We Are So Screwed

I stood beside Slater in the middle of the road. We were waiting on Simmons and his merry band of assholes. I was braiding my hair real quick to keep it out of my face. Just as I stuck the hair elastic I kept on my wrist around the bottom, we saw the head lights.

Simmons lacky bitch obviously wasn’t paying attention to where he was going because he slammed on the braked to avoid hitting us. Slater and I didn’t even flinch.

Simmons got out of the car flanked by the lacky bitch. “Blondie and Heat Miser, I knew you were involved in this.” He walked up right in front of us. My hands were in my pocket.

“Simmons, you’ve read my file. You know my family and what’s happened. You know what happens when something like that happens?” I asked.

“No, what happens Red?”

“You get a little paranoid. You get taught things.”

“Well you have time to teach yourself things, when you’re in prison for treason.”

“Or assult,” I said. I sent my fist flying into Simmons nose. The crunch of his nose was satisfying. His goons got out of their cars guns aimed. I grabbed Simmons’ cuffs and while he was distracted grabbed his hands cuffing them behind his back. Slater did the same thing to the lacky.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING SHOOT THEM?!” Simmons was screaming.

“Shooting the children would be a grave mistake,” Optimus’ deep voice boomed from behind me. The bots came over, and Jazz stripped them of their weapons. I knocked Simmons down so that he was on his knees.

“You get taught how to defend yourself. You know what happened basic self-defense wouldn’t have helped me, but this would.” I pushed him forward so that he fell on his face.

I walked over to the SUV they were and opened the door. I helped Sam and Mikaela out. Slater got the key and freed them.

We let Sam and Mikaela ask their questions and handcuff them all to a pole. I could’ve lived without her making Simmons strip. Then again I could’ve lived without seeing ninety percent of his ass in Revenge of the Fallen too.

“We need to alert everyone,” I heard Simmons say.

“Slate?” I asked.

“Yeah?”

“You know the plan?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s go time,” I said.

The other SUVs and helicopters started to arrive and Hide shot the ground. The bots transformed and took off. Optimus picked up Sam and Mikaela and ran. Slater and I just kind of ran. We knew we had to go with, but we didn’t exactly know how to go about it. There was no way that Bee could catch us all. We were caught quickly enough. We were cuffed and thrown in a car. Now it was just the drive ahead of us. We didn’t say anything. We didn’t fight, which wasn’t normal for us. Instead we scowled until finally we ended up at the Hoover Dam.

“God damn I am not made for this shit!” I complained as I stepped out of the SUV onto the dam. Slate cracked her neck. I did a back bend, sighing as I heard a procession of cracks. I stood back up. Simmons walked over his nose covered with one of those thingies.

I laughed.

“You think this is funny?” he snapped at me.

“Pretty fucking funny asshole.”

“You’ll be paying my medical bills!” he yelled at me.

Slater and I cracked up laughing.

“I’m rich. Money don’t mean shit to me.” I reached in my bra and pulled out a wad of cash. I had it hidden just in case there would be a time when I would have to bribe someone. I counted out a grand and put it in Simmons hand. “Now that I’ve paid you despite the fact I know the government pays your medical bills, I think it’s time we get to more pressing issues.”

“Like saving our human asses.”

Sam and Mikaela walked over.

“Hey, Kid,” Simmons greeted him, crossing his arms. “I think we got off to a bad start, huh? You must be hungry. You want a latte? HoHo? Double venti macchiato?”

“Where’s my car?” Sam asked.

“Son-“ Banachek started. “I need you to listen to me very carefully. People can die here. We need to know everything you know. We need to know it now.”

“Okay. But first I’ll take my car, my parents. Maybe you should write that down. Oh and her juvie record. That’s got to be gone. Like, forever. Plus those two, anything you’re going to charge them with don’t.”

I walked over to Sam and patted him on the shoulder. “Fuckin’ right!” Slater and I said.

“Come with me. We’ll talk about your car.”

“What did you give him negotiation lessons Blondie?”

“Listen fuck face! Blondie isn’t her fucking name! It’s Slater. Fucking use it, before I break the rest of your face, you prick!”

“Christ, do either of you have any manners?”

