Yesterday's Feelings

My phone buzzed on my desk as I sat quietly listening to my boss. He was detailing how his business had picked up and they were giving me raise, a new title, and new responsibilities. I gently flipped my phone to see that it was Eric. I'd call him back. My boss was now asking me to juggle back to full time as we transitioned in to the fall, now that the summer interns we'd hired were returning to college.

After the brief meeting I called Eric back, "Hey." I said, when his voice came through the other side. We'd been keeping in touch ever since. Coffee here, playdates there. Mostly out of his and John's house, he knew how uncomfortable being there made me.

"You coming over for dinner tonight?" Eric asked, a hint of mischeviousness in his voice. I could tell he was up to something, though I wasn't sure what.

I gave a shrug as I shuffled around some papers, "I suppose I could. Dani's at a friends house for a sleepover anyways."

"Perfect time for us to have a sleepover of our own." Eric said with a chuckle.

I laughed, "Shut. Up." I said, "I'll be there at 5:30." I said, hanging up the phone and returning back to work.

We closed at 5 and I hurried out the door, heading to my car. I was eager to get to Eric's. How could I not be? He was smart, he was funny, he was heavily bearded, and he was my best friend. Plus, I wanted him to be the first person I told about my raise, and also my uncertainties I held in even staying at the firm.

I parked outside the house and just stared at it for a minute. I hadn't been back in months. I honestly didn't think the other Jackson would be the reason I would be back, yet, here I was. I collected my thoughts and took a deep breath as I approached the door. It was a strange, mostly because everywhere I looked, I saw John and myself.

The first time I rode in the dune buggy:

"John," I protested with a whine, "I'm gonna get all dirty and you're gonna go too fast, What if you flip it?"

John laughed, "I won't flip it and I'll go slow." He said, holding my hand as he looked at me from the driver's side of the dune buggy with his helmet on." He smiled, "Look, just grab the helmet and get in. I promise I'll go slow and we'll just go up and down the road."

I begrudgingly grabbed the helmet out of the passenger side of the buggy and put it on. I fumbled with the chinstrap, my fingers shaking as I failed to get it.

"Here." John said, "Let me help." He said, motioning with his fingers.

I leaned towards the older and he fastened the chin strap for me as I grabbed the buckle and buckled in. Before I could even say 'Go' John had taken off, sliding sideways on the gravel road and the wind was flying through my hair. I screamed, reaching over to hit the older. "I SAID GO SLOW." I screamed at him.



It was memories like that that took me back and made me forget that Eric had been standing there with the door open for some time before I even noticed him. It wasn't until he snapped his fingers by my face that I was pulled back from my daydream.

"Huh?" I asked, "Oh, hey." I said, smiling sheepishly at the older. "Sorry."

Eric laughed, "You alright? Look, you don't have to be here if you don't want to be." he said, his hands tucked in to the pockets of his jeans

I shook my head as I stepped inside the house, "No, I want to be." I said, smiling, "Really, I want to be." I said.

Eric had made this incredible trout dinner, with a trout he'd caught from the river out back. It was paired with red wine and veggies and some bread. He was not only a fisherman but a great cook. I guess I had forgotten, just how good a cook he could be. After being on my own, it was nice to have someone cook for me.

After dinner we headed outside by the fire, wine in hand. Eric had the fire going and we just sat around, a guitar sat nearby. It was nice to sit and laugh with him. "So, I got a raise today at work." I said, my finger running around the rim of my wine glass.

Eric nodded as he sipped his own glass, "Yeah? Congratulations!" Eric smiled, "That's great news." He said softly, "You going to be ready to hang out here all winter with Eli?" Eric asked.

I gave a shrug, "I think I'll more than likely be watching him at my place. Dani's school and all is in town you know." I said softly, "But, yeah, I'm totally down for babysitting with Eli." I sighed a little, "As far as work, I don't know." I said, my eyes continuing to watch the fire dance, "I think I've outgrown that place."

Eric had picked up the guitar and was tinkering around with it a little, "You've outgrown it? Already?" Eric asked, "Wherever is more comfortable for you to be with Eli. He'll be happy either way. He misses you like crazy."

I smiled a little when Eric said that Eli missed me. It was cute, he was cute. "I don't know, maybe it's because I was nomadic as a teen, I just feel like I'm suffocating there. I'm meant to be a part of something bigger, better, I don't know. I just never saw myself in an office." I pushed a hand through my hair.

"So then what do you see yourself doing?" Eric asked, plucking out a couple of notes.

I gave a small shrug, "I don't know. It's hard. I'm not really college educated, so I mean, I could go back to school but that would just mean I'd have to stay here and stay at the firm to be able to afford it and the house and it's just so many pressures you know."

Eric nodded a little, "I think," he paused, "You should do what makes you happy." Eric said, leaning closer toward me with a smile. "Whether that means staying here or moving on." The older must have seen me shiver because he excused himseld then he came back with a jacket, one of his, "Here, take this." he said, draping the jacket over my shoulders.

I pulled it tight around me and smiled, "Thanks." I said softly. "Hey, c'mere." I said, motioning to the older with my finger. Eric came back to stand in front of me. I stood up, my wine glass in one hand, my other hand clutching the jacket. "Thanks, for tonight, for everything." I said, leaning up to kiss Eric's cheek with a smile, "Tonight's been really great."