I Want to Breathe Life Into the Dead Sea

I sighed as I walked into the living room of my small appairment. I couldnt feel anything at this point, I was just numb. At first I was angry, then sad, now nothing. I didnt understand why he couldnt have just stayed with me. He was only home for a week before they had to go back into the studio. But he had to go out with some friends to the bar.

I was so worried about him. He was my best friend. And he was the only man I could truly say I loved. He didnt seem to realise that he was just slowly killing himself. All of them were. The others seemed to have a bit of a handle on it, aside from Phil that is. Phil was right there with him. The 'terror twins.'

The heals of my shoes clicked against the hard wood floor, as I walked over to Steves sleeping form. He was sprawled across my couch, his beautiful blond hair was a mess, and the knees of his blue jeans were dirty. I couldnt even imagine what he had gotten up to the night before.

I placed the glass of water and advil I had brought in for him, on the coffee table in front of the couch. I sat down on a small spot of the couch that he wasnt taking up. I wasnt really sure what to do or say. He knew how I felt about him and what he was doing. It wasnt just hurting him, but me too. I didnt think that was getting through to him. That, or he just didnt care.

I had been thinking about this for a long time. This needed to end. I didnt want to give him an ultimatum, but if he couldnt at least cut back on the drinking, I was going to have to leave. I didnt want him to copletely stop everything, it wouldnt be fair to ask him to do something like that. I just hoped he would be more reasionable with it.

I took a deep breath, as I reached out a shaky hand. I gently pushed a bit of hair out of his handsome face. He had been looking really tired lately, but now he looked the same as he did the day I met him. A sad smile came across my face as I thought about that day, and that stupid lawn mower. I would have never guessed back then that I would have ended up with him, the most amazing man I had ever met. I had never known someone so caring, gentle, and passionate.

"Steve," I gently shook his shoulder, "baby, wake up."

He slightly growned, and slowly opened his eyes. The gorgeous blue piercing into me. He still made my knees weak when he looked at me.

"Mornin' luv," he smiled weakly.

I looked away from his eyes, down to his chest. How was I going to say this? What am I going to do if he says 'no'? My stomach sunk, and my heart began to race.

His large calloused hand caressed my cheek, as he pushed himself up, "Gypsy, whats wrong?"

He tilted my head up to look at him again. I couldnt stop the tears from comming, "I cant do this anymore."

I just broke down. I was finally feeling everything, the hurt, the saddness, the anger, the fear. I was bawling, there was no chance of me holding anything back now. Steve just pulled me tight against him, rocking slowly back and fourth. Whispering loving things in my ear. Which just made everything so much worse.

"I just, I love you so much," I choked out through tears, "I cant do this anymore."

"I love you too," I could hear the saddnes in his voice, with a hint of confusion, "but, what cant you do?"

I needed to get my shit together. He had no idea what I was talking about. And I really didnt know how to say what I needed to. I wiped the warm tears from my cheeks as I tried to sit up. My breathing was heavy, almost like I was hyper ventilating. The tears stung the back of my eyes, one or two escaping here and there.

Steve held onto my hands, quietly watching me as I tried desperatly to gain some control of myself.

I looked him dead in the eyes, I felt like I was going to be sick, "Steve, I love you more then anything in this world... and you know how I feel about your drinking..."

He nodded his head, looking a little more sad then confused now. I knew he didnt like to talk about it. If we didnt talk about it, it wasnt real, and he didnt have a problem. But that wasnt the case. And I needed to talk about it.

"Go on, luv."

"I can not just sit here and watch you kill yourself, Steve," The tears were comming back with vengance, this time wasnt as bad as the first. I could still talk, "now, before you get mad and jump down my throat, I am not asking you to just stop. Yes, that is what I would like to happen. But I know thats not fair to ask from you. I just wish you could drink more casually... like Sav-"

He snorted and rolled his eyes. Steve became another person when we talked about his drinking, "if you want me to be like Sav, why dont you go out with him."

He pushed my hands away and got up off the couch, walking over to the picture window. Obviously mad, and twisting my words. He knew that wasnt what I meant at all!

"Steven, you know damn well thats not what I meant," tears were still slowly running down my cheeks. But they were slowly becoming hot and angry.

He huffed, "oh yeah. I see the way you always look at him. How you touch eachother. I'm not blind."

Now I was pissed, there was nothing but friendship between Sav and I, "do not try and change the subject right now! And you know thats a load of shit, Steven. I cant believe you would even say something like that to me! What I'm saying is, your drinking is out of control, and I'd like you to get help. Or try and cut back, do anything to get back to a reasonable state."

"You never nag at Phil," he turned and looked at me, "he drinks more then I do."

I stood up and walked over to him, "I dont give a fuck about Phil! We are talking about you."

He let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed his forhead, "well I dont want to fucking talk about it."

"Well we all have to do things we dont want to," I was getting very aggravated now, this happened every time, "I dont think you get what I'm saying. I can not just sit around and watch you die. Steve if you dont do something, I'm going to have to leave."

He instantly looked up into my eyes. Stabbing me in the heart, my stomach dropped to my feet. All the tears became sad again. Steve had never looked at me that way before, ever. It was as if someone close to him had died. Tears started to glisten in his eyes, but none fell.

"Gypsy... you dont mean that, luv," he sounded like he was trying to convince the both of us, "I love you. You are everything to me."

I shook my head, and wiped the tears from my eyes, "Yes I do, Steve. I love you too, and thats why I'm doing this."

He pulled me into his chest, and held fast to me. He buried his face in my hair, "no... I dont understand."

"You need to choose whats more important to you, Steve," I breathed in deep, he smelled of stale alcohol and dirt, "Booze or me?"

I pulled away slightly, so I could look him in the eye. Tears were running down his pale cheeks, his golden locks falling down in his face. He just shook his head, and let out a slight pained gasp.

"I... I cant."

I took a deep breath. He had made his choice. I slowly became numb again. I couldnt believe this was happening. He had chosen the bottle over me. In that moment, everything just began to feel like a lie. Every 'I love you' might have been said to a bottle of vodka.

I shut my eyes, and wiped away my final tears. I knew what I had to do now.

"Okay... I'm going out for a few hours," I looked him in the eyes, "and when I get back I want you gone."

He instantly buried his face in his hands, and slid to the floor, "no, no, no, please Gypsy. Dont do this."

"You made your choice," I started to walk out to the door, "I have to do this."

As I slipped on my sweater and grabbed my car keys, I heard Steves loud sobbing come from the living room. I need to get out of there as fast as possible, if I didnt I knew I would be a puddle at his feet. Sobbing with him, asking for forgiveness, taking him back, and having to try and go through it again.

It felt as though I had left my heart back in the house with Steve. I got into my car, and started it. I was going to go to Savs. He lived the closest to me, and would probabily be the best to help Steve. I was good friends with his girlfriend, so I knew it would be no troubble for me to stay there for a while.

Tears started to fall once again as I drove down the road. I had just left the love of my life... and he had chosen a drink over me. I felt dead inside

My heart would always bee with Steven Clark, always.