Yesterday's Feelings

It was funny how even time could change things. They say that time heals old wounds. Maybe it's just my parents' death was so much bigger than any pain I was feeling at the time from Eric, that now, everything that happened then seems so trivial. Seeing Eric, a little shocking at first, but, I think it was much akin to ripping off a bandaid— no matter which way you pull it, it's still going to hurt, if only for a few seconds.

I had to admit, seeing Eric with Eli was cute. Cute in the way that he was so happy with the little guy in his arms. It was one thing that I was glad to see. Even if he had been "tricked" in to the situation, even if his blood wasn't running through the little man's veins, that it didn't matter to him. Everything else was so trivial— a minor detail at best.

Danielle and I spent most of the next couple of days adjusting to the time and, well, warming up to Sensi and Gwen. We didn't have dogs or cats or pets of any sort back home so encountering a pet in someone's home was a whole new ball game for Danielle. However, the dogs took to Danielle as much as she took to them.

"Danielle! Dinner!" I called from the back patio, looking out in John's enormous yard to see Danielle running around in the grass with them. Danielle was laughing and smiling as she came running up to me, the two dogs not far behind her. "Come on, go wash up." I said, following her in to the kitchen to wash her hands.

Eric had set the table, Eli in his high chair, John was putting the last pieces of dinner on the table. Shrimp and crab alfredo. It smelled so wonderful and it was easy to make. Danielle and I joined the guys at the table. John sat at one head, Eric at the other, I was on John's right, Danielle to my right, and Eli to Eric's right.

I was dishing Danielle's plate with a little of the pasta when she looked up at me, "Sissy, can we stay here for ever?" She asked.

It was quite an out of the blue question, one that I was not wholly prepared for. I wasn't even sure I wanted to stay here for ever. John and I were still.. feeling each other out of sorts. I didn't really know another way to put it. "Oh honey, I wish we could but I have to go back to work and you have to go back to school." I said, "Besides, I know you'd miss all your friends way, way too much."

Danielle looked sad, "I could make new ones!" She insisted.

"Honey, we'll talk about it later. Eat." I looked at John and Eric who were both snickering and shot them the dirtiest looks I could muster at the table, which, only made them both laugh. It wasn't funny. They knew it wasn't funny.

Danielle begrudgingly poked at her dinner with her fork as we all ate. Eric had won custody of Eli, though according to John and Eric, he'd had to jump through a load of hoops to even be considered to win. John was still going through an ever-revolving cast of house-mates. His latest acquirement had been Eric and Eli, which, in all honesty didn't surprise me. Usually where there was one Jackson, the other was not too far behind.

The next day John took Danielle and I out to see the big town, which actually was really small. We ended up in Reno, mostly walking around town and looking at their 'tall' buildings. When living in New York, I suppose everything else paled in comparison. We played games at Circus Circus for a few hours (kids games, not gambling), had lunch at In-N-Out (a must if you're ever in California), and wandered through all the local shops.

I was carrying Dani, who had fallen asleep, as we walked along a small pathway along the Truckee river. It was a small park with a bridge. We stopped right at the bridge over the river and watched the people, the birds nearby. "Thanks, for letting us come out and hang out." I said, looking up at John.

John smiled as he looked at me with his light blue eyes and couple days of beard growth, "Come on, I like having you and Dani out here. Makes my down days less boring and more tolerable. Besides, I kind of missed you since I last saw you."

I couldn't help but smile at the last sentence, "Oh, so you missed me?" I asked, coming closer towards John. It was hard with Danielle on my hip, but, I could make it work.

John chuckled and nodded, standing up a little straighter as he looked at me, "Well, sort of. You know, just a little." He teased, looking at me.

I rolled my eyes and laughed, reaching out and lightly hitting John's chest, "Uh huh, just a little. You mean you calling me every week wasn't you missing me just a little?" I asked the older, smirking at him.

"Alright, alright." John put both of his hands in defense before he brought them down, one arm around me, one on Dani's back, "I missed you a lot. both of you." John said, leaning down and pressing a soft, slow, deliberate kiss to my lips.

I was taken by surprise just a little, but I still returned the kiss. I wasn't going to lie, I was sort of waiting for John to kiss me. It brought back memories of John and I kissing on Eric's doorstep. Only this time, this kiss wasn't filled with any sort of guilt in any way. It felt.. right.

Later that night when the kids were put down, John had built a fire in his fire pit. I sat on a log, sweatshirt pulled on. It wasn't really cold, it was more for comfort. I watched John build the fire and it reminded me of my first time visiting his house. He'd just bought it. It was a weekend get away from the rigors of dealing with.. something. It was so long ago now that I don't remember the whole deal.

I did remember however, sitting around the fire, curled up with John, just as we were now. A lot of things had clearly changed since then.

"Blow it out! Blow it out!" Eric shouted as I brought the flaming marshmallow up to my face.

Then again, some things hadn't, Clearly I was still the queen of burning marshmallows.

I laughed as I extinguished the burnt treat and picked off the black outer crust and popped it in my mouth, "Mmm."

John made a face, "Oh god, you actually eat the burnt part? Gross!" He said laughing.

It was a quiet night, all of us, together. It didn't feel awkward with Eric there. As a matter of fact, it felt like friends just hanging out all together at a bonfire in someone's back yard. It was the first time, in a long time, that I felt like I belonged. Not that I didn't 'belong' at work in New York, with my friends and the other school moms. But, you know that feeling where you know that you're missing something, you just can't pin-point it? I think I found what I'd been missing.