(Control) Mirror
Not Enough
Present
My hands shook furiously. How could this happen? I don't even know how it all happened.
Dear god, how did it become like this?
-
Ten Hours Earlier
Someone knocked on the door just as I opened the microwave door. It startled me so I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I touched the packet to pull it out but accidentally touched the inside which made me yelp and drop it onto the floor. Well now I've burned myself and wasted my dinner.
Another knock had me leaving the food on the floor and heading to the front door. My mood instantly lifted when I saw who was behind it. "Gerard! What are you doing here?"
He smiled at me. "Hey Frankie. The electric and heating in my place is busted and no one can fix it until next week so I was wondering whether I could stay the night?" he explained, showing me the small bag he had in his hand. I nodded and let him in, closing the door behind him and pulling the bolt and lock on. When I turned round he was facing me with his eyebrow raised.
"What?" I asked, looking confused.
"They're new."
"You've never been here at night Gerard, I'm a paranoid mess when I'm alone." He laughed and followed me down the hallway and into the kitchen.
"Did I miss something?" he asked, referring to the food on the floor. I rolled my eyes before stepping over it and going over to the fridge.
"You can clear that up seeing as you knocking caused it," I told him as I pulled out the two pots of pasta I had for next week. I can always buy some more.
He laughed but grabbed the cloth from the sink and started cleaning it up, putting the lumps of food back in the packet. I was only joking but I won't tell him that now. I placed the pots of pasta in the microwave before helping Gerard with the cleaning of the other food.
-
Present
It felt like I couldn't breathe as I sat there, knees up and head between them. It wasn't helping but I wasn't giving up.
Why did it happen? Why, why, why?!
A loud noise made me jump and I felt myself shake with the fear of what had happened.
-
Eight Hours Earlier
"Frankie?" Gerard called from the bathroom, a puzzled tone in his voice. I looked up from my book and saw that he was standing just by the door now.
"Yeah?"
"Why is the mirror covered?" he asked which made me freeze. My fingers clenched around the book tightly and I felt the side of it dig into them harshly.
I swallowed lightly before answering him. "It's broken and I guess I haven't got round to getting it fixed."
"Oh. Why is it still on the wall?"
"It's nailed to the wall," I muttered, looking back down at my book. I heard him make a sound of acknowledgement followed by the door shutting. I closed my book against my fingers and shut my eyes, breathing heavily out of my nose.
Oh god.
-
Present
Trembling slightly, I stood up on shaking legs and slowly inched my way over to the noise. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom.
I had only just ran from that room.
-
Five Hours Earlier
"Gee?" I whispered, watching him from my side of the bed. He didn't reply so I gathered that he was asleep which made me sigh.
A voice made me jump. "What Frankie?" I recognised it as Gerard's voice.
"Did I wake you?"
"It's fine Frank. What's up?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbow so that he was facing me.
"I can't sleep," I told him, sitting up. He followed suit but reached over to turn the lamp on. It made me close my eyes for a moment until they adjusted to the bright light.
We stayed talking quietly for a while, not really talking about anything specific though. He had a little rant about how he would have to pay the whole electric bill this month even though he doesn't have it now nor will he have it until next week. He involved the heating bill rant in with that one as well.
It was going well until he brought up that.
"Hey Frank... that mirror in the bathroom isn't broken." I stopped for a moment, not expecting him to say that and honestly, slightly frightened that he mentioned it. Why would he?
He wasn't even mentioning it subtly; it was clear as day. "No... but it is nailed to the wall," I told him, hoping that he wouldn't want to know why I had lied to him.
I saw him nod his head and I thought he would just leave it there but when I heard him speak again, I realised that he wasn't. "Why is it covered, Frank?"
-
Present
The bathroom taunted me as I stepped closer to it. It was accusing me even though I didn't mean it. I really didn't.
It just happened, honest.
I couldn't stop it from happening.
-
Three Hours and Thirty Two Minutes Earlier
I didn't know how I could tell him. It was hard to think about let alone talk about. But I managed, somehow, and he didn't say anything as I explained it to him. In a way, it was why I rarely ever had him over here. I mostly went over to his place because it was easier, I guess, to go to his because then I wouldn't have to explain anything to him if he came over here.
His bathroom doesn't have a mirror so I never had to worry about anything at his. I had spent many hours trying to get the mirror off of the wall but it was futile and absolutely not happening. I only found out why when I got in contact with the landlord. He told me that it wasn't something that could be removed.
