myself for another long night of studying, I settled in, hoping the thoughts that had formed in the cemetary would go away, but knowing that was just wishful thinking.