The Rules of Life

Paul was waiting for me when I got home the next day. He clicked off the TV and stood up when I entered. My defenses shot up immediately. I was sure that he was going to finally yell at me for all the things I’d said to him, for my lack of respect, and whatever else he thought was wrong with me. But he motioned for me to sit and said, “We need to talk,” without any trace of anger. Still wary, I perched on the edge of the couch. Soe jumped up into my lap and purred loudly. I absently petted him, scratching behind his ears and under his chin in the way that he liked.

“I want to apologize,” Paul said. After days of not speaking, this was what he was going with? We’d avoided each other. I went out running earlier and had Travis pick up me long before Paul woke up. Then I returned each night when I was sure he’d gone to bed. The house had been eerily silent and had become a torturous place for me to exist in. “I was never a good father to you.” Gee, where was he getting these gems? “I’m trying to get better, Kinley. I’ve been seeing a therapist.”

“Oh, so it was her idea,” I said. “You don’t actually want to fix things but the therapist says it’s a good idea and so you go ahead and do it. Never tried it with mom, oh no, but some stranger? Grand idea.” I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms over my chest. Soe head-butted me a few times but gave up after I refused to pet him. I was making a statement. So the kitten abandoned me and crawled over to Paul who had no reservations about petting him. Traitor. I thought pets were supposed to be loyal. Maybe that was dogs. I’d have to invest in one of those things. Teach it tricks like sit and kill.

Paul sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You need to stop blaming me for all your problems with your mom,” he told me, “and you need to stop fighting me. Please, Kinley, I’m trying to fix this.”

I needed to stop blaming him? It was his goddamn fault! “I don’t want to fix this.” I stood up. This conversation was over. “And it is your fault Mom left. She couldn’t deal with your temper or your stubbornness. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had been fucking girls on the side, too!” I knew he hadn’t been cheating on her. My dad could be an asshole but he wasn’t a cheater. I wanted to get a rise out of him. The therapist hadn’t cured his temper. If I pressed his buttons enough, he’d snap. We were just alike, him and I. Only it was his fault Mom was gone. I was just someone who got stuck here.

“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand, McKinley,” Paul warned. “I didn’t cheat on your mom. I would never. I love her.” Present tense. Bullshit. If he really loved her, he’d have found her and brought her back by now.

I laughed. “You don’t know what love is, Paul,” I said. “Your definition of love is knocking up beauty queens and only leaving one bruise when you’re mad. And you tell me not to talk about things I don’t understand.”

He was getting angry. I could see it in his eyes. He stood up now, too, towering over me. But I wasn’t scared. It’d been a long time since I was scared of him. “Watch it, girl,” he said. He was fighting for control. Well, props to him for trying to hold back. But I wasn’t. I was sick of him.

“How many girls did you cheat on Mom with? Three? Four? Did she leave because she got an STD and just couldn’t stomach seeing—”

“McKinley, shut up!” His voice bounced off our walls. We stared at each other. “You don’t know as much as you think you do.” And then he left. So much for making up and fixing things. I scooped up Soe, who was mewling pitifully on the couch, pawing at my leg, and headed upstairs. I sat down at my computer and aimlessly surfed the internet. On a whim, I Facebooked my mom. There were over a thousand Alex Millers on Facebook. After three pages of people I didn’t know, I exited out and swiveled in my chair.

I picked up my math book from the floor and flipped to the back. I did a few pages of problems but grew bored of that, too. It had been ages since I’d done math problems to calm myself, which was surprising given all the shit that had gone down. But lately I’d had Travis and he was good at distracting me. Ugh, I was becoming one of those awful girls who relied on their boyfriends for happiness. I wrinkled my nose and caught sight of my reflection in the black computer screen. I looked the same as always. Blonde hair, blue eyes, perpetual glare, mouth turned downwards into an automatic frown. Yep, I looked friendly alright. I sighed and moved back towards my bed, missing Sophia’s fluffy haven.

Soe hopped up on my stomach and curled into a little ball. “I’m glad you’re happy, cat,” I grumbled. He purred in response.

-

The next day at school, I was decked out in total ‘Back off’ gear. I’d donned a black hoodie on top of my usual outfit and pulled the hood up. It was slightly too big and made me resemble a Death Eater from Harry Potter. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. No one picked fights with Death Eaters. They’d go all Avada Kedavra on their ass. God, I wished I lived in the wizarding world. I’d hook up with Voldemort and we’d kill everyone. Not just Mudbloods but anyone who had ever pissed us off. Goodbye half the population of the world. You won’t be missed.

Travis didn’t even try making the usual small talk with me. He kissed me on the cheek and headed in the opposite direction. Thank god he’d found his brain. What my outfit didn’t accomplish, my glare certainly did. I was given a five foot radius as I walked to my advisory. It was, of course, empty, except for Matt. He looked up when I walked in and eyed my cautiously, probably waiting to see if I’d flip out on him again. Hoping to keep him on his toes, I slid into the desk directly in front of him. It was generally acknowledged as Kelly Sweetwater’s desk but she was pretty easily intimidated and so I didn’t think it’d be too much of a hassle to sit here.

