Yesterday's Feelings

We both just looked at each other shocked. I was shocked that he was proposing and, well, I imagine that he wasn't expecting those words from my mouth. We just sat there, stunned by the others admission, both of us afraid to talk first. The silence was palpable but someone had to talk.

"You don't wanna marry me John." I said, my voice above a quiet whisper. The truth was, I was still a wreck. I had uprooted my life and I had felt like I was just his tagalong ever since. I felt like a bum.

"Yes, I do." John insisted, his fingers running over the smooth red velvet box in his hand. "You're my girl." John looked at me with such a strong conviction it was hard to turn away from.

"Some days John, I don't feel like it." I paused, "We, are not ready for this." I took his hands in mine, "We've been putting on a good show, playing house but, with all the fighting, we are not this." I said.

"Ari, come on." He dropped a hand to my knee, pleading with me, "It's not a show, I don't mind helping you with Dani, and It's been great having you here to help with Eli. I'm sorry I told you I wanted you to leave, nothing could be farther from the truth." John bit his lip, "I wanna settle down with you, I want us to travel and have kids." John sighed, "I want all these amazing things for us that we can say we did when we were young. I want us to grow old together."

"I..." I didn't know what to say. "I want all that too." I started. It was the truth. I wanted every last bit of it. I just didn't know for certain whether John was the one I wanted it to be with, "I'm just..not ready." I sighed, "I want to travel and work and have fun—"

"So what's the problem?" John asked, looking at me. Suddenly he peeled his eyes away, "Oh." He said. "You just don't want those things with me." He said, his voice a whisper.

I let go of John's hand, "You know that's not true." I said in protest, "I just think that before we can move forward, we have to move back. We spend so much time together that we're driving each other up the walls. I've got my own place John, It's not like I'm not going to be around anymore." I was trying to put things together to make them sound as good as possible, but it didn't matter which way it came out. It all sounded horrible. "We're still going to be friends."

"Just friends?" John asked, the hurt, the impending anger in his voice. "That's it.. is 'Just Friends'? I've done a lot of things for you and Dani and that's what you want right now."

"N-No John, it's what I need." My voice quivered, "I need my friend, I need the John that I fell in love with and right now, right now that John seems to have gone AWOL and I can't find him." I sniffled and wiped at my eyes, "I'm sorry. I know that you— I know you're hurting but I have to do this. I need this right now, please."

The honest to god truth was, we needed to be apart to find the people we used to be. Together, right now, we were both someone the other didn't like. John was aggressive, angry, possessive. I wasn't the independent person I used to be, I had become reliant on John and so, just, compacent in letting him care for me. When I started to change, no wonder he pushed back. I couldn't blame him either. He was used to having me there to rely on me, for me to just be there at his beck and call.

The silence in the car on the ride home was deafening. No one said a word, not a single word. I was almost afraid to breathe wrong. John's hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles were white. He was filled with anger, with hurt, with emotions that I had seldom if ever saw. It scared me.

However, for the first time in a long time, I felt free.