Taking Chances

4th period had ended, and advanced math wasn't any more interesting than it was before. I was too distracted to pay attention anyway- my mind jammed on the boy who just turned my world upside down. The world that I had to rebuild so carefully after he tore it down the first time. I hadn't expected it, to see him again after four years of wishing, hurting and forgetting. I thought I had forgotten, I thought that I had gotten over him, lying myself into thinking that he was just an obsession of the past. I thought that I didn't have any feelings for him anymore.

"I don't," I mumbled to myself, as I opened my locker, taking out a wad of cash that I always kept stashed between my French and chemistry folders. I shoved the ten-dollar bill in my back pocket, closing my locker with a metallic bang, and leaned my head against the cool metal, my hands resting on the peeling red paint by my head. "I don't love him. Not any more. Micah, you do not love him. He hurt you, he made you wish you had died. He's not worth crying over." I kept murmuring to myself, closing my eyes tightly as I pushed the images of Jaden out of my head.

But I couldn't. His existence meant too much to me.

I felt the tears I had worked on demolishing over the four years erupt, as I bit my trembling lip, banging my head harshly against my locker, each slam creating a deafening echo through out the hall. Thank god no one was here, since they were probably all at the cafeteria by now, since I was too out of it to concentrate on anything. The day had consisted of me dragging Jaden along, half-heartedly showing him around the school as I tried not to bawl my eyes out. No one had to know that in the middle of advanced math I asked to go to the bathroom, locking myself in a cubicle and cried myself dry for a good ten minutes or so. I had composed myself since then, as much as was possible anyway, but every now and then I couldn't help it.

It hurt, seeing the one that broke my heart again. And to see him looking so handsome just made my heart ache and my stomach tighten. He was more beautiful and god-like than I remembered. His ebony locks had been grown out, and the long side-fringe that blanketed his dark, fawn eyes, encased with a small amount of charcoal eyeliner. His hair looked so silky I couldn't help but want to touch it. He was taller, of course, but he had always been taller than me. He had passed the awkward growth-spurt sage of puberty, and had developed finely shaped muscles that were well defined through his black T-shirt that hugged his body in all the right places. He was so damn beautiful, and that hadn't changed.

He probably hadn't changed. People never changed, it was too difficult to. Personalities were like a habit, good or bad, and took incredible things to change. I doubted very greatly that Jaden, heartless, cold Jaden, had changed. But part of me wished he had changed, that he finally realised how much I meant to him, and hopefully that was as much as he had meant to me. There was always that tiny slither of hope that jeopardised that emotional barrier that I had so carefully built around myself.

No one wanted to be hurt, and I wasn't going to be one of those people who was going to be hurt over and over again. Being hurt once, I nearly died. In fact, I had wanted to die, but thankfully I had been surrounded by people who loved me, like Belle, Ma and Ellie. If I was broken again, I don't think I could take it.

I swallowed a painful sob, making a sort of gulping noise, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I hiccuped as I jumped, turning to see who the person was, worried that it would be Jaden. My eyes met Ellie's glasses-clad ones, her light brown/auburn irises gazing into mine, her brow creased with worry. I bit my lip again, gnawing on it, and she pulled me close, going up onto her toes so she could reach me properly.

"I'm sorry, hun," she apologised, as I lost it, sobbing wildly as I clutched onto her, wrapping my arms around her thin waist as I buried my face in her neck. "I'm so sorry, I didn't recognise him..."

"He... he... I d-don't think... I c-can't..." I stammered between wheezing coughs and shaky whimpers, my voice wet and thick. "It hurts, Ellie. It h-hurts really bad." My voice was a barely understandable blubber, and Ellie rubbed my back in comforting circles, making me remember what Ma did after Jaden had gone away that winter. That thought just made me cry more, as Ellie and I sunk to the ground, her cooing softly to me as my body wracked with sobs and mental anguish.

"I know it hurts, honey, but it's going to be fine. I'm here for you, okay? Maybelle too. We'll protect you so it doesn't hurt anymore, okay?" Ellie said, as my tears started to dry up, feeling sticky on my cheeks. My waterworks stopped as my wailing quietened to soft hiccups, which always happened after I cried heavily. Ellie wiped my eyes with the sleeve of her bright purple cardigan, and smiled softly at me, kissing my forehead once.

"I love you, you know that?" I told her, as she helped me up. She grinned, linking my arm with hers as we made our way to the cafeteria. We lined up to buy our lunches. The food here wasn't all that bad, better than some other schools, but the choices were pretty limited. There were a couple of different sandwiches, some salad for vegetarians, and two choices for a hot meal. Today's were either chicken and leak pie or some meaty pasta. I decided to just get a chicken, lettuce and mayonnaise sandwich, also grabbing a yellow Vitamin Water. I paid the lunch ladies, and waited at the end of the line for Ellie, who got some of the chicken and leak pie, which she sniffed hungrily. The girl wasn't afraid of what she ate, and I loved it. She had a passion for food and she wasn't afraid to show it, and it was a bonus that her body was good at staying slim.

