Yesterday's Feelings

"Call him." John's voice echoed in my ear as we talked on the phone. It was two weeks after my parents passed and it had been that long since I'd talked to Eric, I missed him, but I was still hurting. John was nice enough to be keeping in touch with me despite me leaving so suddenly, he said it was to be expected.

"N-No. I'm okay." I lied, "He probably doesn't even miss me." I said, my voice soft and demure as I talked to John. I wasn't sure I wanted to keep talking to John like this, I had called him last week and had just broken down in tears. I was struggling, telling him I couldn't do this alone.

"Bullshit." John called with a sigh on the other end, "He's been calling asking about you. He knows I talked to you. He says you won't answer his e-mails or texts." John said, "like you're avoiding him altogether."

Unashamedly, "I am, a little." I admitted to the older Jackson, "I don't really know what to say to him anymore." I admitted, "I don't know how to talk to him." I wasn't sure I could even utter a word to him without either breaking down upset or even sounding angry, bitter, and resentful about the whole situation. I decided I'd rather just not talk to him at all, even if all I wanted to do was just pick up the phone and beg him to come visit, to come stay. Even for a little while.

—

The flashback played through my mind as I sat with Colin at the coffeeshop just down the road from my house, having dropped Danielle at a friend's for a party and sleepover this Saturday afternoon. I had called Colin and asked him to meet me for coffee. Colin lived fairly close to me and I often found myself relying on him as a pillar of support for the rough times when I wasn't sure what to do. We remained friends though I was sure some of the other associates and partners in the office thought we were sleeping together.

"Ari," Colin's voice broke through my thoughts, "Are you alright?" He asked, sippping his coffee as we sat watching the rain beat against the windows of the shop.

I shrugged, "Just thinking about old things, people I used to know." I said, sighing, "Nothing too terribly big."

Colin looked pointedly in my direction, "What seems to be on your mind?" He asked, "You know I am here. You can tell me anything."

I pushed a hand through my hair. "Well, one of the guys from the bar said you had invited him by the office to take me out to lunch." I said, looking a bit sternly at Colin, "While I appreciate the gesture and I know it was in good conscience Colin, It wasn't a good idea." I admitted.

Colin looked confused, his brows furrowed together, "He seemed like a good guy, someone you obviously knew and had some catching up to do. Was I wrong?"

I shook my head, "No, you weren't wrong. I do know him and we did have some catching up to do, but.." I sighed, "It's complicated and it's something I thought I had walked away from a long time ago and I have Danielle to think about. I can't afford anymore distractions in my life." I said making a slight face, "Plus, I'm not in good graces with his brother.—"

Colin cut me off, "The one who was yelling about you walking out?"

I nodded, "Yeah, his brother and I had something going on and, well, long story short it got messed up and then my parents died and I haven't spoken to him or seen him since." I paused to collect my breath, "The argument at the bar was the first time I have seen and spoken to him in three years despite keeping in contact with his brother for a while after I left."

—

"You mean to tell me, you knew she was here?" Eric asked, clearly agitated at John. He was pissed. "The last three years you knew she was here in New York." Eric being pissed was an understatement. John had finally sat Eric down and had told him that he'd known Ari was okay and in New York for the last three years. That whole time she'd been here and John knew and he knew how to get in touch with her. He could have fixed what he'd broken so many years ago so easily then. It wasn't so easy now.

"Oh quit fucking playing around Eric. When you knew she left, you know damn well she returned home to New York. Where the fuck else would she go Eric?" John asked rhetorically at his younger brother, "Stop fucking playing this self-pity card, pretending you didn't know. You knew damn well she left back to New York." John spat right back at Eric standing toe to toe with him in the hotel room. "You visited her in New York before, you knew where she lived. All you had to fucking do was get on a plane and go to her." John paused, "But you didn't."

Eric shook his head, "Oh, yeah, John because that would have been awesome John. The last person in the fucking world she wants to see shows up on her doorstep. As if she wasn't upset and miserable already, let's make her more miserable and upset." Eric couldn't believe what John was saying. He was sticking up for her.

"That's fucking bullshit and you know it Eric!" John grumbled, "She needed you the most back then. For Christ's sake, her parents had just died and she had nobody. Nobody Eric." John backed away a little bit, "She's stubborn, and yes, she was avoiding you, but if you had showed up on her doorstep she'd have welcomed you with open arms. She needed someone to be there for her. You could have still had her Eric. Don't you fucking see that?"

Eric was so angry at John for insinuating he didn't care. If he hadn't cared for three years why would he have yelled at her at the bar the other night, why would he be continuously looking for her all the time, even down in the shops by the bar for the last few days, "If you fucking care about her so much, why the fuck didn't you fly out here yourself and be with her when she needed someone so badly?"

John looked at Eric, "Because I wasn't the one she loved. She loved you, You asshole." John said it sadly, as though he was hurt by the fact that he knew that even if he had shown up to be by Ari's side back then, he knew that deep down, she would have wanted Eric. She'd always want Eric and that was where her heart lied. John would only have been a matter of convenience and he didn't want to put either of them through that or make things any more complicated than they already had been.