"Oh Frankie, why didn't you say anything about this before?" Gerard asked, concern in his eyes.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't like being like this. It's stupid, I know it is, but I just can't help it. I really can't and I hate it." I told him which had him smile lightly before pressing his lips against my lips lightly. When he pulled away I breathed out a little heavier than usual.
"Nothing like this is stupid to me, okay Frank? I'm here for you to tell all these things to without having to worry about me judging you or making fun of you, okay? This is what boyfriends do Frank." I nodded at his words and wrapped my arms around his waist, silently thanking him for listening.
-
Present
The sight nearly made me puke. It took all that I had to stop myself and honestly, I didn't have a lot.
How can I live with myself? How can I breathe knowing I did that?
Oh god, I'm going to be sick.
-
Two Hours Earlier
"I want to help you, Frank," Gerard's voice pierced the silence. I thought he had gone back to sleep and had been laying on my back for the past hour or so. It certainly seemed like he was asleep because I didn't think he could be as quiet and still as he had been then.
"Help me... how?" I questioned, not really liking where this could be approaching.
He didn't answer the question. "Do you trust me Frank?" he asked, sitting up again. I hesitated with my answer. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, because I honestly did, but I had a feeling about what he was hinting at and it wasn't something that I wanted.
"Of course I do," I finally answered after a short battle about whether I should lie so that I didn't have to find out just why he asked that.
I watched as he got off of the bed and walked over to the other side of the wall and flipped the light switch on. I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them and looking at him, furrowing my eyebrows slightly. My stomach was doing somersaults.
He held his hand out for me to go to him and I realised that it was what I was afraid of. Nevertheless I climbed off the bed and slowly made my way over to him. I think he realised that I was really terrified because his expression soften and he grasped my hand and pulled me to his chest, just holding me close to him.
-
Present
My hands shook as I lent against the wall. The smell of my vomit wasn't doing anything but making the tears run down my cheeks faster.
He just wanted to help... why did this happen to him?
A sob echoed through the room and I realised that I was no longer sobbing quietly.
I could no longer keep it in.
-
Half an Hour Earlier
He was still trying to convince me to go into the bathroom. I didn't think that I could do that, not with what he wanted me to do. I wasn't strong enough to do that and to be honest, I never wanted to have to do that. It just wasn't something that I had ever wanted to do.
"Come on Frank, I'll be right there beside you. I won't leave you baby, I promise," he told me, his hands cupping my face and making me face him. I didn't want to look into his eyes and see the truth, the sincerity. I couldn't do this, I knew I couldn't and yet he thought I could.
I don't even know why.
"I can't," I told him, trembling at the mere thought of it, "this isn't something that I can just do Gerard." I felt close to tears and I wasn't even in the room.
He sighed softly before pecking my lips lightly. I knew what he was trying to do. "Please Frankie. I'll hold your hand the whole way. Just once baby, just so I can try and help you. If it doesn't help then I'll never ask you to do it again. I promise."
I breathed out heavily, knowing that he wasn't going to give up. He wanted me to do this for some reason I didn't understand. I really didn't want to do it because I didn't think I could but he was going to be there with me. He does make me feel stronger than I am. "O-Okay Gee, just this once. For you," I told him, my voice shaking and I could even feel the tears just wanting to prick at my eyes.
-
Present
I couldn't stay in the room. I couldn't stop my sobbing either. Running from the room felt like the hardest thing to do and it crushed me with guilt even more.
I found myself in the kitchen, sight blurry and the feeling that I needed to puke again. This time I made it to the sink before I found myself spilling whatever was left in my stomach from yesterday.
My body was still heaving as I stopped puking. I shuddered and fumbled around for the drawer directly in front of me. I opened it with a bit too much force and it came flying out, the impact making me stumble back and fall on the floor.
I had to do this.
-
Fifteen Minutes Earlier
He held my hand tightly, squeezing it in reassurance as he reached up to the cover that was on the mirror. I held my breath and wanted to look away. It was an overwhelming urge to just run from where but Gerard was keeping me here with the fact that he was holding my hand tightly.
"Frankie breathe, okay?" he said before he tugged the cover off of the mirror which had me turning my head fast so that I wasn't looking. My heart beat heavily in my chest at the thought that I had almost looked. "Come on Frank, for me? Please."
My mind was running fast and I could hear myself screaming that I shouldn't look at it because I knew what was going to happen. It happened before so it would happen again. But Gerard sounded so hopeful and he wanted me to at least do this thing and I felt I owed him this much for putting up with me all these times.
As soon as I looked at the mirror I felt everything that happened as a kid flood back to me. This couldn't be happening again. But it seemed it was.
