The Rules of Life

Mr. H pushed me back so fast I nearly cracked my skull against the glass. We stared at each other in dark car, the only light coming from the cars going by outside. Each one sent lights sliding over the interior and then it faded to black until the next car drove by.

“What was that?!” he demanded.

My heart was thundering in my chest and my lips tingled. It had been a brief kiss but wowza. It had packed an incredible punch. But Matt couldn’t know that. I shrugged, attempting nonchalance and a detached attitude. “It seemed like a good idea,” I said casually. But from the look on Mr. H’s face, this situation was anything but casual. I’d overstepped a line and now that we’d crossed it, there was no going back. Whatever hesitant friendship we’d established or whatever reliance I had on him, it was over. That was probably for the best.

“A good idea? A good idea?! Dammit, McKinley, this was not okay!” He was yelling. I’d never heard him yell before and it was a startling thing. I kept my face blank and watched him freak out. If this had happened under any other circumstances, maybe it would have been funny. But all this incredulity and slight anger was directed at me and it wasn’t funny at all. He raked his fingers through his brown hair. “I could lose my job. Do you realize that? Your little stunt has put my career at risk!”

Well, now I felt bad. I’d just wanted to change the subject (which had worked unbelievably well) but I didn’t want Matt to lose his job. He was a good teacher and it seemed like he actually cared about the students. I mean, I had counted on him numerous times and he’d always come through for me. It was scary to think that I’d have to finish my year without him.

“I’m not going to tell anyone,” I told him.

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter if you do,” he said, “because I’m going to.”

“What?! No, you can’t!” I couldn’t sit here and let this go on. I couldn’t just let him lose his job because I’m incapable of dealing with serious conversations. “Please. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to kiss you. It just happened. You’ll lose your job. Lots of people count on you to be at school. A lot of kids look up to you.” I took a deep breath. “I look up to you. What I did was selfish and I’m sorry. But please. Don’t lose your job over this. If it helps, I’ll switch out of your class and your homeroom and you’ll never see me.” I was begging. But he couldn’t lose his job, he just couldn’t! I was swallowing my pride, no easy feat for me. But it was for the greater good here.

Mr. H looked at me warily. Then he turned the car back on. “I’ll take you home,” he said. There was no conversation after that.

-

Sunday was spent in an anxious stupor. I paced a lot, played absently with Soe, and didn’t leave my room. My hands were scratched up but I didn’t even notice the damage. My mind was elsewhere. I’d ruined Mr. H’s life. It was bad enough that mine was screwed up; I’d wanted that anyway. But I had to drag everyone else down with me. Maybe Travis and I did deserve each other. With a grimace, I realized that that wasn’t true anymore either. Travis had successfully passed me in the Who’s the Better Person? race. I didn’t even deserve him.

Soe swiped at my hand again and I pulled it from his reach. He leapt off my bed, attaching himself to my leg and I yelped in pain. He retracted his claws and landed with a soft thud on the floor.

“Devil cat,” I muttered, rubbing my leg. Soe had seen some shoes and was no gnawing on the laces, rolling around happily like he was on crack. I fell back on my bed. School tomorrow would be a nightmare. The first thing I had to do was request a transfer from both my current math class and my homeroom. I’d make something up. Maybe I’d get out of math altogether and instead of a homeroom, I’d just need to check in with the counselor.

I rolled over on my side and watched Soe have the time of his life with the many treasures that I’d left on the floor. At least one of us was happy.

-

The office was familiar to me. I’d been in there enough times to walk around blindfolded. But never had I willing walked into the small room to talk about something academic related. It was slightly unnerving and from the expressions on the office ladies faces, I’d say they were just as baffled.

I walked up to the front desk and tapped my fingers against the shiny wood. Miss McNeil looked up from her computer, her brown eyes widening in surprise. “Miss Miller,” she said, “What can I help you with?” As far as the administrative staff went, Miss McNeil was my favorite. She was a short, middle-aged woman with curly brown hair and brown eyes. She was fairly plain but nice and polite, even to a troublemaker like me. She’d often chat amiably with me while I waited for the principal to see me. Though I hadn’t talked back much, it was nice to listen to someone talk about some banal thing in their life rather than dwell on the life that I was currently “throwing away”, to quote Principal Tanner.

“I’d like to make some adjustments to my schedule,” I told her.

Miss McNeil nodded. “Okay, but you’ll have to talk with your counselor,” she said. “And Mr. Denning won’t be here until later. If you come in after school, I can get you an appointment.”

It meant I’d have to go today with my usual schedule. I’d have to see Mr. H both this morning and this afternoon. But it was the best I could do. I’d just stay out of his way, fly under the radar. Of course, the last few times I’d tried to do that, it hadn’t worked out very well. “That’s fine. Thank you.” I hoisted my backpack higher on my back and headed to homeroom. I didn’t go in though, just lingered outside.

As it were, I wasn’t alone for very long. A tall, broad-shouldered young man approached me, looking sheepish. “Hey,” Travis mumbled. He was looking at the floor and I’d never seen him appear so timid before. Usually his tactic was arrogance.

“Hi…” I said. I hadn’t forgiven him, not for our past, and not for our date. But a part of me was curious. I’d insulted him Saturday night, too, so why was he back?

“Listen,” he said, shoving his hands deep in the pockets of his Levis. “I’m sorry about Saturday. I was out of line. I mean, you were too, but still. I’m sorry. And I’m also sorry that I didn’t give you a ride home.” He furrowed his brows. “All weekend I kept wondering if you’d been kidnapped or raped or something and that if you had, it would have been my fault. So, I’m, uh, glad you’re here and, uh, intact.” He wrinkled his forehead. “You are intact, aren’t you?” Well, only physically. My emotions were haywire but that wasn’t what he was talking about. And even if he did want me to spill the whole story, I wasn’t going to. Travis had proved himself to be a nice guy but I still didn’t trust him.

I gave him a reluctant smile that I was sure looked as forced as it felt. But like I’d said before, Travis was an idiot and he didn’t notice. “I’m fine,” I told him.

He looked relieved, like even though he’d seen me and I looked okay, he still wasn’t sure. It was a nice gesture. “Good,” he said. “I was so… good, I’m glad you’re okay.” He flashed me the grin that had sent many girls into his claws. “Do you want to go out again?”

“If I say no, are you going to put drugs in my locker?” I asked.

Travis shrugged. “Depends,” he said. So, still not totally a good guy. “So how about it? This time we won’t end early.” The bell rang, a shrill sound that interrupted my thoughts. I glanced at the door to Mr. H’s room and then back at Travis. He was still waiting, smiling in a sly way. It wasn’t a manipulative smile, just a secretive smile.

So I nodded. “Okay,” I said. Travis leaned forward and kissed my cheek in the hallway, in front of everyone, and then headed off to his class. People stared. April started crying. And I was more confused than ever.

When I walked into Matt’s class, my heart was in my throat. I could barely breathe. Because if there was one thing I’d realized, it was that even though the kiss had been a mistake, it had meant something to me. Matt Hardacker meant something to me. Even though I was more or less dating Travis and even though the kiss could cost Mr. H his job and even though the entire situation was much more than my math prodigal mind could comprehend, I didn’t regret it. But it didn’t matter. My nerves were for nothing because Mr. H wasn’t there.