Yesterday's Feelings

I always thought my life would be.. different. I wouldn't have been homeless, parentless, nor raising my sister. I never saw my life taking the turns that it did. Neither did a lot of people. I think that's why Colin and the rest of the firm were so surprised when I announced I was leaving. I don't think any of them saw me with the potential to move on from what had happened with my mom and Gene. I had barely moved on from what had happened with my dad.

But the time had come for me to move on. Dani and I put the house up for sale and loaded the moving truck. Dani was, I think, a little sad to be moving. I knew she would miss the city and everything about it, as would I, but a change of scenery would be good for her. A new adventure, for the both of us.

One last stop still remained. I held Danielle's hand as we entered the cemetary, flowers in each of our hands. The walk through the lush green grass felt like it took for ever. Dani and I stopped at the graves of our mother and my father (and Gene, his ashes were here too).

If there was one thing I had learned in the last several years about raising Danielle, it was that sometimes she asked questions, that even I didn't exactly know how to answer. This, I was afraid was one of those times. Danielle looked at me as i knelt down and opened the vases for us, "Sissy." She said with a pause, "What do I do if I miss mommy after we leave?"

I looked at Danielle as I was knelt down in the grass. I looked at her face, trying to think of any answer, the best answer to the question. "Well, honey," I started pausing a little to put my flowers in my father's vase before turning back to her, "Mommy.. She's always in here." I said, pointing to her heart, "So, even if we can't be here to drop off flowers for her, she's always with us." I tried to explain. I wasn't doing a very good job at it. "Sometimes I talk to her."

Danielle's face went from perplexed to her face lighting up and her eyes going big. I helped her put the flowers in the vase and pulled a bottle of water from my jacket pocket, pouring some water in each vase, "You talk to her?" she asked.

I nodded, "Sometimes. When I pray, I talk to her. My daddy and Gene too." I said, looking at my sister as we both stood looking at the graves.

Danielle smiled some, "So it's okay if I talk to mommy when I pray?"

I smiled and gave Danielle's hand a soft squeeze, "Honey, it is very much okay to talk to Mommy and Gene when you pray. I know they both miss you very, very much."

Danielle smiled as she hugged my waist tightly. I let out a soft sigh as I hugged her against me. As much as I always wanted to talk about my mom and Gene, and my dad, it was usually a subject that was rarely if ever broached. It still hurt too much, even just to talk. Danielle seemed to talk about it far more than I did, which, I suppose had to do with her being so young. I was still guarded.

I was still guarding myself from a lot of things. I let very few people in to my life, to me, to Danielle after the accident. Colin and John were the only two I had ever really trusted enough after everything with Eric and my parents' death. No one else, not even Eric now, would be trusted enough to tell everything to.

The day came for us to leave. We grabbed the very last of our things and headed for the airport shuttle. My car had been sold. Danielle had said goodbye to all her friends. John had called to tell me our things had arrived and him and the roommates had begun to unpack everything for us, so there was no need for us to really do anything once we got there.

After almost a full travel day with layovers and potty breaks and lots of games on an ipad, we arrived at the airport in Reno. I had to practically hold on with all my might to Danielle as she ran to the baggage claim. I was laughing as I let her pull me along eagerly, trying not to let go of her. "Come on Ari, John is waiting for us." she shouted.

"Babygirl, John will still be there in a few minutes. We need to wait." I said following her and just letting her pull me along. It was hard to hold back my own excitement. Phone calls just weren't enough anymore. I missed John, I missed his smile, his smell, the way his dreads even tickled my neck when we hugged, I missed everything about John.

"Come. On!" Danielle shouted as we hurried together down the escaltor to the baggage claim. She was holding on to my hand for dear life.

Danielle let out a squeal of excitement and let go of my hand as she spotted John (He's kind of hard to miss really). She ran to him with open arms, laughing. Very clearly he made my sister happy, which was a good thing. He made me happy too and that was an even better thing. John scooped her up with a smile and hugged her tightly.

I slowed my run after Danielle and continued the short walk over to John and Danielle, smiling. He put Danielle down, but he promised it would be just for a minute, before he wrapped his long, tan, muscled arms around me. I wrapped my arms around him and just, inhaled. He smelled so wonderful.

"I missed you." I whispered against his chest, my hands spread eagle on the back of his shirt, just rubbing over his muscled shoulders.

John pulled back and gave me a gentle kiss on the lips, "I missed you too. The both of you." John said, his finger moving to brush over my cheek as him and I pulled away a bit. John was smiling bigger than I had ever seen him smiling, "Come on, let's get your bags and go home."

It was no longer 'his place' or 'my place'. It was 'home'.

It felt good to be home.