Yesterday's Feelings

When I awoke the next morning, my head was pounding. I didn't even bother to open my eyes, I just pulled the blanket over my head and inhaled deeply. No, that wasn't the smell of my own sheets. I begrudgingly pulled the covers down and opened my eyes. The room was familiar but I hadn't actually been in it in what must have been years.

I groaned, just in time for the door to open, "Hey." came Eric's voice, "I brought you some water and two apirin." He said softly, setting the glass and pills down on the bedside table.

"Thanks." I mumbled, pulling the covers back over my head. I felt like I wasn't ready for this. I had no clue what I was doing, bouncing from Eric to John, and back to Eric. I felt like I was betraying John. For crying out loud, he proposed. I could only imagine the hurt on his face if he knew.

"You're welcome." The older said, putting his hand on my back before he pulled the covers back, "Come on, I've got breakfast going downstairs, perfect for hangovers. You'll live."

"I'm not hungover. I just have a headache." I grumbled, taking the pills off the table and popping in my mouth and gulping down some water. I sighed.

Eric pat my back and headed back down the stairs. I just sighed and laid in the bed, inhaling Eric's scent. His bed smelled faintly of cologne and laundry detergent. I had missed that smell. He smelled so good. After about 10 minutes I finally pulled the covers back and straightened out my wrinkled clothes, my wrinkled work clothes.

I fussed with my hair in the mirror, making sure it didn't look too messy. I stepped out of Eric's room, quietly closing the door behind me, the smell of Bacon and eggs filled my nostrils and I smiled. It smelled so good. I opened my eyes to head down the stairs when I saw John emerge from his room, his eyes locked on me.

"Where'd you come from?" He asked, looking me over a little.

I shrugged, "I, um, I stayed the night. I wasn't in any shape to drive home after all the wine last night." I said quietly, starting to descend down the stairs.

"You stayed.. in my brother's room.." his voice trailed off.

I frowned some, "Nothing happened." I said, heading for the kitchen even though I could hear John's footsteps not far behind me. I wasn't prepared for this confrontation, but, it would have to come at some time.

"But you were there, in his bed." John questioned.

"I don't remember ending up there." I said as I headed in to the kitchen, seeing Eric with a pan of eggs and Eli at a high chair munching on grapes.

"Aieee!" The toddler yelled when he saw me, squirming in his chair.

I smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of the toddler's head, "Eli!" I laughed, "My most favorite handsome man." I said, stealing one of his grapes.

"Yeah, and I don't remember my own birthday." John rolled his eyes as he poured himself a cup of coffee. Eric looked at John and then at me. He knew that something was amiss, but, he had the good sense to let John and I argue it out.

"Why don't you believe me? What is so unbelieveable about the fact that I could just be friends with someone." I asked him, pouring my own self a cup of coffee.

John chuckled and shook his head, "Because I know you." John said, "I know him." He paused, "I know, that you still love him."

The whole kitchen went silent. Eric was looking at John and I and I was looking at John. It wasn't true. I mean, me still being in love with Eric. We were just friends. I mean, yes, he was smart and funny and handsome but, we were just friends. My head was still pounding, because the Aspirin hadn't kicked in yet. John was just looking at me, as if my silence and lack of response meant it was true. Eric was looking at me, the same look on his face as well.

John walked out of the kitchen, just leaving Eric and I there, together, with our thoughts. I finished pouring cream and sugar in my own coffee. "So is it true?" Eric's voice was quiet and soft.

"Is what true?" I asked, as if I didn't know what Eric was asking about. Of course I knew, he'd been standing there making eggs when John said that hadn't he. "You're burning the eggs."

Eric looked at me, "Huh?" He said, turning his attention to the pan, "Shit." He said, scrambling the eggs and putting them in to a small bowl. His attention turning back to me after he finished burning the rest of breakfast. "Is it true though, what he said about you still loving me." His tone more pointed this time.

"Yes." I paused, "No." I looked at my coffee and then at Eric, "I don't know." I said, heading out of the kitchen toward the back yard.

I didn't know how to answer the question. Part of me would always love Eric and love what we had. I knew that some part of me would also always love John. I had a lot of experiences with them both, both good and bad, I couldn't easily choose one over the other. I also knew, however, that it didn't matter who I was with or what happened that I would come back to Eric. I'd always find my way back to him.

As I stood at the sliding glass door, coffee in hand, I had a bit of a realization: I was in love with Eric.

I just wasn't wasn't ready to admit it.