I ignored him and followed Sam and Mikaela. Slater said something to Simmons, but I didn’t pay attention. Simmons sped up until he was leading the pack. We followed him down into the dam.

Our group merged with the secretary of defense’s. I walked up to the soldiers. “Captain Lennox, Sergeant Epps. I’m Blake DeVille.”

“How do you know our names?” Epps asked.

“Long story,” I said. “How’s Fig?” I asked. I was hoping that he didn’t die like he was supposed to.

“In the hospital. He’s expected to make a full recovery,” Lennox answered.

“Thank goodness,” I said.

“HEAT MISER!” Simmons hollered for me. “Leave the soldiers alone!”

“Suck my dick!” I yelled at him.

I noticed the Sec Def looking at me. “Mr.Secretary.” I put my hand out for him to shake. He shook it.

“Firm grip, you’re a strong girl.”

“Have to be, especially in times like these.”

“And you know of what kind of time this is?”

“More so than I should it’s a very complicated story. One that I highly doubt you’ll believe. Now is not the time for it though. Things are going to get bad and soon.”

“RED!”

“Simmons, I am trying to talk with the girl,” Keller said.

“Short version?” he asked.

“My friend,” I pointed to Slater who was talking to Sam and Mikaela “and I were in a car accident and somehow traveled through dimensions from four years in the future where everything that is happening is a very successful movie. Please don’t tell Simmons. I would like to get through this with as little interference from him as possible.”

“You know what’s going to happen?”

“Yes, but there isn’t much I can do, because if I change it then there’s no hope for humanity,” I explained.

“I see.”

“You believe me?” I asked astounded.

“After all I have seen and heard today you could tell me that Pittsburgh Pirates are going to win the World Series and I’d believe you.”

I laughed.

I walked over to Slater. “So who does what?” she whispered to me.

“Uh… You go with the bug and Mikaela, I’ll try to save Jazz?” I whispered back.

“What about Sam?” she asked.

“Huh?”

“Nothing,” we both said sweetly. He was sure something was up now.

“All right here’s the situation you’ve all have had direct contact with the NBE,” Simmons spoke catching everyone’s, but Slater’s and my attention.

“NBEs?” Epps asked.

“Non-biological extra-terrestrials. Try and keep up with the acronyms.”

“Or you can call them Cybertronians, since that is what their race is called.” I snipped.

“What you’re about to see is totally classified.” He continued acting as if I hadn’t spoken. He led us down this wet, dirty, moldy tunnel. I went to say something, but Slater’s hand over my mouth stopped me.

“Don’t fucking say it. Any of it,” she warned.

I bit her. She smacked me upside the head. I pushed her into the tunnel wall.

“Will you two stop?” Lennox hissed at us.

“Maybe,” Slater said.

“But not likely,” I added on.

“As I was saying, what you’re about to see is totally classified.”

“Don’t tell my mother,” I whispered. Another slap.

We walked into the hangar holding Megatron. I looked up. He was way bigger in person. “Ah fuck.” I swore.

“What?” Slater asked. “The fact that they really do have Megatron here like a giant ass popsicle or the fact that you just realized he looks way bigger than you thought?”

“Both,” I said.

“Dear God. What is this?” Keller asked.

“Megatron.”

“We think when he made his approach over the North Pole, our gravitational field screwed up his telemetry. He crashed in the ice probably a few thousand years ago. We shipped him here to this facility in 1934.”

“We call him NBE One,” Simmons said.

“Well, sir, I don’t mean to correct you on everything you think you know, but I mean, that’s Megatron.”

Simmons started to get in Sam’s face.

Slater walked in front of Sam and pushed Simmons back. “Personal space,” she said, moving away. “Use some manners, why don’t ya?”

“Here’s the leader of the Decepticons,” Sam continued.

“He’s been in cryostasis since 1935.” Banachek looked at Sam. “Your great-great-grandfather made one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind.”

“Every fucking piece of technology we have comes from Megatwat up there. Cars, computers, weapons all of it.”

“Haha you’re computer shit probably comes from his interface panel!” Slater cackled.

“Fragging pitspwan,” I muttered.

“You didn’t think the United States military might need to know that you’re keeping a hostile alien robot frozen in the basement?”

“Until these events, we had no credible threat to national security.”

“Well you got one now.” Keller said.

