The Past Is Behind Us

Later that night I slept in the chair in Johnny's room, or tried rather. I was awake and over thinking.

What if what Gena's been saying is true? What if Zack does love her and is happy with her? Are we even together anymore? What if I were to just leave.

BUT! What if that hoe is lying out her ass, Zack is only taking one for the team and he hates her, we are together and he'd be devastated if I left?

Fucking yin and yang.

UGH. This is one of the reasons when I lived with my parents I didn't date many boys. There's always a jealous ex isn't there? At least she hasn't tried to kill me or anything. Yet.

What really hurts me is when she made me realize I don't know their real names. After being such good friends with them for so long, we're practically family (except Zack of course) I trust them with my life, and my secrets. But why can't they trust me?

I've told them some deep things, like that I can't get pregnant because I don't have a womb and they can't tell me their names?! I guess the trust is one sided, and it hurts. I thought we were all closer than that. Guess I was wrong.

I refuse to bring it up though. How do I know they'll tell me the truth? And even if they do, I don't want them to tell me because they feel obliged, I want them to tell me because they trust me.

Trust is important in any kind of relationship, even a slightly fucked up one like the one I'm in with the guys. Referring to our...uh...past.

I don't remember falling asleep, but I woke up to the sun in my eyes. I groaned and opened them, seeing a shirtless Johnny in front of me. “Why did you sleep in the chair?”

Not bringing it up.

“Something different.” I lied with a shrug.

“Oh, okay.” he left the room so I could get around.

After I put in my earrings, I looked at my ear lobes and imagined them stretched. To something maybe the size of Matt's. I kinda want to do it. I'll consider it.

I left the room and headed to the kitchen, plugging my ears from the sounds already coming from...that room.

When I made it, Syn, The Rev and Johnny were already in there.

I made oatmeal and as I ate it, tried to guess their names. For Syn...uh...Synyster Gates...uh, Shawn? Charile? Stephen (Stefan) maybe? Mmmm for Rev...Michael? Max? Not sure why I'm feeling 'M's For Johnny, well I'm sure Johnny is is real first name but his last name...no idea.

“What?” They all said at once.

“Huh?” I blinked.

“You've been staring at all of us for like five minuets.” Syn answered.

“Yeah it's weird. I know I'm hot though, thanks for noticing!” The Rev batted his eye lashes. Everyone but him laughed.

“What?! I am and you're all jealous!” He acted offended and stomped his foot.

“Sure we are.” Johnny said through his laughter.

The Rev laughed humorlessly and strutted like a screwed up runway model out of the room making us laugh more.

When we recovered, Syn looked me up and down. “Nice outfit Cass.”

“Thanks.” I decided it's been too long since I wore a skirt so I did, but I didn't want to be anything like that whore so I'm wearing an Iron Maiden shirt.

I looked down and noticed my Avenged Sevenfold tattoo of the what they call a 'deathbat' is totally visible.

I frowned at it then put my bowel in the sink and left Syn and Johnny alone.

“Cassidy wait!” I kept walking as they caught up to me, Syn grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. I kept my head low.

“What's wrong?” Johnny asked.

“Nothing I just...girl problems.” I lied dumbly.

“Like?”

“...Period.”

“Bullshit Cassidy. We all know you don't get that.” Syn snickered, upset that I lied to him.

“...Stuff.”

“Like what?” Johnny pressed.

“...personal stuff.” I said expressionlessly. I refused to let the hurt leak into my voice, thoughts of mistrust and betrayal ran rampant in my head.

“Damn it how are we supposed to help when you won't tell us what's wrong?!” Syn clutched his fists, anger rising.

“Don't. Just...leave me alone. Please.” My voice cracked on the last word, Syn growled and stomped away.

“Are you okay?” Johnny tried to touch my shoulder to comfort me but I shoved him back and ran away with tears in my eyes.

Being around them hurt. Knowing that they clearly don't trust me as much as I trust then. After all this time and they still won't tell me! It breaks my heart.

The rest of the day, and the next three days I spent sleeping on the couch in the living room. I didn't talk to the guys no matter how hard they tried, not even The Rev.

Gena seemed to be silently gloating in victory the whole time. Grinning like she won the fucking lottery 100 times in a row.

I secluded myself in the music room, locking the door and not coming out unless it was to go to the bathroom, or eat.

I wrote a song, for the first time in a while. It had a piano part and a guitar later, I called it “When Your Gone” About Zacky of course. Honestly I did bull shit a bit of it, so it would sound good.

When I was writing it I cried constantly. I remembered watching Zack walk down the hall after Gena looking sad. 30 steps. I love him so much it hurts, but he's not there. This stupid bitch is tearing me apart! She knows just how to hurt me.

I remembered how Zack's nose crinkles in the cutest way, how he rubs the back of his head sometimes, how when he smiled his lip rings would catch the light in the most beautiful way. He's so wonderful but he can't spend anytime with me. It hurt not only to know that he's having sex with Gena, but also to know it's against his will.

But who am I kidding? I don't even know the guy's last name. Or any of their last names.

Oh my god.

What is MY last name?! I...I can't remember. Why can't I remember?!

I noticed that I've taken to dressing more like I did before. Like a teenager, but that's what I am isn't it? I'm seventeen, not twenty. Not like a really have a ...boyfriend to dress pretty for anymore. Maybe I should start acting my age. I managed to get into Johnny's mirror cupboard and got some hair dye, pink believe it or not. I added a stripe to my hair. I got ear tapers too and I'm starting to stretch my ears.

This is how I was before I was raped in front of my parents and kidnapped. When I had a job, a best friend, when I was content with life mostly and my biggest problem was passing the mile run in gym. Now theres so much more than that, everything's so complicated now.