Yesterday's Feelings

Eric and I were out in Truckee, I was holding Eli as we browsed through a toy store. It was a relaxed afternoon. I let Danielle sleep in and John said he had work to catch up on, mostly office stuff, so if Eric and I wanted to hang we could. Eric decided to take full advantage of the opportunity, and well, I didn't blame him.

I picked up a little blue pair of Child's size sunglasses and slid them on Eli's face, "There you go bud, now you look just like dad." I said, turning the toddler towards Eric who laughed.

"You are having too much fun with him. You know that don't you?" Eric asked as he picked up a toy car from the shelf and made car noises with it toward Eli.

I nodded some as I balanced the toddler on my hip, "Yeah, but I missed out on when Danielle was this little." I paused, "When I went back to New York she was older by then, almost four." I shrugged a little as I picked out a little toy horse for Danielle. She liked horses, though I was one to bet that dogs would soon be her forte instead.

Eric made a face, "Oh. I didn't know." he said, "Sorry." His voice was quiet, as though he was apologizing for doing something wrong when in reality, there was almost no way he could've known that.

"No big deal." and the rest was forgotten.

We headed to small, local cafe for lunch where we sat Eli in a high chair at the end of our booth. The waitress recognized Eric and Eli right away. She was an older type, gray hairs, wrinkles, and a smile that wouldn't quit. She plunked down a couple of supersize crayons and a kids menu for Eli to color on. She reminded me of a doting grandmother.

She took our orders and whisked away our menus, leaving Eric and I alone at the table once again. I looked down in to my coffee a little as Eric adjusted his hat, a hand pushing through his hair. He only did that on two occasions and I don't think he was nervous. We were about to have to a serious conversation.

"I see the way you look at John." Eric said to me, watching me for some kind of.. reaction, as if I would blow up on him.

I simply looked at Eric as I brought the coffee cup to my lips, "and which way is that Eric?" I asked, sipping away at my drink.

Eric looked at the table a little and then back at me, "Like the way you used to look at me." Eric said.

I chuckled a little and sighed, "I used to look at you a lot of ways Eric. It ended up being sideways most of the time."

Eric laughed, "I don't mean like that." He paused, "I mean, you look at him like he's fucking superman—"

I quickly interjected, "If your brother is fucking superman, than, I sir, have been barking up the wrong tree for a while."

I was only teasing but it made Eric laugh, even as the waitress brough us our food, "That's not funny and you're killing all the seriousness in this conversation. I guess I mean I'm glad you two like each other. I just wish, maybe a little, that you still looked at me like the way you look at him."

"What way do I look at him Eric?" I asked, still a little perplexed.

Eric smiled a little, "You get this little sparkle in your eye when you look up at someone, when you care about them so deeply. You used to look up at me and smile and I could see that sparkle." Eric paused, "I see it when you look at Dani and John, I know you care for him, a lot more than you care for me."

I rolled my eyes and swallowed my bite of breakfast food, "Eric, I do not care for John more than I care for you. That's a little insane." I pointed out, "Besides, John and I are friends. This is just a vacation for Danielle and I. He invited us out when y'all were in New York earlier this year."

Eric nodded, "You think you'll ever look at me like that ever again?" He asked, looking at his breakfast and then at me.

"Does a snowball have a chance in hell?" I asked. "I really don't know. I just want to be friends with you, that's all." I said, not wanting to make anyone's lives more complicated than they already were. "Can everyone just settle on being friends for now?" I asked.

The honest truth was, I wanted to be more than friends with John. John and I were working our way there slowly but surely. While I couldn't stay in the same bed with John as we had done in New York, I told myself it was the little things. A glance here, a smile there. The whole day out in Reno. It was the little things that had me looking at John the way I was. He was a good man, he always had been, but this time, it wasn't just a cloy to get Eric to bite at the carrot dangling in front of him. It was real.

Since we were having a 'Serious' conversation, maybe it was time for Eric to answer a question that had been plaguing my own mind. The biggest one of all, since we were on the subject of people being more than friends.

I paused my eating for a moment and briefly prodded at my eggs before looking at Eric pointedly, "How come after I left, when my mom and step-dad died, you didn't follow me out to New York?" my voice was quiet. It felt, just a little bit, like I was ripping that band-aid off one more time, only a hell of a lot slower than I should have been tearing. It still hurt to think about, even though I knew it shouldn't have.

Eric grimaced as soon as the words left my lips, as though he knew I was going to ask the question. Eric looked at me and then away from me. I figured it hurt him as much to answer the question as much as it had hurt me to ask it. He turned back to me, biting his lip, "I was dumb." Eric said, "I thought you wouldn't have wanted me there." He sighed, "I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to be there."

Things could have turned out very different if Eric had been there. I know that much now. Hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it? "Eric, I needed you there. Regardless of what we had been going through at the time." I watched him and looked at Eli a little, "It made it harder without you there. I had no one." I admitted, watching the older as he just stared in to his glass of water.

"I just didn't think you wanted someone you hated so much in your life at a point when things were rough." Eric looked at me with those baby blues. "I mean, John told me what happened, I tried to call—"

"No, Eric. You didn't try to call." I interrupted the older stating the truth. Maybe my tone was a bit more biting than I thought because Eric winced a little. "I would have remembered if you had. I'd have called you back so fast it would have made your head spin." I said, "The only one who called was John." and Eric wondered why I had moved on. Truth of the matter was, I remembered a lot of tears, a lot of late-night calls with John at that time. He was the rock I needed, even if he couldn't be there in person, I knew he was always a phone call away when I needed a sound voice.

"Why are we fighting about this, why now? It's done and over with so why are you bringing it up now?" Eric asked as the waitress came to take our plates and leave the bill. "We can't change the past and you've moved on. We both have. No point in bringing up old things now."

"Maybe some of us needed closure more than others." I remarked as I reached for the bill, though Eric snatched it from under my hands.

"Don't even think about paying." He grumbled as he dug in his pocket for his wallet.

"Eric." I said, giving the older a stern look as I finished my coffee, or what dribble was left of it.

It wasn't that I wanted to pay, well, I did. I felt bad, he made me feel almost guilty, for bringing up how come he didn't come. Like it was my fault he didn't come. I guess, maybe, in some weird way it was. I never told him not to come. Then again, I never told him to come either.

The older man just looked at me as he plunked his card on the table, the waitress coming by to grab it.

I couldn't believe the words that were about to exit my mouth, "I'm sorry."

In all honesty, I didn't really know what I was apologizing for. Maybe it was for opening old wounds and then fighting with him about it. Maybe I was subliminally apologizing for moving on with John, right in front of the other man. I didn't know what it was for, but I felt like, to some degree, it needed to be said.