“So why Earth?” Lennox asked.

“It’s the All Spark,” Sam said.

“It’s a giant cube filled with the energy to fuel their home planet,” I said. I glared at Simmons and Banachek. “You dicks know where it is, so take us, because time is something we are very short on.”

“Follow me,” Banachek said.

He led us to the room that looked over the All Spark.

“Holy-“

“Fuck!” I finished for Slater.

We weren’t paying attention to Banachek as he explained S7’s history with the cube. I saw the cube flash blue with energy.

“Shit! Frenzy!” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I forgot about that fucker.”

“Yo Colors, you two coming?” I was so focused on Frenzy I didn’t notice everyone start to leave. We walked to the room, where they funneled the All Spark’s energy. We were locked in.

I was getting impatient. My arms were folded across my chest, and my leg was shaking.

“Calm down,” Slater said.

“Calm!” I whisper yelled. “Screamer’s going to pop generators in like five minutes I cannot be calm.”

“You wanted in this.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t be angry. Damn Doritio is gonna be here and there’s no one here to fuck his shit up.”

We put on the goggles we were handed and watched as Simmons pressed the button and brought Glen’s phone to life.

“It’s even cuter in person,” I said.

“You think that’s cute?” Simmons asked.

“Yes,” Slater and I said.

“Simmons you zap it and you’re fucked,” I threatened.

The way Slater was looking at the thing, it was coming home with her. “Up the ass,” Slater tagged on with a steely glare. “With a machete.”

“That thing is freaky!” Maggie said. Slater got closer and looked at it. It launched a missile towards where Simmons was standing.

Slater tapped on the box, gaining the little things attention. It stopped shooting and cocked its head to the side. “Hey little guy,” Slater talked to it. It put its weapons away and its optics turned blue.

She walked over to eh door and opened it up. She stuck her hand in and it climbed up on it. She pulled the little bot out and rubbed its head.

“Five, four, three-“

“Red what are you doing?” Simmons asked.

The lights flickered. “The Ranch Dorito is here,” I said.

“Ranch?” Slater asked.

“Well he’s too much of a pussy to be nacho cheese,” I stated like it was obvious.

“Gentlemen, they know the Cube is here.”

Banachek got on the intercom to try to find out what was going on.

“Megatron’s second in command just popped the generators. I suggest we get Bumblebee and to the arms room.”

We got to the arms room and everyone started packing. I along with Sam and Simmons bitched at Simmons to let Bee go.

“Just get back to his fucking car!” I snarled.

“I don’t know-“

“That’s exactly it. You don’t know. Bee does.”

“Take them to the car,” Lennox growled. He grabbed Simmons and pinned him up against a military vehicle. He had his gun right over Simmons heart. All the S7 agents jumped into action, but Lennox’s team responded just as quickly and better.

I got to see one of my favorite parts of the movie happen in front of me.

“I’m gonna count to five.”

“Well I’m gonna count to three.”

I looked at Slater. She was smirking. She had something to do with this.

“Sec Def, Simmons should listen to Lennox right?” I asked.

“I would. Losing’s really not an option for these guys.” he said.

“All right. Okay. You want to lay the fate of the world on the kid’s Camaro. That’s cool.”

“Laying the fate of the world on one of the best Autobot scouts ever.”

They took us to where Bee was being zapped. Once they finally let him go, we tried to calm him down. He waved his blaster around, but after we mentioned the All Spark he focused.

Seeing the All Spark up close, standing beneath it was something I will never forget. The only part of the memory more potent than that was watching it fold in Bee’s hands until it was small enough even us humans could carry it.

“Message from starfleet captain… Let’s get to it…

“Mega-Aft is thawing out. We have to get the cube the hell out of here. Get it to Mission City. It’s what? 22 miles away? We get it there.”

“I agree with the girl, but we need the air force,” Lennox said.

“Shortwave. Maggie, Glen you can hotwire a computer to send a signal through the radio.”

“Bee, we’re coming with you,” I told him. He nodded.

He handed the cube to Sam and Transformed. Slater and I got in the back with the cube. Sam and Mikaela got in the front. Lennox and his team set up a perimeter around Bee and we were off. We saw the bots on the road on they turned around to join our convoy. It was now or never.