“Can I help you, McKinley?” He’d said similar words to me before. But this time they were polite, the words exchanged between a student and a teacher.

“I want to say sorry,” I said, surprising even myself.

Matt’s eyebrows shot way up. “Really?” He was still wary. Good man.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said. “I was having a bad day.” Understatement. I was having a bad fucking year. I got up from the seat, feeling awkward at my apology. I wasn’t one for sorrys. I rarely meant them. I picked up a dry erase marker and solved all the problems written on the board.

“How’d you get so good at math?” Matt asked me. He’d stood up, too, and was leaning against his desk. I could tell he was purposely avoiding any landmine topics. I shrugged and scribbled some more problems up there. A few turned into nasty fractions and decimals but some of them turned out okay. When I was done, I erased my answers and turned to face Matt.

I twirled the pen between my fingers, not looking at him. I didn’t know why I felt so shy but I did. I never felt this way with Travis, ever. “Ever since I was little, I’ve been able to do complicated math problems. I think the doctor called me a prodigy? I don’t know.” I uncapped and recapped the pen. Uncap, recap. Uncap, recap. Over and over until Matt reached out and snatched the pen from my fingers. “Sorry.”

“A prodigy, huh? You good at anything else?”

“Yep. Pretty much everything else school-related. I’m just extra good at math.” McKinley Miller, genius. If only, if only. When I was reincarnated, I was going to fast-track myself to nerd-dom. Less drama and hello, they have awesome video games.

Matt stepped closer. This was dangerous. The bell would ring any minute. But I couldn’t bring myself to worry about it. Matt pushed my hood off my head, exposing my frizzy hair. “And yet, you’re failing.” He was teasing me. I could see the glint in his eyes. I was so relieved to see that again that my knees were weak. After everything, maybe this could be okay again. He touched my cheek lightly and I leaned into his hand. This was familiar. This was safe. This wasn’t frenzied or hormonal like so much of my relationship with Travis. This wasn’t for distraction. This was for me.

But then the bell rang and the moment was shattered. We both stepped away. I slid my hood back on and retreated to my spot in the back. As students trickled in, I caught Matt’s eye. He winked. I smiled and sank deeper into my jacket, feeling like a third grader who was crushing hard on a sixth grader who had just given her a lollipop. And I wanted this feeling all to myself.

I sat with Dash and Sophia and Travis at lunch. I’d abandoned my hood but kept a sour look on my face, despite the contentment that was settling inside of me. I picked at my French fries, one of the only edible things our school served. Sophia ate nothing but sipped on some water. Dash and Travis stuffed their faces full of greasy, processed hamburger and pizza. Sophia and I both gave each other looks of disgust. We were dating pigs. Yuck.

Alternating between burger and ‘za, Travis and Dash managed to actually converse. They talked about the upcoming football game and how practice was killer. Sophia also talked. She talked my ear off, actually, but I wasn’t really paying attention. I’d sort of zoned out when I noticed Matt walk into the cafeteria. It wasn’t until Travis shook me that I realized they’d been talking to me, not just at me.

“So, what do you think?” Travis asked. “Are you up for it?”

“It’ll be so fun,” Sophia gushed. Dash gave me a lazy smile.

What were they talking about? “Uh, what?” I smiled sheepishly.

Dash laughed. “Stevie Wilson is throwing a party on Friday. His parents are in Bali all week and he’s got that whole mansion to himself.”

Party? Memories of the last party I’d gone to flashed through my mind. Hooking up with Travis. Smoking a joint. Getting drunk. Waking up the next morning with a hangover and an addiction. A flare of anger swelled inside of me. Did they want a repeat performance?! Was the whole ordeal two years ago not enough for them? Or did they have to ruin my life a second time?

“No! Of course not,” I said. “You guys are out of your mind.” I stood up abruptly. Travis tugged on my hand.

“Hey, I know you don’t like parties,” he told me, “but seriously, this isn’t anything like that one two years ago.” His brown eyes were sincere. “I promise, I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

As badly as he wanted me to go, I just couldn’t. I shook my head. “You guys go,” I insisted, “I’ll study. I still have mountains of homework to catch up on this weekend.” Travis looked sad, like a puppy dog who’d had his bone taken away. But I wouldn’t go to a party again. Not when there was even a slight risk of anything bad going down. I just couldn’t take another year of drugs and rehab. But I sat back down and tuned out their chatter. I sought out Matt, who was sitting at a table by the door. He had his lunch spread out before him. “I’ll be right back.”

I got up from the table and made my way towards him. I was a few feet away when I noticed he was talking on his cell phone. “Babe, I’m at work,” he said, “No, I will on my home. Okay, okay. Yes, I love you, too. Bye.” You could have knocked me over with a feather. I felt like someone had slapped me and sucker punched me. Travis wouldn’t be able to distract me from this. No one could. But something else might be able to.

“Travis,” I said when I’d sat down again, “Count me in for that party.”