Mother
1/1
There is a safe in the back of my closet. I don’t open it anymore, mostly because it holds three pictures. It used to hold birth certificates, extra cash, and other important documents. I moved all of those things into a smaller safe which I keep in a drawer next to my bed. The only thing in the safe now is three pictures and it breaks my heart to look at them.
I figure it’s time that we talk about it though because you’re growing up and I know soon you’re going to be at that age where you need to talk about her. I mean, you’re almost 16 for Christ’s sake. You’ve been asking for years, but I guess it's finally time that I get over whether I'm ready or not to talk about her.
Her name was Catherine. I called her Cat though, and it drove her crazy. I always joked when she was pregnant that if she died I’d name you Catherine after her and she would yell at me because she said it was creepy and reminded her of Wuthering Heights. I don’t know why she picked Nelly for you though, but I didn’t question what she wanted. I loved her and I would’ve done anything to keep her alive.
I don’t even know why I took this first picture anymore. It was a crazy whim I think. They just moved in on the other side of the duplex. We talked a few times at block parties, but it had always been very careful and polite. We were both shy and I don’t even know how it happened. We just grew comfortable with each other’s company and next thing I knew we were friends.
One afternoon, I noticed her sitting out there on the roof. I crawled out and sat with her. We talked for a little bit and then she had one of her temper flares. I’d never actually seen one until that point, looking back on it I can’t help but laugh because she was in such a tizzy over nothing. She was like that sometimes.Then again, so are you. It must be genetic.
The air smelt like honeysuckle and she smelt like baby powder and perfume. She looked at me with her red face and shook her head. She’d ranted for an hour about so many things I lost count. But in that moment she stopped and gave me that smile that you give me every time you need pads or something.
“And the worst thing, is this. This stupid relationship we have. I mean, honestly you won’t even hold my hand! I mean really, are you going to kiss me or not? You know I like you a lot, but I’m not going to wait around forever for you. So you better kiss me if you want a shot.” Her exact words. I don’t even know why, but I can still hear her high-pitched voice. I couldn't tell if she was frustrated or embarrassed that I'd made her ask. So I kissed her.
Her ears turned bright red. Like yours did that one time I hung your bras to dry out on the line. I didn’t know you thought the neighbor boy was cute! And they’re not supposed to be put in the dryer. It made sense to me. You should just be happy that I even wash your laundry. When I was your age, I had to do my own laundry.
Oh nevermind that. I kissed her that day and I swear I feel in love. Right there on the spot. I left after Gran called me in for dinner. I peeked out the window and snapped a picture of her without her knowing. I don’t know why, but I had the camera sitting there and I figured I wasn’t going to fall in love for the first time again so I might as well capture the moment.
When we got engaged, I got the second picture. I didn’t take this one, but it has both of us in it and most of the pictures of both her and I were lost when we moved. I only have this one and a small album of wedding pictures. They mean a lot to me. I keep the wedding album out because I figured you might want to see it one day, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave this one out. It was the only one I had and I always want to remember that day.
You know, how you get impatient sometimes? You got that from your mother too. She couldn’t wait for anything. I was surprised she waited the 6 years it took me to propose. She smiled though and said yes when I asked. And she looked at me after I put the ring on her finger and asked me if I was going to kiss her. She went on about it. I mean, I was going to keep it G rated. Her parents were there so I was going to keep it safe, but she wouldn’t stand for that.
I gave her a hug and went to hold her hand as people came over to say congratulations and she pulled me in for a kiss. Then she said if I wasn’t comfortable kissing her she’d give back the ring and just leave. I mean, she wasn’t serious. At least, I hope not. That’s just how your mother was though.
It’s hard for me to believe that a girl who was so shy when we met grew into this loud and outgoing woman. I always expected you to be quiet like she’d been, but you skipped that altogether. You have her social skills. When I see you with your friends I just remember her that day. She was so comfortable with our families and friends there. You’re like that all the time though, just comfortable with life. You remind me of her because of that. It’s hard to believe it.
She didn’t wait on the wedding though. Nope, the wedding was planned in 8 months. We married in June. She was beautiful. Well, she always was. But that day… God, I don’t think I ever saw anyone look so wonderful. I mean, I thought you were something special the first time I held you, but she was even better.
We wrote our own vows. Remember, how I told you I never forgot what she told me when we were on the roof that day I took the picture? Well, I said that to her as my vows. She laughed and smiled real big and just shook her head. Later, she told me that she couldn’t believe I’d remembered, and been willing to say, what she’d told me in front of everyone.
At the reception, we’d shoved cake into each other’s faces. I don’t think I remember any smells from our honeymoon because everything smelt like cake. When she was in the back room trying to get the cake out from nose, I’d grabbed your Gran’s camera and took the third picture.
We found out she was pregnant during the honeymoon actually. They were doing a test once we came home to check on you and that’s when they found the cancer. She refused to give you up though. She wanted to have a family so badly. The three of us were together for about 2 months before it finally caught up to her. They couldn’t save her at that point because they’d waited so long. She was so happy though to be able to hold you.
In our relationship, I was the one who did the over thinking and she turned out to be the one who would jump over hurdles into flames if she had to. Sound familiar? Well, like I told you, you’re a lot like your mother. And I’m happy that at least I got you out of it all. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost you both.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you early. She was my world. Everything revolved around Catherine. And then she was just gone. She loved you though… so much. She would’ve wanted me to tell you all this earlier, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Like I told you, it’s hard to talk about. You would’ve loved her. You two are so much alike. I sometimes think you capture her better than any photo ever could.
