Let It Be Me

Austin shut the door to the apartment behind them and locked it. Jax sat at the table in the dining area and dropped a thick stack of pages on the table in front of him. Austin peered over from where she stood to read it.



She frowned. "Your dad wrote this?"

Jax nodded. "Everything that the Sons are, Austin, that's never what my dad meant for it to be. The more that I read, the more it seems like none of the first nine meant for it to be this way."

Austin pulled the manuscript in front of her and flipped through the pages, skimming passages here and there. If I was wronged by anyone, in or out of the club, I had to be compensated. Money or blood. There was no turning the other cheek. When relationships become a ledger of profit and loss, you have no friends, no loved ones; just pluses and minuses. She read the words in her head, then closed the book.

"Jax, this was another time. Your dad couldn't have known what the club would eventually do – or even have to do to survive."

He shook his head. "But he could see it coming. Don't you get it? Everything that I am today is everything my father didn't want me to be."

She took a deep breath and took a few steps to where he sat. She sat down in his lap, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed the soft spot behind his ear.

"Jackson, you are a good man. You take care of your family, you look out for your club. I don't know many other men who call themselves men and truly deserve the title, except for the men in SAMCRO. You are part of something that is maybe not what it was supposed to be, but it's become an entity of strength." She took a deep breath. "I think you need to at least talk to your mom about this, if not Clay too."

He pushed her gently off his lap and stood. "See, you don't get it. If you did, you'd see that I can't talk to them – everything that my father said was wrong with the club is not only what I am, but Gemma and Clay are the epitome of it! You haven't been around long enough to see the way they keep everyone on such a short leash … do you know they would have me killed if I questioned even the littlest bit how the club is being run? They'd say I was a traitor and they'd get rid of me. That's what happens to traitors, Austin."

She shook her head fervently. "I don't believe it. That's not how a family works."

"You're so naïve!" Jax yelled. "It's how this family works. You don't believe it because you don't realize how close you were to that fate. Do you know if we had found out that you were a rat before you came clean, you'd be dead by now? For all either of us knows, they're plotting to kill you just to be on the safe side. Rats and traitors don't survive in this world, and because of that, you can't trust anyone. Maybe I'm just here to find the right moment to kill you in your sleep. Give you a sense of security and then deliver the blow when you least expect."

Her open hand came up in his peripheral vision and landed with a loud slap across his cheek. Her chest was heaving and her face was red with anger.

"Then get the hell out of here," Austin told him through clenched teeth. "Get. The. Fuck. Out."

Jax picked up the manuscript from the table and walked calmly out of the apartment. Austin watched him go, not finding it too hard to believe that it had only taken them a couple of days to get in a fight like that – especially considering what they were fighting over. She didn't think for one minute that the Sons were out to get her, but Jax had some nerve, turning his issues around on her.

.:.

He sat on the roof of the clubhouse with a flashlight, reading over the words that his father had written so long ago. He wished the old man was still around to answer his questions – to show him the damn manuscript so that Jax didn't have to just stumble on it and wonder what in the hell his life meant now.

Heavy boots stepped up the ladder to the roof, so Jax closed the book and shove it quickly under his cut. A sigh of relief escaped him when Opie appeared and sat next to him.

"What are you doing up here?" Opie asked. "Shouldn't you and Austin be getting noise complaints from her building manager by now?"

Jax smirked. "Yeah, maybe for yelling at each other too loud."

"You're fighting already?"

"Well, it's me and Austin. What can you expect, right?"

Opie nodded. "Fair enough. You all right, brother?"

"I don't know, Ope. Starting to wonder if maybe some things are just better left unknown."

Opie frowned. "What, like all of Austin's shit?"

"No, not that." He considered showing Opie the book, but couldn't do it. Opie had been in deeper than ever with SAMCRO since his wife Donna's death – exactly what Jax had been thinking of when he said those things to Austin – and he wasn't sure if his best friend was still the same man. "Just shit about JT."

"I thought you were over that."

"He was my dad, Ope. Clay's fine and all, I just … wonder what might be different if he were here, I guess."

"Don't let that kind of thing get to you, man. Can't change the past or the present."

Jax nodded. "You're right. Guess I better go make up with my old lady."

Opie laughed. "So weird hearing that from you."

Jax chuckled. "It is, isn't it?"

.:.

Austin settled into the warm bath and closed her eyes. She didn't indulge herself too often, but tonight had certainly called for some laid-back music and a bubble bath to release her tension before she went to bed.

She had only been soaking for a few minutes when she heard the lock on the door click and seconds later heard the door close. She sat in the tub frozen; damn Jax and his boost to her paranoia.

The rustlings in the living room lasted less than a minute before a shadow appeared in the hallway, headed in her direction. No time to hide or go for the gun Gemma had so graciously gotten back from Clay and returned to her. She couldn't even breathe.

Her lungs released only when Jax appeared in the doorway. She closed her eyes and threw her head back, rejoicing in the fact that she wasn't going to die tonight.

"You scared the shit out of me."

"I'm sorry," he replied quietly. "I should have announced myself I guess."

Austin nodded. "I guess so. What do you want? Waiting for that opportune moment to rid the club of its latest rat infestation?"

"That's not fair," Jax argued, taking a seat on the edge of the tub. "I was angry, you know that. None of us would ever hurt you, Austin."

"So what do you want?"

"To apologize, for starters. I shouldn't have said what I did, even if I was angry."

"Well," she said. "I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding. I could have listened better."

