Yesterday's Feelings

They say that time heals all wounds, and that with time, anything can fix itself. I suppose it is true. Rachel and I very obviously were at our throats just years ago, ready to kill each other. Maybe it was because of what I went through with my parents' death and what Rachel and Eric went through with Eli, but, we both seemed calmer, more mature.

Eli was down for a nap and Dani was at a friends house down the way which left just Rachel and I with the house to ourselves. She was picking up Eli's things and I was picking up Dani's things she'd left strewn across the house.

"You'd think as much as we pick up this place with the two of us, it would stay clean." Rachel said, laughing as her hands overflowed with some of Eli's toys.

I looked on as Rachel dropped the toys in a toybox in the playroom, "You know it's just going to get worse when the boys get back. Stuff will be everywhere."

Rachel sighed and closed the lid on the plastic toybox and then sat on it. "I don't even want to think about that." She said, pushing her hair from her face as I folded Dani's jacket and let it sit over the edge of the couch.

The truth of the matter was, despite all the time together, we hardly talked about the past. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing but I still felt like I had a million questions, no other time would be good to ask them. "Why did you go after me so long ago when I was with Eric?"

Rachel looked up at me, a look of perplexion followed by guilt crossing her face as she sat quietly, "I'm not proud of doing what I did. I thought you were like all the other girls involved, surrounding the boys." She admitted, chewing on her bottom lip a bit. "I mean, I know Eric's nice but who just takes in some girl he hardly knows to give her a place to stay, a job, suddenly they're dating. Next thing you know you'd have popped out a kid just to hang on to him." She sighed, "I know now, that's not who you are. You're strong. You have to be. You're a good person and you've been raising your sister well."

I was a little hurt, a little bitter, a little angry. How dare she assume anything about me before she knew me. She was in no position to have made that judgement, "I thought you were some crazy bitch that just had it out for me."

Rachel nodded, "I was, for a while, but, when Eric and I were married. Anytime and everytime we fought, somehow you'd always come up." She said, "He's never stopped loving you. Even when I lied about Eli and our divorce, He cared about me but it was never like he cared about you." She paused, "When John told him you had left for New York, what had happened, he wanted to leave but I talked him out of it."

The first part was no shocker but the second, well, it wasn't a far stretch to believe from her at the time, "Why?" I asked, sitting oppposite her on the armrest of the couch.

Rachel broke in to tears, "Because I was a bad person. I was mean-spirited. I wanted Eric for myself, just once, I wanted someone for me. So I told him that you had called and said you never see him again and that you had only wanted your things." She sniffed and wiped at her face, "I'm so sorry I lied to you, to Eric, for everything."

I pushed my own hair back this time. There was no point in being angry now. At least, that's what my mother would say. The past was gone and done and you can't change it so you may as well push forward. "You're not a bad person, You've just made bad choices Rachel." My own voice was quiet and as immediately angry (despite my best efforts not to be) as I was, I knew that I had forgiven her a long time ago. "Eric wouldn't have stuck by you with Eli and married you if he didn't think you were a bad person. You and I both know that. You know that if you were a bad person, you wouldn't be here now."

Rachel nodded and laughed a little, her face and voice sounded almost relieved. "You know, you're right. But you should hate me for what I did to you—"

I cut her off, "I don't and I've already forgiven you. It's in the past so, let's move on." I said, trying to talk about the past was only going to open old wounds that, in some respects, were trying to heal. "So why did you decide to move in with Eric again. Aren't you guys divorced?" I asked.

Rachel nodded, "Yeah, but, I'm here because I have a problem. I like to party too much." Rachel looked almost ashamed by the admission, "Eric got custody fo Eli because I couldn't pass a drug test and was partying all night. I called him about three months ago. I was in jail." She paused, "I know, I know right? How very Linday Lohan of me. Truth was, I got pulled over for a DUI and failed the sobriety test. I had no one else to call. He drove down, bailed me out and stayed the night."

I frowned and watched her. I knew that the lifestyle of the team managers lended itself to partying more often than not. I understood how she could have a hard time transitioning out of that kind of lifestyle. "So.. that still doesn't answer really why you're here." I said, looking at her.

Rachel nodded, "I'm getting there, I promise." She laughed a little, "Eric suggested I check in to a rehab facility. He promised that if I did, he would re-consider the custody agreement. So I checked in to one shortly after he left and I'd been there for a couple of months." She paused, "I did well. Eric came to see me after I got out, he mentioned that you were moving in with John, you and Dani. He told me you'd been raising her since your parents died. I figured if I moved in here with Eric, if that was something he wanted, I could learn from you."

I was shocked. Rachel, learn from me? I wasn't a mom and I was barely an adult. I had so much to learn about everything, "Rachel, if you're here to learn how to take care of Eli, that says a lot, it does. But, I can't teach you everything when it comes to him. My knowledge is with Dani and Eli is different." I said with a slight frown, "He's a whole different person. A lot of learning what to do to take care of him is trial and error." I laughed a little, "Trust me, Dani is seven and I still have days with her where it's temper tantrums and knockdown dragout fights to get her to bed."

It was a strange but comforting thing to be able to connect with Rachel on this kind of weird, human level. Here we were two girls, raising kids, caring for the dogs, the boys were gone. It was good to just be friends and not have this animosity in the house. After our talking things out it was like this sort of weight lifted off our shoulders. We weren't ready to knife each other. She asked me a lot of questions when it came to how to parent Eli, how to do things even.

Rachel and I were fast becoming friends while the boys were gone. I couldn't wait to see their faces when they got back to see us both in action.