Nothing Personal

Alex Gaskarth was my first and last boyfriend.

I promised myself that I would attach myself to someone, like I did with Alex, when I was diagnosed with this awful disease. His exceptional charm and childlike smile won me over and I couldn't say no. I was seventeen when we met, at what I knew was the very last part of my life. I tried to stay away from the charming nineteen year old, but I couldn't. He was like magnet; as cheesy as it sounds. I couldn't bring myself to stay away.

In one fit of selfishness, I agreed to be his girl. I almost instantly regretted it; I would only hurt him. He didn't know of my disease and in the end I would have caused him more pain than happiness. But, I was being a selfish teenager.

We stayed together for a long time; until my eighteenth to be exact. That's when things took a turn for the worst.

I remember walking into the hospital, knowing that I would be leaving with bad news. I had stopped the treatments just a few months before meeting Alex, and my blond hair was still intact on my head. The only bad thing with stopping treatment is that I would die faster. But, they said they weren't working anyway. So why put myself through that pain if I was just going to die? I was selfish, I should have tried for Alex. But, I didn't.

I remember sitting on the patient table in the check up room. I looked around at the blindingly white walls, there were some medical posters hanging up. I busied myself with reading them until the doctor came in with my blood and biopsy results. As soon as they had gotten them back, the called me with urgency, scheduling the earliest appointment they could. I wish they had made it later. Maybe then, I would have had more time to be happy.

Dr. Watson entered the room, scanning over the papers in his hand. The door closed behind him and the room was eerily quiet. I didn't like it. He continued to look down the paper, as if searching for something that wasn't there. When he didn't find it, the lines on his forehead creased and he looked up at me with sympathy. I had gotten that look many times and had grown used to it. I braced myself for what he said next.

"I don't have good news, Aria," He muttered in his tenor voice. I swallowed thickly, biting my lip afterward. I refused to speak, the words wouldn't have come anyways.

He took my silence as a sign to speak. He had known me for years, of course he knew I wasn't going to say anything. "The cancer is spreading rapidly, and..." He paused.

I adverted my eyes to the wall behind him, staring blankly. I didn't want to see the sadness in his eyes, or the sympathetic look on his face. "How much time?" I asked hoarsely.

"Aria," He exhaled a breath I hadn't realized he was holding.

"How much time?" I repeated, this time harder than before.

He sighed sadly, looking down at the clip board in his hands once again. "At this rate, I'd say less then two months."

The tears sprung to my eyes immediately and I took a deep breath, preventing the loud sobs that wanted to exit my mouth from escaping.

I nodded like a robot. My body was stiff, I knew if I relaxed I would burst. I couldn't handle that right now. "Thank you, doctor." I said, slipping off the table and walked to the door.

I kept my eyes on the floor, avoiding Dr. Watson's eyes and exited the room. I knew he wanted to say something and I was thankful that he didn't. I didn’t think I could take talking anymore.

I walked out of the hospital and made a b-line for my small silver cobalt. I flung the door open, setting my purse in the passenger seat, and sat in the drivers seat. I didn't even get to shut the door before I burst into tears. The loud and hard sobs racked my weak body. I laid my head on the steering wheel and let the hot, salty tears stream down my face.

I knew this was going to happen. But, that doesn't mean I wanted it to. I wanted to live forever. I wanted to have a normal life like people my age. I want to grow old with the person I love and have children and grandchildren. But, that wasn't going to happen. Ever.

I slowly calmed down; telling myself that I couldn't sit here and cry for the rest of my life, no matter how nice it sounded. I sniffed and wiped the excess tears from my blood red cheeks. I took a deep breath, trying to soothe my soft hiccups and sniffed once again. I had a raging headache and my nose was stuffy. That's the only thing I hate about crying.

I closed the door, wiping my face clean of tears once more, before starting it and leaving the parking lot. There were so many things going through my mind. But, I noticed that most of them had to do with Alex.

Alex.

I almost fainted at the name. What was I going to do? I wasn't going to break up with him; that was for sure. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to do it, I didn't have to courage. But, when would I tell him? I knew I had to, but I couldn't imagine finding the courage to do that either. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair as I sat at a stop light.

Everything was so difficult. I didn't want to make these decisions. I should have to make them. I hated this, but I had to deal with it. I racked my brain for what I could do, but came up with nothing. I decided that I would tell Alex as soon as I saw him and that I would let him choose if he wanted to be with me or not. I only hoped that he didn't feel like he had to.

I pulled into Alex's driveway all too soon. I found myself wanting to back up and get the hell out of here. I suppressed those urges and grudgingly stepped out of my car; my safe haven.

I walked up to the house, walking in like I owned the place, and called out for him. If I was going to do this, I just wanted it to be done and over with. I didn't want to prolong the pain any longer than I had too.

"Alex, where are you?" I called as loud as my shaking voice would allow me. My voice echoed softly back. I paused for a few moments, before opening my mouth to call again. I was stopped by Alex's head popping out of the kitchen door.

That child like small adorned his face like Christmas lights. The hair on his head was ruffled and he still hand lines on his face from laying on the pillow for so long.

I almost smiled, of course he had just woken up. The pain that was overtaking my being prevented me from even trying to smile. I was sure if I had tried the best I could do was a grimace, and that would just make things worse.

Alex's smile instantly fell at the sight of my face and I felt my heart drop lower, if it was even possible. "Aria?" Alex questioned, stepping out of the kitchen fully to reveal that he was only wearing a pair of superman boxers, "What's wrong, baby?" He asked, his eyes full of worry.

He stepped towards me and that was all it took for me to burst into tears. Alex's eyes widened, and he caught my small frame just as I was falling to the ground. His arms circled around my body, and pulled my close to his chest. I felt the instant feel of comfort wash over my body, but I couldn't stop the sobs from racking my body once again.

"It's okay, baby," Alex soothed, running his calloused fingers through my short blond hair. "Everything is going to be okay,"

Those words hit my like a sack full of bricks. Everything was not going to be okay, and he needed to know. I had to tell him. I opened my mouth to spit out the words that I was dreading to form with my lips, but he shushed me. "You can tell me later, when you're ready babe" He said, rocking my body from side to side.

I tried not to get lost in the moment, this was one of the things I wanted to live for. I wanted to be able to run into Alex's arms every time I got upset about something. But, that wasn't going to happen either. I knew this was one of the last times that we would have a moment like this, and as sad as it was I never wanted it to end. I wanted to remain in Alex's arms forever. I wanted him to protect me from the evil's of this world. So, I allowed myself this one moment and nuzzled my face into his neck, letting the sobs take over.

He deserved to know. I needed to tell him. But, I didn't