"Do you know where Maybelle is?" I asked Ellie, who quickly scanned the room, looking through the slit between her glasses, and I saw her eyes zero in on Belle, who was awkwardly hanging around the back of the room on a table with a random guy, who I guessed was her age since I hadn't seen him before.

"You'd better get there before he starts pulling out his dick," Ellie teased, as we quickly walked over, Belle waving at us when we got closer. Her eyes flashed with something and her mouth opened when she studied my face as I sat down, and they told me that she knew I had been crying. Was it that obvious? Ellie had said that I looked normal...

I unwrapped my sandwich, and looked up when someone- Maybelle- kicked my leg under the table, since she and the mystery guy were on one side, Ellie and me on the other. Maybelle mouthed a subtle "What's wrong?", and I shook my head, nibbling daintily on my sandwich, ignoring her worried expression. She knew I was going to tell her later- I always did in the end. I could never say no to that adorable pout of hers.

"So, Belle," Ellie said, as she stuffed her face full of chicken and leek pie, her cheeks bulging out. "Ow, that was hot." She swallowed, and looked at the new guy, who was staring at us with an "Who the fuck are they?" expression.

"Oh, this is Declan. He's pretty much the only guy in my year that can take a joke," Belle said, and Ellie immediately warmed to the guy, sticking out her hand, smiling brightly, showing off her pearly whites.

"Hi there. I'm Eleanor, but I'd prefer it if you called me Elle or Ellie."

"Hey," he replied, shaking her hand. Ellie flashed him another welcoming grin, and went back to her meal, which was being devoured at en extraordinary rate, disappearing from her tray with the blink of any eye.

I cautiously offered him my hand, mumbling a quiet "And I'm Micah, Belle's brother."

"Oh, May told me about you," he said, smiling. From a gay guy's point of view, he was attractive, but I wasn't attracted to him in any way. He had platinum blond hair accentuated with electric blue streaks. His eyes wore a heavy coat of eyeliner, which made his blue eyes pop, but I could tell they were contacts, since the colour was a little translucent. He was tall, but shorter than me. Just taller then Belle, but he was still growing, since he was 15 like Belle. "So you're the amazing Micah Williams May adores?"

"Adores?" I asked, smiling, raising a brow as Belle rolled her eyes, kicking me under the table, this time a little more forcefully. I leaned over and ruffled her hair, then popped the last piece of bread into my mouth, wiping my hands against each other to brush off excess crumbs.

"Yeah, she went on for half-an-hour straight saying great things about you," Declan said, and Belle poked him in the gut, making him laugh. Seeing Belle so comfortable with him made me warm up to him. Belle had a good sense of judging character, so Declan was either a really good actor or genuinely good enough for Belle. I was guessing the latter, since he seemed pretty good so far.

My skin prickled as I felt a pair of eyes land on mine. Jaden? If it was, which it was most likely to be, I didn't turn around, until something wet and icy cold was plopped onto my head, icy chunks slipping down my shirt. Some of the liquid, which I identified as an Icy Treat, the flavoured crushed ice drinks sold at the cafeteria, and stiffened, turning around.

It wasn't Jaden, which somehow made me feel a little better, despite the situation at hand involving me being drenched in sugary, sticky water.

"Oops," the guy chuckled sarcastically, wiping some of the liquid off the top of my head, only smearing it down my face. "My bad- oh. It's okay. It's only a fag." I flinched, as the guy laughed haughtily, smacking the ass of a girl passing by before hi-fiving one of the two guys flanking either side of him. He looked down at me, a smirk evident on his face. He didn't look young,but I didn't recognise him, so I figured he was another new guy in Belle's grade. He had shaggy golden hair and light blue eyes, and I immediately thought they looked like ice, which mirrored the minus-30 degree glare he was sending me. He was tall and good-looking, I admit, but he was clearly a jerk. No shit. He just poured a large Icy Treat all over me, on the first day at school for fuck's sake.

I bit my lip, which was starting to tremble again, and Ellie stood up, opening her mouth to say something, but I grabbed her wrist, squeezing it. She growled at the guy, giving him a very forceful finger, and sat down, pulling out a wad of tissues as she tried to wipe away the mess that was seeping through my shirt and sticking to my skin. I was already having a bad day, seeing Jaden had already been hell, but now a homophobe who clearly didn't care about consequences or other peoples' feelings for that matter, just became my new bully.

I was on the verge of breaking down again.

"It's fine, Ellie," I murmured, my voice strained, as the guy snickered, walking off. I looked down and clenched my fists, before getting up suddenly, running to the nearest bathroom, avoiding the gazes of basically the whole cafeteria. Someone grabbed onto my arm, gentle and familiar, but I pushed it away harshly as I ran, tears creeping down my face. I rushed into the bathroom, going into a cubicle, choking as I locked the door. I leaned against the wall, my legs trembling as I slid down. I curled over, burying my head in my thighs as I cried.

"Why?" I croaked. "Why me?"