Through the Motions

Carrine Shepard was not happy with the Council. She hung up on them, for the first time, after two incredibly stressful missions.

On the bright side, Benezia was dead, but Liara was heartbroken.

On the horrible side that brought out every doubt Carrine had about her rank? Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams lay in ashes.

The Council had given her the tip-off to Virmire. She talked down Wrex, she did everything right...and she still couldn't wrap her head around the fact one of her soldiers was dead. That one of her friends was dead.

It wasn't death that bothered her. After Mindoir, after Akuze, she'd felt loss before. She'd had soldiers die on missions, just like in the beginning with Jenkins. No, this went deeper, because she'd had to choose who would live and die that day. Carrine tried to convince herself that it made sense through logic - Ashley and herself had nearly identical skill sets, and Kaidan was a very valuable asset to the crew as a technician and as one of the Alliance's strongest biotics. But she knew it wouldn't work. She knew it went even more personal than that, that her emotions had clouded her judgement and had partly guided her to saving him over Ash. And she was disgusted with herself for it.

She held no ill will towards Kaidan for this; he'd tried to talk to her before she holed up in her cabin, refusing to talk to anyone except Hackett or Anderson if they needed her. She knew he could tell by her reaction what her reasoning was, and she hoped he understood that she wasn't angry, that she was simply terrified. Her emotions had not gotten the better of her since she was 16.

A knock at her door broke her out of her reverie, and she checked the outside camera to see Joker. Puzzled, she unlocked the door without saying a word to him. He hobbled in and sat on the chair across from her bed.

"Shepard," he said, getting comfortable and never taking his eyes off of her. "What the hell are you doing?"

Carrine stared at him incredulously. "What am I doing? If you didn't notice, one of my friends just died courtesy of an atomic bomb, Moreau."

He knew the bite in her words and didn't take the bait. "I know you, Shepard. If you haven't forgotten, you were one of my best friends at one point in our lives. You haven't changed as much as you think you have."

They stared at each other for a few minutes, neither wanting to go down that particular path, and Carrine's pride stood strong.

"You're holed up in here because you think it's gonna help," he snapped, "because you, for some reason, take every damn inch of blame on yourself, and you don't look to support from your crew, from your team. Dammit, Shepard, maybe even your friends! The only person I've seen you let in in years is Alenko. We're all worried, it's hit all of us. You think you're alone? Try again."

Carrine glared at him. "And who the hell are you to tell me how to cope? You've pissed off before, the fuck's stopping you now?"

"Because I give a damn, Shepard! I gave one then too, but it's not like you would've listened."

They glared at each other for a few minutes longer, the silence becoming deafening. Joker sighed. "Look, you don't want to talk about it. I get it. But you're not the only one mourning Ash. Just...don't forget that, okay?" He tried giving her a weak smile before standing and leaving her to her thoughts.

She really, really wished she had alcohol.

- - - - - -

They dry docked her.

Those sons of bitched dry docked her ship.

Carrine didn't know any words strong enough to convey her rage.

The crew gave her a wide berth; she'd been withdrawn since Virmire, refusing to open up to anyone and only showing civility to her ground team and Joker. No one had approached her since he'd tried, but she knew Kaidan and Liara wanted to.

And that was another situation she didn't want to deal with. There was that...thing between Kaidan and herself that she was desperately trying to ignore, and the asari's awkward flirting had been shut down, but the forlorn looks hadn't stopped, much to Carrine's annoyance. She didn't like the attention, and simply wished it would be put to better use, like getting the Normandy airborne again.

She punched out her locked by the sleeper pods, sliding down on the floor with her back to it, hands fisted in her short hair. She wanted to scream.

"Shepard?" a voice came from her right. She didn't have to think much to recognize it as Kaidan. "I'm sure there's a way to appeal, we're under Alliance authority after all, not the Council."

She snorted. "All official channels are closed, they were quite clear about that."

He lifted an eyebrow at her. "And we're supposed to accept that? So when the Reapers roll through, where do you think the best seat'll be?"

"We'll figure it out, but it won't be out my damn airlock. I just need everyone to hang tight."

"The crew will support you no matter what, Commander. You know that."

She smiled. "I'm not asking the crew, Alenko. I'm asking you. I don't need a salute here."

Kaidan paused. "Yeah, well, I always leave a way out. I don't want to muddy things up even worse." Another pause. Carrine smiled wryly. "So what? Are we the pride of the fleet or what? Are we valued soldiers or just peons?"

Carrine leaned her head back, smirking at him. "Sometimes I'm pretty sure we're just the dogs of war they want on a tighter leash."

He laughed softly. "Yeah, well. You'll figure it out, Shepard. I'm sure of it." Something shifted between them then, neither willing to break eye contact. "Guess we have some down time, huh? To figure out what we are."

Carrine grabbed his hand when he reached out to her, hoisting herself up a little too forcefully, Kaidan letting out a quiet exhale from the force as he caught her around the waist. They still hadn't let go of the stare, and the air between them was tense.

Not that either one was complaining. Not at all.

Kaidan's eyes drifted down to where a scar on Carrine's lip, and he'd begun to lean in. Her breath caught watching him, and-

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," the pair jumped, stepping back a polite six inches from each other. Carrine felt her face heat up; Kaidan looked sheepish. "But you have a message from Captain Anderson."

"Dammit, are you spying on us, Joker?" she snapped, embarrassment making her annoyed once again. Kaidan had the audacity to laugh at this. She glared in return and he grinned wider.

"No ma'am," came Joker's cheerful reply. He was full of bullshit, she decided. That was too happy a response. "Just knew you were on the ship, figured I'd pass the message along. Captain wants you to meet him at Flux, that club down in the Wards."

"Well, I'd guess you better go, then," Kaidan said, grin still plastered to his face.

"Oh like hell," she snorted, "your ass is coming with me, Alenko."