"Frankie?" I heard Gerard ask but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the mirror. That wasn't me. That wasn't my reflection. But the worst thing of all was that I looked over at Gerard's reflection. It wasn't his. "Whatever you're seeing is just your mind playing tricks on you."
He's a liar.
My fear was trying to drown me as I stood there, staring at the mirror in front of me. I tried tugging my hand out from Gerard's grip but I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. My eyes went wide and I felt my heart begin beating frantically.
"No, no, NO! You're a monster," I screamed, turning away from the mirror and still seeing the thing from the mirror.
"What are you doing?!" he yelled, eyes wide. It just wouldn't stop and I needed to stop it.
I couldn't stop myself from pushing him and shoving him, trying to get him to let go of me and to try and get away. He just wouldn't let go. Why wouldn't he let go?
"Get away from me!" I screamed, pushing him back harshly, his back colliding with the mirror as did the back of his head. His eyes were even wider. "Leave me alone!" I cried, pushing him against the mirror harder. It needed to go. It needed to break.
"Fran-" I cut him off by grabbing his head and slamming it back against the glass. It needed to shut up.
It had taken my Gerard. I saw it had taken him just by looking at his reflection.
I had to kill it before it killed me. I had to.
And... I did.
-
Present
My tears didn't stop as I attacked my arm with the already bloodied knife in my hand. I killed him.
I killed Gerard.
Another sob broke out from me and I dug the knife deep into my arm. Why did it make me do that? Why him?
The blood flowed from the deep wound but it just wasn't enough. It couldn't be enough. I dug it back into my arm, stabbing at the different places, wanting to get rid of feeling like this.
I killed Gerard.
A broken sob escaped my lips and I found my hand trembling so much that I had to drop the knife. It clattered to the floor and in the pool of blood that was steadily forming. I felt myself needing to be sick but nothing else would escape its prison.
I bowed forward, head on the kitchen floor and my body racked with sobs.
I'm so fucking horrible. I don't deserve to live.
Without another thought I slammed my head down on the floor, tears leaking from my eyes even faster. My head throbbed but I couldn't stop.
I had to punish myself. I didn't deserve the little suffering I had now. I had to have more. I deserved more.
I didn't stop until I was a quivering, sobbing wreck on the floor.
It controlled me until it took everything I had and it still wanted more.
My hands shook furiously. How could this happen? I don't even know how it all happened.
Dear god, how did it become like this?
-
Ten Hours Earlier
Someone knocked on the door just as I opened the microwave door. It startled me so I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and I touched the packet to pull it out but accidentally touched the inside which made me yelp and drop it onto the floor. Well now I've burned myself and wasted my dinner.
Another knock had me leaving the food on the floor and heading to the front door. My mood instantly lifted when I saw who was behind it. "Gerard! What are you doing here?"
He smiled at me. "Hey Frankie. The electric and heating in my place is busted and no one can fix it until next week so I was wondering whether I could stay the night?" he explained, showing me the small bag he had in his hand. I nodded and let him in, closing the door behind him and pulling the bolt and lock on. When I turned round he was facing me with his eyebrow raised.
"What?" I asked, looking confused.
"They're new."
"You've never been here at night Gerard, I'm a paranoid mess when I'm alone." He laughed and followed me down the hallway and into the kitchen.
"Did I miss something?" he asked, referring to the food on the floor. I rolled my eyes before stepping over it and going over to the fridge.
"You can clear that up seeing as you knocking caused it," I told him as I pulled out the two pots of pasta I had for next week. I can always buy some more.
He laughed but grabbed the cloth from the sink and started cleaning it up, putting the lumps of food back in the packet. I was only joking but I won't tell him that now. I placed the pots of pasta in the microwave before helping Gerard with the cleaning of the other food.
-
Present
It felt like I couldn't breathe as I sat there, knees up and head between them. It wasn't helping but I wasn't giving up.
Why did it happen? Why, why, why?!
A loud noise made me jump and I felt myself shake with the fear of what had happened.
-
Eight Hours Earlier
"Frankie?" Gerard called from the bathroom, a puzzled tone in his voice. I looked up from my book and saw that he was standing just by the door now.
"Yeah?"
"Why is the mirror covered?" he asked which made me freeze. My fingers clenched around the book tightly and I felt the side of it dig into them harshly.
I swallowed lightly before answering him. "It's broken and I guess I haven't got round to getting it fixed."
"Oh. Why is it still on the wall?"
"It's nailed to the wall," I muttered, looking back down at my book. I heard him make a sound of acknowledgement followed by the door shutting. I closed my book against my fingers and shut my eyes, breathing heavily out of my nose.
