Yesterday's Feelings

Over the next several days, I gave John space and he gave me space. We were both fired up; I was angry at him for not being more understanding at how upset I was and he was angry at me for defending her. It was our first major fight as a couple and it was one that was taxing. John and I had never fought so for me to not be able to just turn to him was a foreign feeling, one that left me turning to Eric to express my hurt and dismay at Rachel's departure.

Eric came home from his trip and was excited to see Eli. I could see the hurt scribed over his face and it was one that, disappointingly, I had seen before. How could I forget?

I remember standing in the hall and hearing the conversation, the one-sided conversation, but it was plenty enough for me to understand what had happened. Rachel had tricked Eric in to sleeping with her, not that I was shocked at the time. I was more hurt than anything else. I had foolishly thought that he'd given me his pick-axe necklace in some sort of confidence, some sort of sign that we were exclusive, that nothing would happen with anyone else. Clearly that hadn't been the case.

The look on his face when I handed him the pick-axe was one of hurt and pain. His face contorted to a frown and I had never seen so many wrinkles as I had then nor were his eyes such a deep, dark shade of blue.

His face looked now, as it did then, perhaps with just a few more gray hairs and wrinkles. It still pinged my heart to see the older man in such pain.

Eric stuffed a french fry in his mouth, "I can't believe she just left like that." The younger Jackson said, watching Eli. He had said he wasn't hungry but I knew he was full of shit. He had barely touched anything John or I had made since he had been home.

He was my friend and I still cared deeply for him, perhaps, more than I let on. "She was hurt—"

"By what?" he glowered at me as Eli clapped his hands together, splattering the ketchup on his hands and fingers everywhere.

I sighed as I watched him care for Eli, "It's not.. it's not really anything." I lied. Well, I was trying to. I was trying to cover for the fight that John and I had gotten in to and what he'd said. I knew it would cause a rift between them, again, and there was enough fighting in the house, "Look, she's gone and there's not anything we can do now, so just.. hang in there. I'm sorry."

Eric shook his head as he relented and let Eli draw on the plate with his ketchup and fingers. "I knew I shouldn't have left her with you. I knew you guys didn't get along."

I sneered at Eric for that remark, "For your information, if she hated me so much, why'd she leave Eli in my care?" I retorted, "Speaking of not getting along..." I muttered, begrudgingly poking at my own sandwich and soup with a sigh. "John and I have been fighting.

Eric looked surprised, "You two actually fighting? You guys get along so well. Is that why Ruby was out by the fire pit?" he asked, "I'm sure that it's nothing that you two won't get past." Eric said.

I shrugged, not really sure. I mean, yeah, we were talking but, "We haven't talked in days and when we have, it dissolves in to a fight." I said quietly, looking down at my plate of food. "I got a job. Well, an offer to start next week at a law firm as an administrative assistant, full time." I said.

Eric smiled, his first in days. It felt good to see him smile, "That's amazing, I'm sure John was so proud when you told him." Eric insisted, adjusting the hat on his head just a bit.

I grimaced a little, I hadn't accepted the offer but I hadn't told John that I was even looking for work. I was intending it as something to get me out of the house, I was going stir crazy, "Errr, I haven't exactly told John yet. I don't know how to tell him that I've got cabin fever in the house with the kids. I mean, I know you guys are here and I don't want to stick John with Dani and Eli for the rest of the summer and I don't want to think of a stranger with the kids. Plus when the winter rolls around, you guys are gonna be gone and then the kids will have to go in daycare." I pushed my hand through my hair and shook my head. "Don't tell John?"

I hated keeping secrets, from anyone, but especially from John. Asking Eric to not tell John about the job offer was something I wasn't proud of, but I wasn't sure I was going to even accept. I mean, it's not like I was confessing I was in love with another man and going to run away. I just needed time to get my shit together and for John and I to be ok before I rocked the boat.

"Okay, I won't tell him." Eric said, sitting back in the booth of the restaurant, "But you know that you'll have to tell him about it even if you turn it down."

Eric was right, and I would tell him eventually, I just had to make sure we were in a semi-good spot. I didn't know how John would take it, since he had asked me, however informally, to be his personal assistant a few times. Each time I shot him down, putting forth the excuse that we couldn't take Dani with us, his sponsors would balk, plus, who would take care of Eli and the dogs if Eric wasn't here. Yet, here I was, trying to think of a way to tell John that I wanted to work, just not with him. I wasn't sure how he'd take it.