Yesterday's Feelings

They say that home is where the heart is. If that's indeed true, I seem to have left my heart in Nevada. While leaving, it seems, has always been my strong suit, I don't think I had ever had quite the attachment. In-fact Danielle was kicking and screaming nearly the whole way through the airport. She wanted John, Sensi, and Gwen to come with us. It was hard to watch, she had become so attached to the idea of John and I. That us being there was a sure thing, that it would be permanant.

I could only calm her so much. She was behaving exactly as I was feeling. She calmed as we began to board the plane and eventually tired herself out the whole flight, until we had to land. If there was anything that I was grateful for on this trip, it's that poeople often mistook Dani for my daughter and, as much as I hate to admit, I got a fair amount of help from stewardesses and gentlemen along the way.

By the time Dani and I had arrived in New York, it had been a whole day of travel, I was exhausted, as was she. We settled in to our beds and prepared, begrudgingly, for the days to come. We were jet-lagged, tired, cranky. Danielle was almost daily refusing to go to school and I had a severe aversion to wanting to go to work. We both were still in the 'Vacation' mindset.

It was my first day back at work, I was busy settling in to my typical routine. E-Mail this, fax that, call this judge, if this other judge calls take a message, hold all my calls. It was as though I had never left, except one thing: John was still on my mind.

John would be on my mind all week long. Through every meeting, through every phone call, fax, e-mail, and even lunch. I touched the necklace every time I thought of him. Even when the staff was out at a bar near the firm. I was only staying for a quick drink but the other receptionists had noticed the necklace. I guess it was my fault for touching it all week.

"Come on, tell us about the trip, we want to know!" Judy howled over her beer. She by far was the biggest gossip and had the biggest mouth of anyone in the office and she was one of our legal assistants.

"Yeah, come on Ari." Colin asked as he brought us all a round of drinks, "How was your trip?"

"Yeah, tell us about that necklace too, you've been rubbing that thing like a genie is going to spring out of it." Judy remarked.

I rolled my eyes and laughed, "Okay, okay I'll tell you." I said, chuckling, "It was perfect. I had a lot of fun and if a genie popped out of this necklace, I'd be completely surprised." I said, though I took a more serious tone, "He wants me to move there."

The raucous group grew quiet, it was like I had said something dangerous. Colin finally spoke up, "Move? You can't be serious Ari. You're practically a legal assistant, I'd lose my left leg without you outside my office." Colin said.

I shrugged, "I don't know, I haven't made a final decision." I gulped down the rest of my drink. "I mean, ok, so I move. Things go south, I have Danielle. She's already attached, she kicked and screamed all the way through the airport." I pointed out, "So things go south and then what. I've sold the house in New York, moved Danielle and myself away from any friends or family and everyone we've ever known. I'm stuck." I shook my head.

Judy shook her head, "Honey, if the man is worth all the trouble of flying out and spending a week with him and Your girl is already attached, You may as well just move."

Colin nodded, "You worry far too much for your own good, but you know that."

It was a strange feeling. To know that I had people who would support my decision to move across the country was nice and comforting, but at the same time scary. By the time I got home and made dinner with Danielle, I was rethinking my decision to even stay in New York. Judy had a bit of a point. If John was worth flying out to see, if Dani was already that attached, what was honestly keeping me in New York?

I was scared. It was a huge deal. I wasn't sixteen anymore. I couldn't just run away from my problems, which these days, seemed to be MO. I was always running from things and my head was telling me to run from this, from John. My head told me that this could possibly be a bad idea, think about Dani, what would your mom and dad say if they were alive and knew about this. You hardly know John.

My heart, on the other hand, told me to run to John, that I knew him better than I thought. John had always been there from the very beginning, from the very first day. He had always cared and had always made an attempt to talk to me. I had to be frank. Eric had made me happy but John, I felt in truth, that John had always made me feel happier. Even in the worst of situations, he had that instant pick me up effect that Eric never really had.

Plus, John had been the first for a few things, ones that still stuck out in my mind as though they'd happened yesterday. He was the first guy I ever platonically shared a bed with, the first guy I ever kissed. When I tried to cancel because Dani was sick, he showed up anyways and stayed in with us. Plus, John and I had never had a single fight, not once.

I'd only been home a grand total of two weeks, it was a late night, nearly one in the morning in New York when I called and left a message for John, "Hey, it's me." I paused, "I've been thinking," I took a deep breath, "I miss you, Dani misses you. I want Dani and I to be there with you." It was all i could say, my voice fading out as I hung up the phone.

There was no going back now.