Oh god.
-
Present
Trembling slightly, I stood up on shaking legs and slowly inched my way over to the noise. It sounded like it was coming from the bathroom.
I had only just ran from that room.
-
Five Hours Earlier
"Gee?" I whispered, watching him from my side of the bed. He didn't reply so I gathered that he was asleep which made me sigh.
A voice made me jump. "What Frankie?" I recognised it as Gerard's voice.
"Did I wake you?"
"It's fine Frank. What's up?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbow so that he was facing me.
"I can't sleep," I told him, sitting up. He followed suit but reached over to turn the lamp on. It made me close my eyes for a moment until they adjusted to the bright light.
We stayed talking quietly for a while, not really talking about anything specific though. He had a little rant about how he would have to pay the whole electric bill this month even though he doesn't have it now nor will he have it until next week. He involved the heating bill rant in with that one as well.
It was going well until he brought up that.
"Hey Frank... that mirror in the bathroom isn't broken." I stopped for a moment, not expecting him to say that and honestly, slightly frightened that he mentioned it. Why would he?
He wasn't even mentioning it subtly; it was clear as day. "No... but it is nailed to the wall," I told him, hoping that he wouldn't want to know why I had lied to him.
I saw him nod his head and I thought he would just leave it there but when I heard him speak again, I realised that he wasn't. "Why is it covered, Frank?"
-
Present
The bathroom taunted me as I stepped closer to it. It was accusing me even though I didn't mean it. I really didn't.
It just happened, honest.
I couldn't stop it from happening.
-
Three Hours and Thirty Two Minutes Earlier
I didn't know how I could tell him. It was hard to think about let alone talk about. But I managed, somehow, and he didn't say anything as I explained it to him. In a way, it was why I rarely ever had him over here. I mostly went over to his place because it was easier, I guess, to go to his because then I wouldn't have to explain anything to him if he came over here.
His bathroom doesn't have a mirror so I never had to worry about anything at his. I had spent many hours trying to get the mirror off of the wall but it was futile and absolutely not happening. I only found out why when I got in contact with the landlord. He told me that it wasn't something that could be removed.
"Oh Frankie, why didn't you say anything about this before?" Gerard asked, concern in his eyes.
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't like being like this. It's stupid, I know it is, but I just can't help it. I really can't and I hate it." I told him which had him smile lightly before pressing his lips against my lips lightly. When he pulled away I breathed out a little heavier than usual.
"Nothing like this is stupid to me, okay Frank? I'm here for you to tell all these things to without having to worry about me judging you or making fun of you, okay? This is what boyfriends do Frank." I nodded at his words and wrapped my arms around his waist, silently thanking him for listening.
-
Present
The sight nearly made me puke. It took all that I had to stop myself and honestly, I didn't have a lot.
How can I live with myself? How can I breathe knowing I did that?
Oh god, I'm going to be sick.
-
Two Hours Earlier
"I want to help you, Frank," Gerard's voice pierced the silence. I thought he had gone back to sleep and had been laying on my back for the past hour or so. It certainly seemed like he was asleep because I didn't think he could be as quiet and still as he had been then.
"Help me... how?" I questioned, not really liking where this could be approaching.
He didn't answer the question. "Do you trust me Frank?" he asked, sitting up again. I hesitated with my answer. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, because I honestly did, but I had a feeling about what he was hinting at and it wasn't something that I wanted.
"Of course I do," I finally answered after a short battle about whether I should lie so that I didn't have to find out just why he asked that.
I watched as he got off of the bed and walked over to the other side of the wall and flipped the light switch on. I closed my eyes for a moment before opening them and looking at him, furrowing my eyebrows slightly. My stomach was doing somersaults.
He held his hand out for me to go to him and I realised that it was what I was afraid of. Nevertheless I climbed off the bed and slowly made my way over to him. I think he realised that I was really terrified because his expression soften and he grasped my hand and pulled me to his chest, just holding me close to him.
-
Present
My hands shook as I lent against the wall. The smell of my vomit wasn't doing anything but making the tears run down my cheeks faster.
He just wanted to help... why did this happen to him?
A sob echoed through the room and I realised that I was no longer sobbing quietly.
I could no longer keep it in.
-
Half an Hour Earlier
He was still trying to convince me to go into the bathroom. I didn't think that I could do that, not with what he wanted me to do. I wasn't strong enough to do that and to be honest, I never wanted to have to do that. It just wasn't something that I had ever wanted to do.