Jax reached out to wipe a cluster of bubbled from her arm. "I went to the clubhouse and was on the roof. I was reading what my dad wrote and Opie found me. I didn't even want to tell him what I found. That's when I realized not only that you're the only person I really trust right now, but that I've never trusted another woman except for my mom – and even then it's sketchy sometimes. I know we're bound to fight, Aus, but … I don't know. I need us to try a little harder right now though. I've got all this stuff in my head and if I keep it to myself, shit will hit the fan."

Austin nodded. Maybe she didn't understand everything about the club situation, but she understood that Jax having that much trust in her was a big deal. For that, she didn't worry about the bubbles covering her chest or not as she leaned forward, beckoning him for a kiss.

Jax obliged her, balancing himself with a hand on either side of the tub. She transitioned to her knees, wrapping her arms around his neck and winding one hand in his hair. His hands moved from the balancing position to the small of her back, digging in when she playfully bit at his bottom lip.

"Austin …" he breathed.

His tone was full of desire and question. The things Lance and Dougie had put her through were on his mind, and she couldn't have been more grateful to him for that.

"All we can do is try," she answered. "And holy hell, do I want to try."

One end of Jax's mouth turned up in a grin as she once again claimed his lips, and this time with more fervor. Her tongue wrestled with his; Jax couldn't get her out of that bathtub fast enough.

The water sloshed over the edge and out onto the floor and his clothes. With one arm under her legs and the other supporting her back, he carried her to the bedroom and laid her back on the bed. Austin pulled his shirt over his head and her hands immediately went to abdomen, careful of the place where the bullet had grazed him earlier that same evening. He lowered himself between her legs, resting his weight on his elbows.

It was all fine until he moved one hand down to cover her breast. Her muscles tensed first, then her lungs seemed to stop working while her heart beat faster than she'd ever felt it. She shoved him away, sitting up into a tripod position to try and catch her breath.

"Austin, breathe, it's okay. I'm not going to hurt you. Hands off, okay?" Jax said, holding his hands up in surrender. He pulled the blanket so that it was covering her and watched as she struggled to regain a normal breathing pattern. It killed him that he couldn't hold her, for fear it would only make things worse. He had set this off and now all he could do was wait and watch while she tried to forget whatever images were in her mind.

Finally, a couple of minutes later, she opened her eyes again and seemed to be breathing normally. Embarrassment shined through in bright red all over her face, and she looked at Jax, completely mortified.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized. "I thought it would be okay. I trust you, Jax, I do, I just … you put your hands on me and immediately the last time a man had his hands on me came back. I panicked."

"It's all right," he assured her. "Like you said, all we can do is try. Now the last time a man put his hands on you was me."

Austin nodded. "You're right. I think I'm going to get dressed."

"All right." He ventured to kiss her forehead lightly. "I'll be in the other room."

Austin waited for him to go before throwing off the blanket and going for clean jeans and a tank top. She pulled a long sleeve shirt over that, then put on her boots. She brushed and braided her hair before joining him at the dining room table.

"Can I interrupt your reading long enough to ask if you'll take me for a ride?" Austin asked.

Jax frowned with worry. "Where do you want to go?"

"Nowhere in particular," she shrugged. "I just want to go for a ride with you."

Jax had to smile; this was his kind of girl. "All right, darlin'. Let's go."

.:.

Jax stopped them in a place Austin didn't recognize, farther out from Charming then she'd been, but she wasn't scared. She asked where they were just the same, but Jax just smiled and reached for her hand.

"I'm looking for something my father wrote about," he told her.

They hiked for nearly thirty minutes before they found the right place. There, on a stone wall in red letters were the words of Emma Goldman.

"'Anarchism," Jax read aloud, "stands for liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion; the liberation of the human body from the dominion of property; liberation from shackles and restraint of government. It stands for social order based on the free grouping of individuals.'"

Austin stared at it, wide-eyed. "Wow. Sounds like exactly what the club stands for."

"No," Jax replied. "This is what the club is supposed to stand for."

She didn't say anything else, wondering if maybe her lack of understanding and knowledge would lead to another fight. It dawned on her that being Jax's old lady wasn't just pretty words and hot moments; she had to stand by him without question, without explanation. She wasn't sure she knew how to do that at the times when it was most important; even now it was a struggle to just keep her mouth shut. Maybe she could figure out a way to talk to Gemma about it without seeming suspicious that Jax's mind was on new challenges.

And maybe Jax could help her, too. "You have to help me understand, Jax. I want to understand. I don't want to be kept in the dark. I'm not going to be one of those old ladies who just sits by and lets things happen. I'm not saying I'm your equal or anything, but … please. Help me to understand."

He reached out to pull her to him, placing a chaste kiss on her lips. "I don't know if I even understand it."

Austin sighed and put her head on his chest as they both stared at the words, reading them over and over, waiting for understanding to come.

.:.

Jax groaned as he reached for his phone on the nightstand. It had gone off three times in a row now, and it was keeping him from sleeping peacefully.

"What?" he answered.

"Is Austin with you?" Half-Sack asked.

Jax opened his eyes and looked to the girl sleeping beside him. "Yeah, why?"

"I'm coming there. I just got a call from my dad – some shit went down in Carolina and when they couldn't get a hold of Austin, they called him."

"Why would they call him?"

"She only has Austin listed as an emergency contact, but Austin had him listed as one of hers. The police need to talk to her."

Jax frowned. "Why?"

"Look, I'm on my way. We'll talk when I get there."

Jax flipped the phone shut and rolled over. He pulled Austin to him, kissing her lightly to wake her.

"What time is it?" she mumbled.

"Just after three. Your brother's on his way, said it's important. Better put some coffee on."

Austin nodded and rubbed the sleep from her eyes; Jax pulled on his clothes while she made way for the kitchen.