Yesterday's Feelings

A couple of days passed since John and I had had our disagreement outside by the fire. Like most things, it seemed to be the end of the discussion as far as things went and his attitude twoards Rachel had improved though he was still uneasy, he was coming around and things seemed to be on the mend.

At least they had looked that way until I had found Eli up one morning watching Sesame Street and a note in the kitchen addressed to me. I tore open the envelope and my eyes scanned over the letter. She had left. She said that she was checking back in to rehab because it was the best place for her and she wanted me to take care of Eli while she was there and Eric was gone.

I felt bad as I rounded the corner and watched Eli clapping along with the music. She was going to miss so many important milestones. She'd already missed so many, but, if that's what she felt was best, then she had to do what she was going to do. I closed my eyes and folded the letter, going about the morning routine. I started the coffee and it wasn't long before John was down to join me.

I didn't say much to him, even as he wrapped his arms around me in his usual hug. I had a feeling that she had heard some of John and I's fighting outside a couple of nights before but I wasn't a hundred-percent sure. "She's gone." I muttered, pulling away from John as I started to fix Eli a little breakfast.

John stood there and poured himself a cup of coffee, "Gone where, to the store?" He asked, though I knew that he knew that Rachel was gone for good this time.

I looked at the older out of the corner of my eye, "No. She left Eli in our care... well, my, care." I said, as though i didn't have enough with Dani, the dogs, and John.

"You'll be fine, she'll be back in six months." John dismissed the notion that she was gone for good.

I put down the knife I was using to cut some fruit for Eli with, "No John, she won't be. I know it and you know it. You know Eric is going to hurt and hurt a lot. He, they, were working on each other. You just don't get it." I said, my voice roddled with anger.

John looked at me. He just stared. I don't think he'd ever seen me angry, let alone angry and wielding a knife or a sharp object. I was hurt and sad because she was my friend, "She got on without you, Eric got on without her, and Eli got on without her. We're all better off."

I closed my eyes and bit my lip, "John.." I paused as my voice waivered, "You haven't a clue what it's like to grow up without a parent. You have both your mom and dad. I don't have anyone, I lost my dad growing up. Dani has lost both parents." I set the knife down and headed out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

I couldn't with John right now. I just couldn't. I know he'd been trying but I was so angry with his ignorance right now. Him and Eric had things comparitively easily growing up. Not everyone was that lucky. I stripped out of my clothes and immediately drew water for a bath. I was so angry that all I could do was think to soak, hoping that it would dissipate some of my anger.

—

"Dude, She's gone." John said over the phone to his brother. He didn't know any better way to break the news to Eric, who was still on the road traveling and filming in Chile. He knew that his brother would be hurt by what happened but, it was time to face the facts.

Eric's voice seemed to fall on the other end of the line, "What do you mean, she's gone?" Eric was almost afraid to ask as he sat in the house they were renting and played with a loose fray on his jeans. He knew full well what John was getting at.

John took a deep breath and then sighed, "I mean, baby bro, that Rachel is gone for good. I mean, she left for rehab again and left Eli with Ari and I, well, I think she meant more Ari than me." John stumbled over his words. He was upset that his brother was upset and that he was incolsolable being that he was a thousand miles away.

"Oh." Was all Eric could muster on the end of the line. He didn't know what else to say, well, except for that he thought things were going so well. She had just called and said that John was starting to come around and warm up and that maybe this could work after all. "I'll be home soon I guess." Eric said, Eli was not his full-on responsibility again.

"I wouldn't hurry. Ari is still here, though she's mad at me." John mentioned, "She'll take care of Eli, just finish your thing. We're fine here, I promise. We got your back baby bro." John insisted. He felt that Eric was better off working and staying busy than being here and dwelling on Rachel.