"Come on Frank, I'll be right there beside you. I won't leave you baby, I promise," he told me, his hands cupping my face and making me face him. I didn't want to look into his eyes and see the truth, the sincerity. I couldn't do this, I knew I couldn't and yet he thought I could.
I don't even know why.
"I can't," I told him, trembling at the mere thought of it, "this isn't something that I can just do Gerard." I felt close to tears and I wasn't even in the room.
He sighed softly before pecking my lips lightly. I knew what he was trying to do. "Please Frankie. I'll hold your hand the whole way. Just once baby, just so I can try and help you. If it doesn't help then I'll never ask you to do it again. I promise."
I breathed out heavily, knowing that he wasn't going to give up. He wanted me to do this for some reason I didn't understand. I really didn't want to do it because I didn't think I could but he was going to be there with me. He does make me feel stronger than I am. "O-Okay Gee, just this once. For you," I told him, my voice shaking and I could even feel the tears just wanting to prick at my eyes.
-
Present
I couldn't stay in the room. I couldn't stop my sobbing either. Running from the room felt like the hardest thing to do and it crushed me with guilt even more.
I found myself in the kitchen, sight blurry and the feeling that I needed to puke again. This time I made it to the sink before I found myself spilling whatever was left in my stomach from yesterday.
My body was still heaving as I stopped puking. I shuddered and fumbled around for the drawer directly in front of me. I opened it with a bit too much force and it came flying out, the impact making me stumble back and fall on the floor.
I had to do this.
-
Fifteen Minutes Earlier
He held my hand tightly, squeezing it in reassurance as he reached up to the cover that was on the mirror. I held my breath and wanted to look away. It was an overwhelming urge to just run from where but Gerard was keeping me here with the fact that he was holding my hand tightly.
"Frankie breathe, okay?" he said before he tugged the cover off of the mirror which had me turning my head fast so that I wasn't looking. My heart beat heavily in my chest at the thought that I had almost looked. "Come on Frank, for me? Please."
My mind was running fast and I could hear myself screaming that I shouldn't look at it because I knew what was going to happen. It happened before so it would happen again. But Gerard sounded so hopeful and he wanted me to at least do this thing and I felt I owed him this much for putting up with me all these times.
As soon as I looked at the mirror I felt everything that happened as a kid flood back to me. This couldn't be happening again. But it seemed it was.
"Frankie?" I heard Gerard ask but I couldn't tear my eyes away from the mirror. That wasn't me. That wasn't my reflection. But the worst thing of all was that I looked over at Gerard's reflection. It wasn't his. "Whatever you're seeing is just your mind playing tricks on you."
He's a liar.
My fear was trying to drown me as I stood there, staring at the mirror in front of me. I tried tugging my hand out from Gerard's grip but I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. My eyes went wide and I felt my heart begin beating frantically.
"No, no, NO! You're a monster," I screamed, turning away from the mirror and still seeing the thing from the mirror.
"What are you doing?!" he yelled, eyes wide. It just wouldn't stop and I needed to stop it.
I couldn't stop myself from pushing him and shoving him, trying to get him to let go of me and to try and get away. He just wouldn't let go. Why wouldn't he let go?
"Get away from me!" I screamed, pushing him back harshly, his back colliding with the mirror as did the back of his head. His eyes were even wider. "Leave me alone!" I cried, pushing him against the mirror harder. It needed to go. It needed to break.
"Fran-" I cut him off by grabbing his head and slamming it back against the glass. It needed to shut up.
It had taken my Gerard. I saw it had taken him just by looking at his reflection.
I had to kill it before it killed me. I had to.
And... I did.
-
Present
My tears didn't stop as I attacked my arm with the already bloodied knife in my hand. I killed him.
I killed Gerard.
Another sob broke out from me and I dug the knife deep into my arm. Why did it make me do that? Why him?
The blood flowed from the deep wound but it just wasn't enough. It couldn't be enough. I dug it back into my arm, stabbing at the different places, wanting to get rid of feeling like this.
I killed Gerard.
A broken sob escaped my lips and I found my hand trembling so much that I had to drop the knife. It clattered to the floor and in the pool of blood that was steadily forming. I felt myself needing to be sick but nothing else would escape its prison.
I bowed forward, head on the kitchen floor and my body racked with sobs.
I'm so fucking horrible. I don't deserve to live.
Without another thought I slammed my head down on the floor, tears leaking from my eyes even faster. My head throbbed but I couldn't stop.
I had to punish myself. I didn't deserve the little suffering I had now. I had to have more. I deserved more.
I didn't stop until I was a quivering, sobbing wreck on the floor.
It controlled me until it took everything I had and it still wanted more.