She is your mother though so what should I expect?
I figure it’s time that we talk about it though because you’re growing up and I know soon you’re going to be at that age where you need to talk about her. I mean, you’re almost 16 for Christ’s sake. You’ve been asking for years, but I guess it's finally time that I get over whether I'm ready or not to talk about her.
Her name was Catherine. I called her Cat though, and it drove her crazy. I always joked when she was pregnant that if she died I’d name you Catherine after her and she would yell at me because she said it was creepy and reminded her of Wuthering Heights. I don’t know why she picked Nelly for you though, but I didn’t question what she wanted. I loved her and I would’ve done anything to keep her alive.
I don’t even know why I took this first picture anymore. It was a crazy whim I think. They just moved in on the other side of the duplex. We talked a few times at block parties, but it had always been very careful and polite. We were both shy and I don’t even know how it happened. We just grew comfortable with each other’s company and next thing I knew we were friends.
One afternoon, I noticed her sitting out there on the roof. I crawled out and sat with her. We talked for a little bit and then she had one of her temper flares. I’d never actually seen one until that point, looking back on it I can’t help but laugh because she was in such a tizzy over nothing. She was like that sometimes.Then again, so are you. It must be genetic.
The air smelt like honeysuckle and she smelt like baby powder and perfume. She looked at me with her red face and shook her head. She’d ranted for an hour about so many things I lost count. But in that moment she stopped and gave me that smile that you give me every time you need pads or something.
“And the worst thing, is this. This stupid relationship we have. I mean, honestly you won’t even hold my hand! I mean really, are you going to kiss me or not? You know I like you a lot, but I’m not going to wait around forever for you. So you better kiss me if you want a shot.” Her exact words. I don’t even know why, but I can still hear her high-pitched voice. I couldn't tell if she was frustrated or embarrassed that I'd made her ask. So I kissed her.
Her ears turned bright red. Like yours did that one time I hung your bras to dry out on the line. I didn’t know you thought the neighbor boy was cute! And they’re not supposed to be put in the dryer. It made sense to me. You should just be happy that I even wash your laundry. When I was your age, I had to do my own laundry.
Oh nevermind that. I kissed her that day and I swear I feel in love. Right there on the spot. I left after Gran called me in for dinner. I peeked out the window and snapped a picture of her without her knowing. I don’t know why, but I had the camera sitting there and I figured I wasn’t going to fall in love for the first time again so I might as well capture the moment.
When we got engaged, I got the second picture. I didn’t take this one, but it has both of us in it and most of the pictures of both her and I were lost when we moved. I only have this one and a small album of wedding pictures. They mean a lot to me. I keep the wedding album out because I figured you might want to see it one day, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave this one out. It was the only one I had and I always want to remember that day.
You know, how you get impatient sometimes? You got that from your mother too. She couldn’t wait for anything. I was surprised she waited the 6 years it took me to propose. She smiled though and said yes when I asked. And she looked at me after I put the ring on her finger and asked me if I was going to kiss her. She went on about it. I mean, I was going to keep it G rated. Her parents were there so I was going to keep it safe, but she wouldn’t stand for that.
I gave her a hug and went to hold her hand as people came over to say congratulations and she pulled me in for a kiss. Then she said if I wasn’t comfortable kissing her she’d give back the ring and just leave. I mean, she wasn’t serious. At least, I hope not. That’s just how your mother was though.
It’s hard for me to believe that a girl who was so shy when we met grew into this loud and outgoing woman. I always expected you to be quiet like she’d been, but you skipped that altogether. You have her social skills. When I see you with your friends I just remember her that day. She was so comfortable with our families and friends there. You’re like that all the time though, just comfortable with life. You remind me of her because of that. It’s hard to believe it.
She didn’t wait on the wedding though. Nope, the wedding was planned in 8 months. We married in June. She was beautiful. Well, she always was. But that day… God, I don’t think I ever saw anyone look so wonderful. I mean, I thought you were something special the first time I held you, but she was even better.
We wrote our own vows. Remember, how I told you I never forgot what she told me when we were on the roof that day I took the picture? Well, I said that to her as my vows. She laughed and smiled real big and just shook her head. Later, she told me that she couldn’t believe I’d remembered, and been willing to say, what she’d told me in front of everyone.
At the reception, we’d shoved cake into each other’s faces. I don’t think I remember any smells from our honeymoon because everything smelt like cake. When she was in the back room trying to get the cake out from nose, I’d grabbed your Gran’s camera and took the third picture.
We found out she was pregnant during the honeymoon actually. They were doing a test once we came home to check on you and that’s when they found the cancer. She refused to give you up though. She wanted to have a family so badly. The three of us were together for about 2 months before it finally caught up to her. They couldn’t save her at that point because they’d waited so long. She was so happy though to be able to hold you.
In our relationship, I was the one who did the over thinking and she turned out to be the one who would jump over hurdles into flames if she had to. Sound familiar? Well, like I told you, you’re a lot like your mother. And I’m happy that at least I got you out of it all. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I’d lost you both.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you early. She was my world. Everything revolved around Catherine. And then she was just gone. She loved you though… so much. She would’ve wanted me to tell you all this earlier, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Like I told you, it’s hard to talk about. You would’ve loved her. You two are so much alike. I sometimes think you capture her better than any photo ever could.
She is your mother though so what should I expect?