Yesterday's Feelings

The next several days, I wasn't talking to John, I wasn't even sleeping in the same room as him. I was so mad, so hurt by what he'd said. I know we were having a rought time but I thought we'd work through it. I thought John was better than an ultimatum, better than that. I guess I thought wrong.

I had dragged Eric and Eli out with Dani and I, John had been fishing in the river when we left so he was none the wiser, "So where's Lunch?" Eric asked with a nervous chuckle.

"We.." I paused, "We are not going to eat. I brought you along because I need your help. I'm meeting with a realtor, we're looking at houses or apartments or whatever I can find."

Eric looked at me, shocked, which meant that it was a good thing I was driving. "Woah, woah, wait.." He paused, "What's going on with you and John, you can tell me." Eric said.

I gave a shrug, "Nothing is going on.. I just wanted to look at places for Dani and I, I mean, I can't live with you guys for ever." I said, but all Eric had to do was look at me, and he knew.

"You sure that's all this is?" Eric said, his voice quiet and low, "Look, John loves you, he's just afraid he's going to lose you like I lost you—"

"He said he wanted me gone." I said abruptly. "Either I quit working at the firm or I move out." I said, stopping in front of a small house. It was light blue, a for sale sign was in the front yard.

"So you're just going to move out..." Eric said, "Just like that, because he said that."

I sighed, "Eric, it's a combination of a lot of things and I think John and I just need our own spaces for a little while." I said, "I think it's best."

"You know, it's so typical of you to just.. to just leave." Eric pointed out, looking towards the house. "Come on, I've seen the way he looks at you and Dani, he doesn't want you to leave."

I shook my head, "Well he has a funny way of showing it." I said, getting out of the car, letting Dani out.

Eric followed suit with Eli as we headed to the house to meet the realtor. She was a nice woman, older, and reccommended by some coworkers. The house itself was older but had some remodeling work. It was a foreclosure and the bank was looking to sell cheaply. It was a two-bedroom, two bath, wood fireplace, and with gas appliances. It was... it was perfect. It was just right for Dani and I, but I had no money for a down payment and I'm sure my credit was in the dumps.

Eric and I headed back to John's after meeting the realtor, "Are you absolutely sure that's what you want?"

I shrugged, I didn't exactly know what I wanted. I did know that John wanted Dani and I gone, even if Eric said he didn't. "What I want? I want your brother to stop fighting me on everything. It's like I'm not allowed to have a life outside of him. Like I'm not allowed to have friends but it seems like he's always wanting me to go with him to events and on the road and it's not fair. He wants me by his side all the time.

"You're his old lady—"

"Um, I'm not old." I quickly pointed out.

Eric laughed, "No." He paused, "Old lady, like, you're his wifey, his girlfriend, like the one person he can count on."

Wifey... That was an interesting term. One that I thought only rap stars used and well, was reserved for wives. Suddenly my mind drifted to thoughts of John and I being married, which was a strange thought in and of itself. Somehow my mind went to a beachside scene with our friends and his family. Dani as a flower girl. Some old friends as maids of honor. Eric as John's best man. Even if I didn't say it was what I wanted, when all your friends back home in New York are getting married and having kids, I felt left out. I felt like I wasn't going anywhere with my life.

I took a deep breath, "I don't think he's going to even consider me his wifey, not soon, not ever."